I know it's a DH problem but...
danac2010
member
how can I fix it?
DH doesn't really discipline SD6 anymore unless it's for his benefit. He has been out of town most of the week and it's just been me and her. I'm the only one that does discipline her. It's been mostly ok this week but last night I had all I could take. I rented a movie for us to watch on the couch together and when it was over I asked her to go brush her teeth and we'd read a story before bed. She picked up the remote and said she was watching it again. I said no it was bedtime and she needed to go brush her teeth. She threw the remote. I told her to go brush her teeth and there would be no story just straight to bed and no tv this morning while I was getting ready. She finally brushes her teeth and comes in the living room and tries to drink some of my Sprite I have on the table. I told her no she has brushed her teeth and it's time for bed. She threw the bottle of Sprite. I told her to go to her room and no tv at all today. DH spanks her but I don't feel like it's my place even after he has given me permission because SD goes to BM and tells her I am beating her and it starts drama.
Well DH calls me to tell me goodnight and asked how SD is doing. I told him about the throwing and attitude she had after the pleasant evening we had and he just said that I overreacted and that's just how she is. I said that tandrums are expected at times but that she takes it to the extreme and I'm tried of it. He just tells me again that I need to calm down that's just how she is and he's been around her for 6 years and if she is still doing it in 6-7 years then we have a problem. He then pointed out that my niece, who is 10, still throws tantrums and I said yes, she slams her bedroom door and then they take her door. She doesn't throw things because she doesn't get her way.
Like I stated I know this is a DH problem more than anything but how do I handle it? We are expecting another baby now and it seems like he feels bad for SD and has just started doing whatever she wants. I don't want to raise a spoiled brat and I don't want to live with one either. I did that growing up with my sister and I refuse to let my children think they are entitled to anything and everything.
HELP!
TIA
Re: I know it's a DH problem but...
sure....wait 6 or 7 years more and let it get worse and THEN see how hard it will be to control it!!
What sort of idiot is your husband???
NIP IT IN THE BUD!
If she doesn't learn NOW that this behavior is unacceptable, not only will she still be doing it 6-7 years, but it will be much worse...
My DH has this problem at times too, sorry...
However, I do agree with your DH about the spanking. Leave that to him. Shortly after we got married my SD came to me & said, "You can't spank me." I told that no I couldn't nor did I want to but what I could do was send her to her room & her Daddy could take care of it when he got home. She wasn't being sassy about it just matter-of-fact but I knew that I needed to let her know that I could and would discipline her.
Seriously! Your DH needs to nip this in the bud. He is not doing your SD any favors by letting her get away with throwing tantrums when asked to do basic tasks like getting ready for bed!!
Sorry I don't know your entire story. Does SD live with you both? Where is DH? Why are you alone with her? Can you talk to BM and tell her what's going on?
If she can't follow the rules when you two are alone, and your DH isn't backing you up, then I wouldn't be taking care of her alone at home until she learns to behave.
A little back story. We have 50/50. BM is even worse at discipline than DH and lets SD do whatever she wants whenever she wants. That is the biggest part of the battle. BM hates me and finds reasons to blame me for things. DH is out of town this week for work but BM wouldn't change her work schedule (nurse with 12 hour shifts and no help at home) so I have her alone this week (Wed-Fri). I don't like watching her by myself because the most I can do is take away tv time and make her just sit in her room.
DH rarely does spank her or even get on to her unless it is interrputing his work or tv time. Then he has a short fuse. We are having her tested for ADHD this coming school year (teacher, counselor, dr recommendation) and I think DH tries to use that for an excuse too because he tells me it's not her fault she just can't focus long enough to listen to what she is suppose to do. DH and I have been together for 3 almost 4 years now and when she was younger we didn't have many problems and he was very good about consistently disciplining her but in the last couple of years it has gotten really tough and DH has become a lot more hands off and is wanting me to fill the roll of disiplinary all the time. I am tired of it and I'm at a breaking point. I'm not expecting him to change completely but going back to him helping with the discipline and backing me up would be nice.
Unfortunately you're dealing with a generational thing. Meaning that a lot of today's generation of parents thinks that kids are just that way and oh well, we have to deal with it. They don't know how to discipline, or they are just too lazy or scared to.I could go on about how annoyed I am with parenting today, but I'd probably piss off a lot of people, but there is serious lack of parental responsibility that's been going on for a couple decades now and it's producing an annoyingly high amout of ridiculously spoiled, entitled, rude, and disrespectful children and now...young adults. End of my rant.
I wouldn't share with your husband how you disciplined her or complain to him about her behavior anymore. I'd just say calmy,"Well, we had a moment, she had a fit and threw things, but I have it handled. It's all under control now." and then change the subject and move on to a question about how he's doing and what's going on with him.
I'd just be a parent and discipline her. He's given you authority to parent her right? Meaning he backs you up and he's made it clear to your SD that your rules rule when you are in charge? If not, then you need to have a conversation about it when he's home and make sure you at least have that.
If you have that, then that's half the battle. He's not there, he can't do anything about it, so take on your role, parent her and take away her priveleges as you did and when all is calmed down, have a conversation with her about proper behavior and what's acceptable and not acceptable. Then give her an opportunity to apologize and move forward.
DH is out of town this week for work but BM wouldn't change her work schedule (nurse with 12 hour shifts and no help at home) so I have her alone this week (Wed-Fri).
As this is the case then I'd discipline her MY way. J+K said it best.
I wouldn't share with your husband how you disciplined her or complain to him about her behavior anymore. I'd just say calmy,"Well, we had a moment, she had a fit and threw things, but I have it handled. It's all under control now." and then change the subject and move on to a question about how he's doing and what's going on with him.
I'd just be a parent and discipline her. He's given you authority to parent her right? Meaning he backs you up and he's made it clear to your SD that your rules rule when you are in charge?
He's not there, he can't do anything about it, so take on your role, parent her and take away her priveleges as you did and when all is calmed down, have a conversation with her about proper behavior and what's acceptable and not acceptable. Then give her an opportunity to apologize and move forward.
I will say that you don't have the right to spank her so even though DH says you can I wouldn't...I don't think you would either. But as far as you don't being able to do anything besides take stuff away and make her sit in her room I disagree. You need to treat her like you would your own child (minus spanking of course). Give her consequenses. Taking stuff away is a good start but making her do chores etc. I think if they spend a considerable amount of time with a step parent then you are aloud to discipline them because if you wait until the parents decide to (or not in your case) then it will do no good. I discipline my SD when my H is at work or not home and then let him know what's going on and we talk about it as a family. As far as the ADHD, I don't know how long anyone would expect a 6 year old to focus for. They need to be engaged and stimulated with down time too. I don't think that's her problem.