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Blended Families
taagent
member
Should I feel guilty?
taagent
member
Two weeks ago at SD's open house they had their book fair. SD really wanted this journal (it was $9!), because she is generally a good kid I told her that she could have the journal if she got two books, one could be Hannah Montana and then something more challenging.
In the car on the way home that night she asked if she could take it to BM's house (drop off day was the next day). I told her that I was concerned about her taking it to BM's for the following reasons. 1. She would leave it there and then she wouldn't have it at our house. 2. the kids would fight over it (SD's older brother and BM' bf's daughter and SD), 3. It would get lost, or 4. it would get damaged. All of these things have been problems in the past when it comes to SD taking things from our house over to BM's, as well as BM freely admitting that they are all problems they have in general with the stuff they give the kids. I told her I had to think abou it. She got upset, and while normally I wouldn't give in to her being upset I decided that because she hadn't taken anything over there for a while that maybe she could handle taking care of it etc.
So I told her that she could take it to BM's the next day HOWEVER, if she left it there we weren't going to get it, we wouldn't be driving over to BM's house to pick it upm and if it got damaged, or lost it would not be replaced. She would be taking responsibility for it and because I was really struggling with the idea of letting her take it and I was concerned about those specific issues, it was her decision but that she was also taking on the consequences.
Well, when we picked SD up from school last friday she didn't have the journal - she left it at BM's, then this weekend we picked her up from school - still at BM's (even though we reminded her on Wed. to bring it back). Then this morning I found out that the pen that went to the journal is broken. SD said it needed to be fixed and I told her that we weren't going to fix it. I reminded her that she took it to BM's knowing my concerns and with the understanding that if she took it and something happened to it she would have to live with the consequences. Besides, I don't think that we should have to fix it, it wasn't broken in our care - BM or her bf should have to fix it if it is fixable. I feel justified in telling her no, but also feel guilty.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Should I feel guilty?
I guess I need to take another break from this board. I can't believe people get all worked up over things like $9 journals and pens that need to be fixed. This all stems from not wanting to share between houses and is ridiculous. Do people "really struggle" over sending a journal to someone else's house? Bizarre.
Yeah...I'd feel guilty
GSDLover - I am not getting "worked up" it was a question plain and simple. It has NOTHING to do with not wanting to "Share" it has to do with DH and I spending money that we worked hard to make so we could buy things for SD only to have them not taken care of when they are not with us. Maybe you have the luxury of buying a crap load of extra clothes and toys but some of us don't. We have to make choices about what we buy and to essentially hand over $10 here and there is just ridiculous to me. Whenever SD brings over ANYTHING from BM's house we make sure it is taken care of and gets back to her the way it was when it came to us. That same respect doesn't happen when our things go there so WHY should we not be annoyed or upset when we "SHARE" and constantly get the short end of the stick?! Eventually it makes you not want to "SHARE"!
I don't know if I would feel guilty or not but I would try to fix it but not replace it if it is not fixable.
I can't imagine what it would be like to have to share everything between two houses. It must be frustrating.
SUwife, that is it exactly, because then it is $18 to buy the thing twice!
I am just frustrated because we (I) like to spend money on SD; get her things that I know BM can't buy because then the other kids get upset and fight etc, BM and her bf don't do a lot of the things we do with SD because they have to do it with all the kids (and it would be much more expensive) so we get to do those things - we don't do it because she can't we do it because we want to and know she wont get the chance otherwise.
I understand that it is hard for her not being able to take stuff to BM's but our concern is what I stated in the op, damaged, lost, fought over, etc...However, when one parent doesn't care about taking care of something the other parent has bought (and I am not even talking about SD breaking something, but the other two children), then what are you supposed to do?
Ahhhhh.... good ol' GSDLover. Some things never change.
It has nothing to do with "not sharing". Most of us learned that in kindergarten. But those of us who are not nearly as perfect as you are become concerned when the money we spend on things is disregarded, either by the other parent or by the child her/himself.
If taagent had stated that she was concerned about SD taking the journal to school and what would happen with it there, but gave in and let SD take it to school with the understanding that if it was broken there, they wouldn't replace it, would you still be as pious as you sound?
I, personally, wouldn't feel guilty. She was warned of the consequences ahead of time, and made the decision to take it with her anyway. AND she "forgot" to bring it home on more than one occasion. This is how children learn the consequences of their actions. I know you might feel guilty, but you need to stand firm on this.
I don't think kids should be punished for being a victim of a broken home. Sometimes things get lost or broken or have to be replaced. Guess what? It's part of raising a child between two houses because the parents didn't make it work. Not the child's fault.
Any of it. SO yeah....I think kids of divorced families should get some leeway when it comes to having to share or having to replace things or having to deal with *gasp* buying clothes that can go back and forth without it being a crisis. You can sweat the small stuff if you want, but it doesn't benefit anyone...especially not the CHILD who didn't ask to be put into this situation in the first place.
Okay, GSDLover - what is the OTHER parent's responsibility in either one of those situations? Why is it that we do what we are "supposed" to do and still have to spend twice the money? That isn't right either...oh and just so you know it wasn't DH who "didn't make it work", BM walked out on both of them and then after 2 years decided to she was "ready" to share custody of SD.
I hold nothing against SD, you're right it isn't her fault but shouldn't the other parent be responsible too or is that just a one way street. If BF bought something for your child and it was broken by one of your OTHER children what would you do? Would you replace it or would you expect BF to buy another one?
I think taagent handled it just fine. Lest we all forget, GSD lover is perfect. So perfect that she doesn't need her child's biological father to do anything. She's perfect and can do no wrong.
