i'm scared.... (sorry if it's long)

mdotm0904

things have gotten really ugly between me & BD. Started with the post I made a couple of weeks back about running into his ex @ the grocery store and exchanging contact information. I knew he'd be pissed. (his reaction is outlined here (https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/56491987.aspx) sorry i don't know how to make it clicky in firefox. after that exchange yesterday, I thought maybe he'd go away for a while. Nope, he emailed me today wanting to know when the baby is due for delivery because he needs to know so he can be there. I informed him that all i have is my "due date" & babies come when they want. But i'll be sure to let him know when the time came. His response was that I needed to inform him via email or text when the time comes & not after so that he can be there for the delivery.

This was my response:

With all due respect, and I mean this from the sincerest & purest place of my heart possible. There is no malicious or evil intentions behind what I am about to say and I really hope & pray that you do not take it that way. But I do not feel comfortable with the thought of having you there for the delivery. I will text you or email you AS SOON as she is born so that you can be there at the hospital to see her. I promise that on her life, that you will be the FIRST PERSON to know when she is born & not a moment after. But I feel like I reserve the right to have a calm & peaceful environment while giving birth and lately I do not feel calm or at peace when we are around each other, just stress & tension & I am afraid this will create a stressful birth environment which is neither good for myself or the baby. 

Again, I am not trying to start an argument or a fight. I am not trying to hurt you by any means. I am not trying to keep you away from your daughter. I am just trying to create a safe & stable environment so that she can enter as peacefully as possible. Please understand.

ETA: later i sent an "addendum" & told him that i'd actually call when i went into labor & he could head to the hospital & just chill in the waiting room, that way someone could come out immediately and get him.

I thought I was fair & pleasant in my exchange. I wrestled with what was right & wrong and I went with my heart. Anyway he wrote back that i'm not doing him any favors by letting him be there for the delivery, he just thought it'd be in the best interest of "the child" for future reference for her to know that he was present @ her birth just like with his other 3 "angels". Umm how many people REALLY ask about who was present @ delivery? anyway I digress. That showed me that he doesn't really care about being there, it's about ego and making himself look like he's the innocent victim in all of this & i'm the evil "baby mama" spreading lies & rumors around town about him & trying to keep him away from his daughter (so not the case)

anyway, we had a couple of more heated email exchanges and then i decided to stop responding. but then later he sent an email asking what I was doing about her last name. Something that's been a HUGE source of contention between us. I want to give her mine. He thinks that she should have his so that she doesn't feel different from his other kids. I offered hyphenation as the only fair compromise a while back, he flat out refused. Which again shows me that he doesn't truly care. it's again about ego (some alpha male, "my children belong to me so they need to all have my surname" bullcrap). I have yet to respond to that email & don't know if i will. I have a laundry list of reasons why she should have my last name. 

Anyway, I'm just really scared. Things have gotten so ugly so fast. I always thought I was doing the right thing & I still think I am. I've been as pleasant as possible even when he's been personally attacking my character, and everything I've done has been with my daughter's best interests at heart. I'm aware that his emails are all attempts to bully me & control the situation. I know how he loves to go back & forth to the courts and i have NO MONEY to pay for a lawyer. But I feel like i'm going to need one. I have a consult with an attorney on the 17th (a free 30min one) & I plan to ask her as many questions as possible....as soon as i can think of them. But i'm just afraid he's gonna sue me for joint 50/50 custody just like he has with his other children. I've always told him that i'd like to be the primary caregiver and i'd be more than willing to open visitation with him, so i've never tried to keep her away from him. But like I said, I just don't want to lose my daughter half time just because of some man's ego...not genuine love toward the child. 

Sorry it's so long, guess i just needed a place to vent. I feel bad burdening my family & friends with my drama....because with him it's never ending.

bella&baby

I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this. I know how hard it is when your ex gets controlling and tries to intimidate you while you're pregnant.

Your offer of letting him come to the hospital was completely appropriate, and generous, considering his behavior.

He is going to have to take the initiative when it comes to visitation. I absolutely believe that everything should be done through the court (for everyone's best interest). You are not married, so he will need to step up and file if he really wants to be involved. With his ex, it may have been different, because if he was involved in his children's lives before the split, the courts (and usually the ex) would be more open to splitting parenting time equally.

Also, your suggestion about last names is more than reasonable.

Just know that he has no rights until he is awarded visitation by the court. Whatever you decide to do in the meantime in regards to this is your choice completely. I can see you're trying to be fair and considerate, and that's great (I know that I was not mature enough or smart enough to do that, and I feel bad about it now). When my ex acted this way, I threw up my hands and said "we obviously can't deal with this on our own, we won't talk about anything until we're in front of a court mediator." It makes sense if you don't want to do this, but know that if he continues to cause you stress that it is an option, and one that won't be held against you by a judge.

 When things get ugly fast, it IS scary, and I completely understand your fears because I had them myself. For now, deal with him only when you feel it is necessary, when it is about your child and when he is treating you with respect and consideration. I'm very sorry that it's getting stressful in this way for you, and I do hope that he starts being reasonable before your child is born. Until then, focus on you and the baby, and know that you will deal with the rest as it comes. You CAN do this, and everything WILL be okay.

Just keep doing what you feel is right for your baby. 

I hope you find the support you need here.

 

mdotm0904

thank you for your kind words. it actually almost completely mirrors what my family & IRL friends have been telling me all along. That i've been too nice & accomodating to him only for him to have it thrown back in my face and that regardless of what he says, there's nothing wrong with wanting to give my daughter my last name.

But again, thanks for your kind words. They really did help

MsAng02

I am SO incredibly sorry you are dealing with this. I literally could've written it myself- the situation is thisclose to being my story too.

I think you are being MORE than fair with him. Don't give in to his bullying. And if you don't want him at the delivery- he CAN'T be there! Hospital policy. YOU get to decide who's in the room. Period. And the hospital has to honor your wishes. Definitely speak with your attorney and find out what your state laws are. Keep all of the texts/vm/emails- you will want them. I gave my LO my last name and have now found out that the judge can rule against me. (WHA???- the Law states it's my choice-) So yes, I did have to throw a ton of money at an attorney and he hasn't seen LO since the hospital, given me a dime, or even called to check on her.

I love how it's all hearts and roses until we get pg and it's suddenly We're being unfair! LOL

And I know what you mean about burdening family & friends!

Keep your chin up, stay strong, and know you're doing the right thing!

bella&baby

momack86:

thank you for your kind words. it actually almost completely mirrors what my family & IRL friends have been telling me all along. That i've been too nice & accomodating to him only for him to have it thrown back in my face and that regardless of what he says, there's nothing wrong with wanting to give my daughter my last name.

But again, thanks for your kind words. They really did help

Being nice doesn't really get you anywhere, just like him being unreasonable wont get him anywhere. Keep emails/texts as evidence.

There really is nothing wrong with you wanting to give your child your last name. Hyphenating is the fair way to go, but if he won't go for it, at least you offered.

The thing is, he knows he has no rights. He has no control so he's trying to manipulate and intimidate...it's how a lot of men react. When you think about the position they're in, it's a little hard not to understand the motivation behind their behaviors. Of course, it's a lot harder to understand why they can't see that it's not acceptable to act that way.

I just hope you're able to not let him bother you. You have discussed last names, you have discussed what will happen when she's born...I don't see what more you need to talk about. Don't engage in pointless conversation with him, he will only stress you out. You can take control of this situation. You can make sure that there is no drama if you don't engage.

KUP on how you're doing.