I don't want to be spiteful.....

mdotm0904

but he's taking me there. I've tried to remain as nice and cordial as possible. It sucks because a lot of the problems I have/had with my BD were due to the fact that I broke up with him right after finding out I was pregnant and he "didn't see it coming" so he's been acting like a spoiled brat since. (even though our relationship was dissolving for months before & he had broken up with me numerous times but I always "begged" him to stay)  I chose to exclude him from most of my pregnancy because I was tired of being constantly disrespected & he was stressing me out during whats supposed to be a beautiful time in my life. (FWIW i've had a pretty uneventful pregnancy so it's not much I've kept from him. I invited him to early appointments but he said it was "too much" that he thought he was "done with all this". So I stopped. I showed him early ultrasound pics and even later emailed him 3D pics around 32wks. He came to one doc appt but got there after it was almost over & I felt so awkward & uncomfortable that I never invited him back) I feel like it's my right as a woman to deal with my pregnancy as I see fit & I don't think it reflects on how my relationship with him would be after the baby is here, because I've never tried or mentioned not allowing him to have open access to her.

Anyway, I've always wanted to give her my last name. It's something he actually brought up in very early pregnancy. However, after giving her her 1st & last name myself, all of a sudden he wants her to have his last name. I offered hyphenation, he said no. Long story short, many months, emails, discussions, & tears later. He agreed. Well now he wants 50/50 custody after I have emails & notes that I wrote down after a face to face convo in June that he didn't want 50/50, but EOW and that if i don't agree he's taking me to court. I don't know if it's being selfish or unfair but I don't think we should have 50/50 custody, especially not yet. She's not even HERE yet & once she gets here she'll be too small to do 50/50. 

He's also been harassing me about a paternity test, even though I'm not the one that was sleeping with other people while we were dating. He claims my hospital does testing (I know that they don't & have verified multiple times), so this can't be done immediately after birth. And i'm pretty sure that he's not going to sign the birth certificate or paternity affidavit until he gets his test. 

So I swear, the very spiteful part of me wants to just give her my last name like I had intended. Not invite him to the hospital to see her. And if he wants paternity/custody/visitation just let him file for it in court. Because trying to be reasonable with this man is NOT working....but i know Eden's the one that's going to suffer in the end if I let my spite overtake me.

Can't wait to meet with this lawyer...I have no idea what to do.

thanks for letting me vent.... 

 

bella&baby

"So I swear, the very spiteful part of me wants to just give her my last name like I had intended. Not invite him to the hospital to see her. And if he wants paternity/custody/visitation just let him file for it in court. Because trying to be reasonable with this man is NOT working....but i know Eden's the one that's going to suffer in the end if I let my spite overtake me."

That's what I ended up doing. And what do you know...my ex never called, never requested to be there when he was born, never filed for anything and has never met his son. Did this happen because I was "spiteful?" NO. It happened because he didn't care enough to take the initiative after intimidating me didn't work.

It doesn't sound like your ex would do this, but if you just leave it up to him he may decide it's easier not to be involved. Out of sight, out of mind. While this is a sad situation, I think it's better to have no father than to have one who, if given the chance, would walk away.

This is the way I see it: if you're giving him the opportunity to be reasonable and be involved, it's his problem if he's not taking it. I don't think it's "spiteful" at all to stop arguing with him, and do the most logical thing possible; let the courts deal with it.

Obviously, only you can make this decision. But he is talking nonsense, being disagreeable, insisting on talking about hypothetical custody (50/50 will not happen with an infant unless you both agree to it, otherwise it would be years before that was a possibility) and basically you're allowing the drama by continuing to go back and forth with him. If you want to keep being nice because you're under the impression that you have to for your child's sake, go ahead and put yourself through it. I'm not trying to be insensitive, because I have been exactly where you are and know how hard it is.

Just think about this; you're having hypothetical, argumentative conversations with your child's father. Nothing that either of you says or thinks now is going to be the same or going to matter much when the baby comes. In what way does this benefit your child?

In your conversations, you allow this man to be disrespectful. Will this be beneficial for your child to witness?

This is a difficult situation, and I know you're under a lot of stress right now. I just hope that you're able to take charge, because this situation will not resolve itself. He will not treat you better or be more reasonable on his own. It's sad, but you've got to take control of this in whatever way you find to be fitting. I really wish you the best.

bella&baby

Yeah, as far as last names go, you offered a compromise, he refused, so he loses. End of story. It's not spiteful, it's logic.

mdotm0904

well thanks ladies. guess i just know how spiteful HE can be & it's always been my #1 goal to keep my daughter out of the courts. But i have let him ruin too much of my pregnancy with his antics already. We actually did compromise & he accepted hyphenation but now i'm not too sure if i want to do it considering the whole paternity & 50/50 custody thing. He's gonna be pissed but i think i'm changing my mind and going to give her my last name (not even sure why i've allowed him to talk me out of it).

Going to do my best to ignore him. I've ignored a few emails for days & he just keeps sending them! But i guess that doesn't mean that I have to read them.

I do like the idea of just telling him that this is stressing me out & I'll just let him know when the baby is born. It does seem kind of silly that we're arguing & speaking hypothetically about a baby that isn't even here yet.