Any advice? I think DS1 hates me

Structenggal

In the weeks before Dominic was born, Elliott gravitated more to DH, and I chalked it up to me not being able to do as much with him due to my size/etc and DH could rough house with him and still do all the fun stuff.

Since Dominic was born, Elliott wants NOTHING to do with me.  I try and have one on one time with him every day, but seriously, ALL he does is hit, pinch, slap, kick and bite me.  I try to play with him in his room while DH takes care of Dominic, and he goes running from the room.  I try to play with him outside with DH and Dominic inside (and that's a little better since he's just running around the front yard), and we try to play with everyone in the same room (he ignores me or throws toys at me).  

DH and Elliott get home around 5 and Elliott goes to bed by 7:30.  Dh thinks I should leave Dominic in another room for those 2.5 hours, but that's not realistic.  If he were sleeping, fine, but Dominic is awake around 5 and starts a period of wanting to eat every hour or so.  maybe that should be daddy/Dominic time and they can hole up in the back of the house and DH can feed Dominic a bottle if he is hungry?

I try to do storytime with Elliott before bed where we rock in his chair and read a few stories, but seriously he just smacks me in the face or scratches my face the entire time.  I try to tell him that I'm right there paying him 100% attention, he doesn't need to hit me and he just cries.  

We sternly tell him no hitting/biting/scratching/whatever, but then he gets the look on his face where he KNOWS he's doing something wrong but does it anyway.  And as silly as this is going to sound, it's really starting to hurt my feelings.

Any advice as to how to get my sweet boy back??

Thanks!

secretkeeper321

I know the Moms of 2+ will have way better advice than I do.....I just wanted to send a hug and say that it doesn't sound silly at all and to hang in there.

We only have H and he and Elliott are very, very close in age and I'm going through a lot of the same things you mentioned....even without a new baby to be jealous of. He wants Daddy all the time...wants Daddy to hold him, play with him, runs to hug Daddy. I get a toy car thrown at my head and told no when I go to pick him up and change him. It does hurt, a lot. I just have to remember that it is only a phase and next week or next month he'll only want me and have nothing to do with DH.

You are doing all the right things...one on one time, story time, etc....I think the idea of DH feeding D and you having additional time with E sounds good. Maybe switch up some routines...if DH does E's bath, you do it for a while.

 Other than that, just hang in there and know that it will pass soon.

Mrs_Shmoopie

  That all sounds pretty rough.  I'm sorry your DS1 is going through such a rough phase.  I don't have any personal experience in the matter but it all sounds pretty normal to me.  He's still adjusting to a whole new person in the house and a total shift in the family dynamic. And he's acting out on the person he feels safest acting out against, I think.  I really think that's why our little ones can be so rough on us and act so great around other people.  It's b/c they intrinsically know that it's "safe" to do so --that our love is unconditional no matter how they behave so they can test boundaries and act out in a safe place. 

I do remember my DS going through a hitting phase around the same age so that in itself is probably normal behavior and then add on a new sibling and I'm sure that just intensifies it.  But it is all just a phase and you'll be his favorite again before long.  I think the idea of giving your DH some one-on-one time with DS2 while you take care of DS1 in the evening is a good time.  But you can't keep putting DS2 in another room forever...  And you won't have to.  Before you know it DS1 will adjust to having a new sibling.  It's rough, I'm sure, but it's just a phase.  Just keep telling yourself that.  {{HUGS}}

scrapmama2201

Huge hugs!! I think the first few weeks/months with a newborn are tough for anyone! Mamas, new sibs. I know it may seem like you will never get a groove back or that the new baby is taking all your time but things will even out. I forgot just how much time and energy newborns took and was immediately saddened for Ty thinking he'd never get any time with his mama. I tried to get one on one time with him whenever I could and still now try to make special Mama and Ty days/dates. I was also told to treat the boys *uniquely* instead of equally. Not trying to spend the same time with each but instead meeting their needs and knowing that they were more important.

Feedings were always the hardest for me. No matter what I did, Ty would climb on me (and the baby), hit sometimes, act out. I started to spend five minutes or so with him before I knew I needed to spend time with Jake and it really helped. I also learned to nurse and entertain Ty at the same time. It's a constant jugggling act but it gets better. Your little guy will come around!!

danandkelly

I found that when the jealousy issues came out, getting out of the house helped.  So I think a special date with just you and E would be good.  I have found that when N is being really bratty if I take her out alone she turns into a different kid.  Even just a trip to TJs has turned her around. 

It sounds to me like he's exercising power, he is comfortable with you and knows that even if he hits/kicks etc you'll still love and snuggle him.  And he has the power over what is going on with D too.   Do you have anyone who can watch D while you and dh take E to ice cream or something...maybe he's having a hard time not having the attention of both of you. 

AND, with N, once she figured out that we stayed up with the baby after she went to bed, she was PISSED.  So we would put the baby to bed (lay her down in the co-sleeper), do bedtime routine with N, have a little time with just N and then put her down and get A back up. 

KellyMRocks

Your little guy is SO young and I am sure he is having a ton of feelings that he can't express. You get very little time with him in  the evenings and he was used to that time being ALL him.  Rather than being stern and saying "no hitting", I would say, "I see that you are mad!" and teach him a healthier way to express that. 

I just started reading a Non-violent communication book about parenting that addresses this issue. They talk about role play for young new siblings to express their feeling. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1892005085

When WR was first born, I took an hour or two with Grey in the evening, putting him to bed. This helped us a lot to reconnect one on one at the end of the day. WR took a bottle from DH at this time.  

Mrs.K&C

KellyMRocks:

Your little guy is SO young and I am sure he is having a ton of feelings that he can't express. You get very little time with him in  the evenings and he was used to that time being ALL him.  Rather than being stern and saying "no hitting", I would say, "I see that you are mad!" and teach him a healthier way to express that. 

This helped a lot with DD when she started acting out - she was delayed in communication so it was VERY helpful for me to say, "I see your mad" or "I understand you're sad" or whatever so she understood she was getting her point across. Then I'd deal with the situation however it needed to be dealt with depending on what she was doing. 

She of course went through her stage and still goes through not wanting or liking Mommy, and it's not silly that it hurts your feelings - it hurts! But I just gave her the space I felt she needed, would say "I understand....xyz" and be consistent with how I dealt with the particular issue. It sucks.

mommy2jay

I dont really have any advice for you, I just wanted to say that it isnt silly, I would have my feelings hurt just a little too

(((hugs)))

Structenggal

Thanks everyone.  I rationally know that he's just re-testing his boundaries and isn't exactly sure what's going on since we brought little brother home, it's just hard to see!  We're going to try having DH take care of D after everyone is home and give bottles as needed so that E and I can really have some one-on-one-un-interrupted-by-pesky-brother time.  

And I will try the "I know you are mad/sad/hurt/whatever" route instead of immediately just saying NO HITTING!   That's not something I had really thought of.

Thanks again!!