Frenemy UPDATE...and thanks :-)

shaindelr

Hey, All,

Thanks for weighing in on my "frenemies" vent. Two Bumpies (and some other Facebook friends) commented on Fb asking my co-worker why she was picking on me about my running times on dailymile, and she wrote me back this crazy message:

They're right though. I am a meanie. Mea culpa. I try really hard but the green-eyed monster gets to me. You have pretty much everything I have always wanted (except the $43K school bill) but you still seem to always need people's approval. It brings out the worst in me. I am having a reinvention day, so I hope you don't mind if I take you off FB. As the old break-up line goes, 'it's me, not you.' See you in Sept! still haven't finished grading summer yet...one of today's chores. Keep running (and stop giving those lost pounds to me, will'ya!
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Is it my imagination or is she still blaming ME that she's picking on me? I know I need to just be the bigger person, and let this go, but we're a really small college. There are three full-time English professors, and the outgoing department head made her the new department head just because I was pregnant. He said he "hoped I would understand that they felt I had other things on my plate" even though I've been a professor longer, have more degrees, etc. 

The things she sees as me "needing people's approval" are normal work things. When I get published, I send an email to the appropriate VP and President of the college for my file, and then they congratulate me for my publications in a monthly newsletter, and then she gets mad. Um... She's an English professor, too. She should be doing the same thing.

I guess I just wanted to thank you for helping me see the situation clearly and letting me vent...and for you to wish me luck in September. I have no idea what she's going to be like when it's just her and me being in charge of hiring the new full-time English professor. Thanks again!

 

 

p1nklemonade

she sounds crazy.  i think you're right, as annoying as it is, you're going to have to let it go.

shaindelr

p1nklemonade:

she sounds crazy.  i think you're right, as annoying as it is, you're going to have to let it go.

Oh, I know... I'm just hoping she doesn't make work hell. *Sigh*

campbaby76

I missed the first part but WOW!! I had a coworker like this years ago who would physically position herself between me and whomever I was talking to.  It was very weird.  The whole work place was seriously competitive but she got weirdly competitive in EVERYTHING working, socially etc.  At some point we each moved on and moved to different parts of the country and when I had Jack she  sent me a similar message about me having everything that she wanted and how frustrating it was. 

It does sound like she is blaming you, I hope that it does not make your work life hard.  I'm thinking that at a small university it is hard to avoid the annoying people as it is at a camp.

GHBEA

As I always tell my self when I work with people like this "I am here to do my job and do it well, I get my pay check and brush those type of people off"

Kmhsswim

That was a very odd message for her to send and it def. seems like she is not over whatever she is supposed to be over.  I hope she doesn't make work too awkward!  Good luck with the fall semester.  From your posts, it is obvious you are enthusiastic and passionate about your work, so don't let her take any of that from you. 

And keep running!  I keep meaning to check out dailymile.  I'm in the middle of gearing up for a 10K in October and some days it is not easy to get motivated.  Good for you for any exercise you fit in to your already crazy/busy schedule. 

MrsBabySmith

shaindelr:

Is it my imagination or is she still blaming ME that she's picking on me? I know I need to just be the bigger person, and let this go, but we're a really small college. There are three full-time English professors, and the outgoing department head made her the new department head just because I was pregnant. He said he "hoped I would understand that they felt I had other things on my plate" even though I've been a professor longer, have more degrees, etc. I guess I just wanted to thank you for helping me see the situation clearly and letting me vent...and for you to wish me luck in September. I have no idea what she's going to be like when it's just her and me being in charge of hiring the new full-time English professor. Thanks again!

I'm a lurker and rarely post but this struck a chord with me so thought I'd offer some advice: please please please tell your HR department about your prior department head's comments (they are very strong evidence of pregnancy discrimination which is a violation of federal law) and your concerns about the Frenemy's potential actions against you when you return to classes since she is your department head & has told you she is jealous of you because you have everything she ever wanted.  The sooner you begin to create a record of the issue/potential issue the better off you will be if you ever need to seek help from HR or even worse an employment attorney.  I remember you posting a long time ago about other professors not getting tenure due to maternity leave, etc. so it seems this is a definite issue at your college as well as academia in general.  The dominant culture won't change unless people question the way things have always been done & demand things change.