Sadly, your daughter learned a tough lesson: don't take things you care about to places it won't survive.
And GSD, at what age do you stop throwing kids this extra bone because after all, "they come from a broken home." My older sister is 36, and her parents divorced when she was 2. Should I still be buying her extra toys?
I wouldn't feel guilty and the stuff we buy either kiddos stays here...no exceptions. Suzy doesn't have a problem with that cause she knows that if she leaves something over there...she will not see ever again.
Unless the pen stopped working on it's own or something then I wouldn't buy her another one. She can use any ol' pen..it won't match but it would work.
Kids have to understand that when you buy them something and they don't take care of it ie..lose it, break it, damage it, etc...that it is not instantly going to be replaced if at all. I understand accidents happen but if you warned your SD about it and she made the decision to take it anyways..that was her excepting responsibility for it. All kids (even ones that have divorced parents) need to take on the responsibility of taking care of their stuff.
Are some of you, okay namely one of you, serious!
The girl is nine. She needs to accept some responsibility for her belongings. She wanted to take it despite taagent's warnings that something could happen to it. Tough tiddly winks for her. Maybe she could do an extra chore or two to earn some money for the pen's replacement. And why won't any other pen work?
Secondly, I'm not making special decisions about my children just because their homes aren't ideal. They aren't martyrs and I am not playing into their hands with that crap. All it does is teach a child that you can be manipulated.
Click me, click me!
As yet another person in a similar situation I have to back up the method of just not sending things back and forth. I am in the middle of redoing or parenting plan and my ex is making a fuss over the fact that I won't let the kids freely take things to visitation. I challenge it because it is a problem. It is a problem that can be resolved by saying he needs to supply things at his home, we will supply them at ours.
I refuse because things never come back. We live over an hour apart, so it's not like we can stop by and pick up what gets left. It can often take 2 + months just to get a coat home. I do buy extra coats, sweatshirts etc so the kids still have what they need when this happens (and it happens often.) But why should I supply endless toys to ex's home? I already support the children mainly on my own, pay for all medical and extracurriculur expenses because ex can't keep a job for more than a couple weeks at a time....why on earth should I ALSO supply 2 homes with toys? It's not like he is sending home the new video games and consoles that he purchased at his home. If there was a fair exchange and this was handled reasonably responsibly, I could understand the point. But that is not the situation with everyone.....
Now, as the kids get older, it becomes their responsibility. I have told them that as they gain responsibility and can make sure they bring things back, this will change. I take a similar approach to Taagent and no, you should not feel guilty. You gave the child a responsibility and a choice. She learned, unfortunately the hard way, that your position is valid. It was a good lessen learned.
It should be noted that this SAME lessen applies to taking things to school, play dates, and other places kids commonly go. It isn't about selfishness and not sharing it's about responsibility and dealing with issues that arise so as to create the least conflict. In my situation, just making a rule with no exceptions is the least conflict. I suspect it likely is with others as well.
I should add that if one of my kids broke another one's things (either both Biokids of mine or SD involved) then I would look into replacing it. But I'd be making the kid who broke it replace it either with allowance money, chores, or whatever based on their age. I would take it upon myself if it was truly an accident. But if one of my kid's broke their own thing I won't be running out to the store to replace it. Maybe if they loved it they'd get a new one at Christmas/b-day but I will never be able to afford or justify constantly replacing things that aren't cared for.
Oh, and when we lost a pair of SD's sandals, I made sure to run out and buy a replacement before she returned to BM's.
Yes please GDLover go away!
Your input is 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999 negative.
Do you even know how the pen was broken? Honestly, fix the damn pen. Yes, she knows the consequences but also, accidents happen. Maybe she was trying to be nice and share with her other siblings and it was broken. Don't you want to reinforce a good life skill even though you aren't happy that she took the journal over there?
I certainly wouldn't replace it if she loses it since you expressed your concerns in the first place but cut her some slack, she's a kid.
I'm sorry that your situation is tough but don't punish the child because BM is a flake.
I do know how it was broken, BM's bf's daughter broke it - how is she going to "know the consequences" if I try to buy the parts to fix the pen (if it can even be fixed) after I told her it was her responsibility. So what lesson then woud be taught Strength? That even though I told her I didn't think she should take the pen AND specifically my concern was it being damaged, that when she makes the decidion to do it anyway that I will go back on my word and fix it anyway?
We have had this same conversation over and over and over again re: her taking stuff to BM's house. We do allow her to take some things over to BM's but other things we do take issue with.
How am I punishing the child exactly? I think that I am teaching her consequences for her actions. Yes BM is a flake and you have no idea what kind of slack we do or do not cut her. If it had broken when she was using it or if it ran out of ink that is one thing, but my concern was obviouly justified and the concern is there because there is a history - it isn't like this is the first time something from our house was sent with her to BM and something happened to it. So, under your theory we should fix/replace everything that is broken that we buy her that goes over to BM's house?
no, but if it's like a .50 pen, why not? is it like a $100 pen or something? I just don't get it... She was either sharing (which is good) or the other girl took it (not her fault). It's not like she deliberately got it broken. Sheesh. And no, I don't have any idea what your situation is like but seriously, it's a pen. I agreed about the $9 journal but for a .50 pen, I think you could cut her some slack.
in parenting, you sometimes have to pick your battles. as the pen is something with no real monetary value but seemingly of some importance to her, it might make her feel great if it's fixed and if you follow it up with something like "now we've fixed it but remember, it will not get replaced if it's permanently broken" i think she still gets the real message but also sees your guys in a loving and positive light. perhaps if it IS broken and needs to be replaced, she can do a chore or something to "earn" a new one?