I just need to let this out. long angry vent.

DKC1308

Everyone close to us knows about our situation. We were pretty open with expressing our current situation, feelings after our loss and after finding out the news of my crap eggs. It is heartbreaking and I am still mourning the loss of our baby and any future babies. I haven't spoke of the heart ache in months. Because I was getting tired of hearing myself so I knew others had to be too, right?

SO TELL ME WHY people ask me to watch their babies. WHY my best friend feels the need to harass me about if I have "seen the new video on facebook of the twins cooing?" or why she calls me and goes on about the babies. WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! I HATE IT. 

I am coming up on my would be due date. I have 3 baby showers to attend and I am just dreading it. Of course I will go and everything will be fine. But, why are the people closest to us being so insensitive? How could anyone really expect me to voluntarily go online and look at pictures of healthy perfect babies? Or how can someone feel as if I "should want" to help out and watch their kids? It just seems so cruel. I've tried it in the past and it just leaves me so emotionally rocked after ward.

I am so sorry this is long. I'm just at my ropes end. I want to shut the world out. Well, anyone who has a kid at least. If a friends mom had just died, I wouldn't call them up and go on and on about how great my mom is and how lucky I am to have her. It is just CRUEL!

No one cares about your babies or that they are rolling over, walking, talking, cutting teeth. Whatever... seriously. No one will ever care as much as you do about your baby. It's like a freaking bride and her wedding. It's yours and NO ONE else cares. SO STOP PUTTING IT IN MY FACE. 

Thank you for letting me vent. I will go ahead and put back on my smile and grin at the world.

XXXXX222

Awww,DKC, I'm sorry. People just don't understand. The way I see it, there are two possibilities here. You can choose to "grow apart" from these people, or you can sit them down and talk. Let them know that you love them, you love their children, and you want to hear about them, but it's really hard on you. Maybe ask them if they could limit talking about their children to the times *you* bring the subject up?

LOL and FTR I didn't give a fvck about hearing about rolling over and teething and all the shlt even before going through infertility.

b2b999

I know just what you mean. I actually "hide" anyone on facebook that has little kids because that is ALL they seem to post about. 

I get the babysitting thing too. One of the joys of being childless (one of the few) is that my house does not need to be child friendly, and it is not. we have stairs with no gates, no toys, and lots of sharp edges and glass shelving. So it drives me nuts when people ask me to watch their kids and then tell me my house is boringand dangerous for kids. THEN DON'T LEAVE THEM HERE.

Now that it seems all my friends either already have kids, are ttc, or are ku, we have become social hermits.  

Mitzi Bishi

I agree with the previous posters, but I'm also one that sends a gift in the mail online and has other things going on during their showers. It's gut wrenching to go shopping and then be surrounded by all of the baby things, questions, and comments. 

People like to gloat in the happiness, they never want to admit they've had miscarriages, troubles, or worse. They really don't know how to handle people whose situations are different from their own.  

Can you do some fun things with your husband to appreciate your time and freedom together? Take an awesome trip or go somewhere special for dinner and celebrate being a great couple. It's difficult to be surrounded with the baby stuff, but on the positive end you won't have to deal with the preteen moodiness, teenage angst, and college tuition! 

hollymichael

sulfababy:

Awww,DKC, I'm sorry. People just don't understand. The way I see it, there are two possibilities here. You can choose to "grow apart" from these people, or you can sit them down and talk. Let them know that you love them, you love their children, and you want to hear about them, but it's really hard on you. Maybe ask them if they could limit talking about their children to the times *you* bring the subject up?

 

I agree with all of this. I would explain how/why it bothers you. I think that it is hard for those who haven't suffered through IF to understand what it feels like. Sometimes, we have to try to explain it to them.  Hopefully, after having a conversation about all of this with your friends, they will "get it" a little better and be more sensitive to your feelings. Good luck!

yourmysunshine

I know you wrote the post to vent. Would you like the perspective of someone that has a child but has a very close friend that is going through infertility troubles?

I came to this board to try to understand what my friend is going through. They've done two invitro treatments and both haven't taken They were told last week that they wouldn't be able to have children (after 6 years of trying)

BeckyP005

It's tough I know. My closest friends have babies(all in our 40's) and had IF issues. I'm very happy for them. Am I jealous and selfish at times..hell yes! I've been a nanny all my life and it hurts like hell that I raise other peoples children.  I can handle those situations but friends I really don't talk to often posting on FB that they were up all night I want to STRANGLE!! I act wrote on one post that I would give anything to be up with a crying baby!! 

IDK...I want to stop obsessing abt a baby I prob won't have but how do you do that?? If I don't close this chapter and accept it I'm afraid DH and I are going to grow apart. We all need to hit the lottery!!! 

DKC1308

yourmysunshine:

I know you wrote the post to vent. Would you like the perspective of someone that has a child but has a very close friend that is going through infertility troubles?

I appreciate that you are willing to offer your advice, or what perspective you may have, I will have to, gracefully, decline your offer. 

My "infertility troubles" are not troubles. They are facts, end of the line, no where to go from here, facts.. I had ovarian cancer, received chemo, now my eggs have gone through major genetic change. My student loans combined with the my pile of medical bills rules out adoption. Even if I did not have the financial aspects, turns out that, agencies are not so quick to give cancer patients the chance to parent.  

I have made peace with this. Some days are just harder than others.  

I wish your friend the best of luck. I hope that they find their way to a family. 

DKC1308

Thank you to my CFNBC friends.