Unfortunately, I speak from personal experience: my supervisor had a private meeting with me 2 weeks before I went out on maternity leave and said I wasn't working enough hours because I was working 40 hours/week and leaving at the end of 8 hours each day.  I talked with DH & we didn't want to cause issues because it was a great job for me with real potential for career advancement plus I'm the major wage earner for us so I didn't say anything to HR and tried to get me to work as early as possible in the mornings since I couldn't stay later in evenings.  One week before my return from maternity leave, HR called & told me my job was eliminated.  I got in contact with an employment attorney & we're now trying to reach a settlement.

Good luck in September whatever you decide to do.

shaindelr

MrsBabySmith:

shaindelr:

Is it my imagination or is she still blaming ME that she's picking on me? I know I need to just be the bigger person, and let this go, but we're a really small college. There are three full-time English professors, and the outgoing department head made her the new department head just because I was pregnant. He said he "hoped I would understand that they felt I had other things on my plate" even though I've been a professor longer, have more degrees, etc. I guess I just wanted to thank you for helping me see the situation clearly and letting me vent...and for you to wish me luck in September. I have no idea what she's going to be like when it's just her and me being in charge of hiring the new full-time English professor. Thanks again!

I'm a lurker and rarely post but this struck a chord with me so thought I'd offer some advice: please please please tell your HR department about your prior department head's comments (they are very strong evidence of pregnancy discrimination which is a violation of federal law) and your concerns about the Frenemy's potential actions against you when you return to classes since she is your department head & has told you she is jealous of you because you have everything she ever wanted.  The sooner you begin to create a record of the issue/potential issue the better off you will be if you ever need to seek help from HR or even worse an employment attorney.  I remember you posting a long time ago about other professors not getting tenure due to maternity leave, etc. so it seems this is a definite issue at your college as well as academia in general.  The dominant culture won't change unless people question the way things have always been done & demand things change.

Unfortunately, I speak from personal experience: my supervisor had a private meeting with me 2 weeks before I went out on maternity leave and said I wasn't working enough hours because I was working 40 hours/week and leaving at the end of 8 hours each day.  I talked with DH & we didn't want to cause issues because it was a great job for me with real potential for career advancement plus I'm the major wage earner for us so I didn't say anything to HR and tried to get me to work as early as possible in the mornings since I couldn't stay later in evenings.  One week before my return from maternity leave, HR called & told me my job was eliminated.  I got in contact with an employment attorney & we're now trying to reach a settlement.

Good luck in September whatever you decide to do.

Thank you so much. I fully appreciate what you have to say, and I'm so sorry about your situation with your job. If I worked somewhere remotely normal, I would say you're absolutely right.

I can't even explain the VP of HR at my college unless I tell this story. (Everyone else in the office is wonderful, but the VP of HR is seriously insane.) Several years ago there was an incident where someone drew a swastika in feces in a men's room at the college. I reported it to a VP and a few hours later asked the President's office what happened. (It's supposed to be policy to talk about hate speech if something like this happens.) It turned out the VP's office covered it up and the President's office would never have known about it if I hadn't called.

So, the VP of HR gets called in to write an incident report about "hate speech", and comes to me and asks how students know I'm Jewish. Like it's MY fault a swastika has been drawn on campus. He tries to tell me that I'm probably overreacting, and it's probably drawn by some kid who's never even heard of the Holocaust. Then he brings up Holocaust deniers, and I said, "Yeah, complete nuts are Holocaust deniers" and he goes, "Oh, no. A LOT of people deny the Holocaust."

I found out later he also questioned another Jewish professor during the incident. So, yeah, that's our VP of HR. A swastika shows up on campus, and they blame the Jewish faculty members.

I'll see if our Union lawyer has any advice or anything, but I hope you understand why I won't be dealing with our HR or any of our college administration.

Again, you'd be absolutely right if I didn't work with so many crazy people... 

letolar

I don't get to read and post on this board as much as I did before my son was born, and this doesn't have anything to do with your original post, but I think I remember some other posts of yours where you talk about some post-partum body issues - I just wanted to tell you that you look beautiful!  That is a gorgeous picture of you and your son!  You both look wonderful!

I'd say your frenemies are just jealous!

GreenBride624

In your OP you said that you can't unfriend them...  why not?  You shouldn't have to see their comments!

If you're worried about hurting their feelings (although, who cares.. they don't mind hurting yours), tell them that you decided to keep your profile to family & non-work friends only.