XP: No one should feel this way... (LONG)

anonynmousposter

I am a regular poster and member of January 2012 Moms but wanted to keep my identity anon. for my own reasons. Some of the women on the Jan 2012 board suggested cross posting this here incase anyone had advice or insight.

No this is not MUD. No I am not trolling. I am seriously in need of some advice, support, and any thoughts and prayers that can be sent my way for this to all end up ok. I don't really have anyone to reach out to in my own life, as I have very few friends and tend to be a little on the withdrawn and reserved side and you all have been so sweet in the last few months I thought this might be a good place to post and vent...

I have now been crying for over 7 hours. I am in pain from head to toe and am starting to worry that my LO is ok in there. I am upset to the point of vomitting. and while I know I need to eat and drink and can't seem to choke anything down. I am normally very rational and easy going but I just can't get a grip

My child's father an I broke up a few months before this baby was conceived. We were together for 3 years and he was my best friend, my everything. Our break up had nothing to do with us, but external forces in his life and his feeling like being with me was not what "his duty called for". He has a child from a previous relationship when he was a teenager, and has had a VERY rough go with that. The Mother is from what I know unstable at best and he has been supporting her since their daughter was born. She has two other children who's father's are unknown and he takes care of them as well as his own. 

After we broke up we remained friends - well truthfully the "break up" was a bit of a sham as everything remained the same. This LO was a big surprise and while I have always wanted to be a mother and am truly greatful for the chance, I know that this is completely devastating for him and that he is terrifed of a repeat of the last one.

We spent hours on the phone today trying to figure out how to proceed. He just keep saying he can't do this, over and over. He has no attachment to the baby, and although he came to the 12 week u/s and saw him, hear the heart beat, etc. he just sat there shaking his head the whole time like he wished it wasn't happening. I asked him today if he would be attending anymore appointments and he said he didn't want to, and didn't see how his being there physically and not emotionally would help me any. I asked if he would be at the delivery and he said if I needed him to be there he would, but he didn't know that he would feel any differently about the child when it came out - and I'm starting to think that he won't. There's no emotion there what so ever when it comes to myself or the baby. He seems like he could care less what happens to either of us and I just don't know how to deal with this all at the same time. I'm losing my best friend, I'm pregnant and my poor, sweet and innocent child is being brought into the world to a parent who doesn't love or want him. How is it that he could step up at 18 and raise a beautiful daughter, 13 years later take on two children who don't belong to him as if they were his own and then deny his own child the love of a father??!?! Why is still willing to support this woman who has literally put him through hell and yet he is unwilling to provide emotional support to me, or stay on the phone when I start crying. I honestly don't and have never asked him for much. I have given him all of the patience I can possibly muster, but I need him to come to some conclusion as to if he will be in this child's life or not so that I can start coming up with a game plan.

He has not told his family about the child, and does not seem to want them to know. This means that I will have a baby, with a sister that he will never know, uncles/aunts and cousins that he will never know and a grandmother that he will never know. To compound things the baby is mixed race and I worry that he will wonder why he doesn't look like any of the blonde haired/light eyed people in his family and will wonder where he comes from/why he doesn't "fit in".

Ugh, I don't know what to do, where to turn or how to even begin to absorb all of this. I feel like my baby is going to be put at such a disadvantage right from the start and seriously question how I can possibly be a good mother to him when I am such a mess.

 

Edit to add: if you actually made it through all that, thank you so much for taking the time to read/care! Sorry for posting such a long, depressing post.

haleyw458

You need to worry about you and your child's health RIGHT NOW. You cannot change the way he feels. He has practically told you that he does not want to be a part of either of your lives. You cannot force him to be the father he feels he cannot be.

I completely understand where you're coming from since X had DS and is a huge part of his life, then just had another son almost 3 months ago and has nothing to do with him. I'm on the other side but there are many of the same feelings that have.

You need to prepare to raise this child completely on your own. File for child support as soon as it is born and worry about the rest as the situations arise.

Good luck with everything and know that we are always here if you need us!

RubyRed80

I am sorry to hear what you are going through.  It's sad but you got to move on. You don't have to go through this and if he doesn't want to be involved, do what you got to do, file for child support and keep it moving. I have a friend who about five years ago had a little son and she went through something similar to your situation.  After she had the baby and discovered that the dad wasn't there she asked him to sign over his parental rights because she said she refused to let her child go through that.  He did and she told me that she felt like shackles had been lifted off of her.  She is now married to a wonderful man that treats that little boy as if he was really his child and that's great to know.

It's time to stand up for you and your child.  You cannot allow him to play games with you or your baby.  You need to tell him if he wants to be in your life then act like it, if not you need to leave and don't turn around to ever come back.  Sounds harsh but it's true.  There are too many messed up kids in this world for him to be playing games with his own child.

There are times when people come into our lives for a reason or a need, when that need has been met, the relationship ends.  We feel hurt and confused because we were once friends or lovers with that person and we don't understand why they want to hurt us but it's true.  We are human and we have feelings.  You don't have to feel this way at all, now it's time to look out for yourself and your baby because nobody else is going to.  Be blessed.

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achase123

ITA with previous responses: you have to shift your focus from HIM to the baby.  He's going to do what he's going to do, and you never know, things may change.  But I think you are worrying much to far in the future.  Focus on your health, physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Seek counseling.  Strengthen your family support and surround yourself with friends.  you will be ok.  We have all been through it and believe me, it isn't easy.  But it's a lot easier than being with the wrong person and trying to make something work that isn't meant to be.