I have talked about this with my friend in the past. It seems as if there is always this "grace period". I know I am feeling extra sensitive right now because of the approaching due date. We have several friends, with kids, that are really fantastic. They truly love us and can appreciate everything we have been through.  

Do you ever feel as if you are totally okay with this path, you've accepted it, embracing the new possibilities, it even kind of rocks, and then BAM you're in tears asking why you? UGH. It's the roller coaster I am sick of.

XXXXX222

DKC1308:

Do you ever feel as if you are totally okay with this path, you've accepted it, embracing the new possibilities, it even kind of rocks, and then BAM you're in tears asking why you? UGH. It's the roller coaster I am sick of. 

YES and it sucks. *hugs* 

Kristine11

I would just like to say that I think you are incredibly strong and brave.

jc26

Take some time off away from them I had to do the same myself.

This is the time we question our faith but knowing nothing is impossible to our Lord and savior. I will keep you on my prayer. 12/31/09 I had my first miscarriage the doctors couldn?t explain why.  07/26/10 I had my second miscarriage. The doctor said I was losing water next time I get pregnant they will place something inside of me and I will have to be in bed rest.  Well my friend through faith and prayer I have a son now?do not know I was pregnant until 5 months later with no complication. I will ask my prayer group to prayer for you and I hope you do the same as well. Yes all women were not made to bear but he can help you pay your medical bills and student loan in other for you to have access. He work in mysterious way you in need a child therefore you must ask boldly and with faith. You can check and ask for prayer request on my pastor blog in facebook. His name is Apostle Abraham S Madet. Spend time with the bible there?s a verse in there for you ok Hun God bless

MandyBrownNoser

jc26:

Take some time off away from them I had to do the same myself.

This is the time we question our faith but knowing nothing is impossible to our Lord and savior. I will keep you on my prayer. 12/31/09 I had my first miscarriage the doctors couldn?t explain why.  07/26/10 I had my second miscarriage. The doctor said I was losing water next time I get pregnant they will place something inside of me and I will have to be in bed rest.  Well my friend through faith and prayer I have a son now?do not know I was pregnant until 5 months later with no complication. I will ask my prayer group to prayer for you and I hope you do the same as well. Yes all women were not made to bear but he can help you pay your medical bills and student loan in other for you to have access. He work in mysterious way you in need a child therefore you must ask boldly and with faith. You can check and ask for prayer request on my pastor blog in facebook. His name is Apostle Abraham S Madet. Spend time with the bible there?s a verse in there for you ok Hun God bless

no. You have a son through a successful string of biological events. If prayer and faith were all it took there would be far fewer in this position People wonder why there aren't a lot of posts on this board? Well combine the zoo like atmosphere with "advice" like this and you have your answer.

mommytoconnor

I am so sorry for what you have been going thru.  I can only imagine how difficult it must be.  I agree that it seems very insensitive for your friends to be calling and talking about their kids constantly. I don't think that this is their intention.  Perhaps they don't know how to talk to you or what to say.  They may think that they are helping by trying to go on like normal, and this is just aggrevating to you.  I'm sure you don't really mean that you don't care about their children and what they are doing, you're just angry and hurt.  I get that, but perhaps you should try to talk to them and tell them how you are feeling.  If they are truly your good friends they will understand and maybe this will make it easier and maybe they could learn what they could do to be there more for you.  I hope this helps some.  I know it's a difficult time for you and you need to take care of yourself and cope in what ever way you need to.  I wish you all the best.

alinnolan

DKC1308:

Thank you for letting me vent. I will go ahead and put back on my smile and grin at the world.

I am sorry for everything you are going through. I know this probably isnt the board I should be on, but coming from someone whose good friend confides in her about the similar things youre going through I have one bit of advice. Dont pretend everything is ok. If baby showers and your friend being insensitve hurt speak your mind and dont go. No one will hate you or be offended. Chances are they dont know they are hurting you emotionally. I did this to my friend wo knowing. She then finally confided in me what she was going through and now I am sensitive to the issue. I hope everything heals for you soon. Youre in my thoughts.

MandyBrownNoser

RamaOtster:

I think maybe people are trying to include you because they know that you want a baby...I can honestly say that if I didn't know that if I knew someone who really wanted a baby I would have thought (until now) that they would want to be involved with other babies...

can't speak for these ladies but most of the time if someone knows you want a baby they are also somewhat aware of your situation and inability to have that baby. We aren't talking about a group of women who tried for a couple months and didn't tell any friends. Most everyone here has tried for years and gone through heartbreak after heartbreak. Wanting to be involved with other people's babies is really the last thing on earth I really want to do. 

DKC1308

MandyBrownNoser:

RamaOtster:

I think maybe people are trying to include you because they know that you want a baby...I can honestly say that if I didn't know that if I knew someone who really wanted a baby I would have thought (until now) that they would want to be involved with other babies...

can't speak for these ladies but most of the time if someone knows you want a baby they are also somewhat aware of your situation and inability to have that baby. We aren't talking about a group of women who tried for a couple months and didn't tell any friends. Most everyone here has tried for years and gone through heartbreak after heartbreak. Wanting to be involved with other people's babies is really the last thing on earth I really want to do. 

 

Mandy is right. Hearing, seeing, and holding another person's baby DOES NOT fill the void in my heart and life. It only deeps the wounds. This is truly something you can not begin to understand or appreciate unless you are also living this life. The people who do actually kind of "get it" are the ones that keep their babies and their wonderful little doings to themselves. Because as I am sure you can not imagine your life without them...we will never have known them. Essentially, we have all buried children. The dream, hope, and visions are all dead. We are grieving and would like to be treated as such.