Help! Bedtime issues and aggression issues - long

AndysKandi

I posted before and got some wonderful responses, but I just wanted to post once more and maybe get some new feedback from different people. And honestly it will be nice to just let it out because I am feeling so incredibly exhausted and sometimes hopeless...like an awful mom because I can't control my kid!

 So my younger daughter will be 3 in September. For the last several weeks (or maybe it has been months, I can't remember anymore) we have been having major issues with bedtime and aggression. I will start with the agression....when she gets angry or does not get her way or doesn't want to do something, she hits, kicks, screams, slams doors repeatedly against walls, throws things etc. These fits can last for long periods of time...well over 20 or 30 minutes sometimes. We have tried a ton of things to stop this behavior...we have tried time outs, holding her hands down and saying things like "Hitting is not okay, hitting hurts people", we have tried getting up and leaving the area completely without saying anything, we have tried smacking the hand back or spanking, yelling...I feel like we have tried it all. To me, the most ideal way to handle it would be time outs (rather than spanking or yelling constantly) but I am at a loss as to how to DO them with her. Super nanny style seems impossible because we don't even get a chance to really put her in time out...we bring her to the area (have tried both a mat in the corner, and her room) and she immediately hangs on to your leg, or chases you right back out of the time out (chasing and hitting at you, I should say)...how to you do it supper nanny style, when you never even get a chance to leave in the first place? We have tried her room, but that does not work either unless we want to lock the door, which I don't due to her bedtime issues....I feel like making her room a place where she gets sent when she has done wrong and is screaming and crying and angry, will make her associate her room with "bad" and then that will make her bedtime issues worse.

Her aggression is mainly with DH and I (and more so me), although in the past few weeks we have seen a few instances at daycare. For example, yesterday she pushed a kid and as a result, that kid had a bloody nose from hitting it on something.

Now for the bedtime issues - she won't go to bed and will do everything she can to not go. We currently have to lay with her for 1-2 hours reading or singing until she finally falls asleep. If we leave, she follows. If we bring her back and leave again, she throws a fit (see aggressive behavior above). We have tried locking the door (that was a disaster), doing it super nanny style, changing bedtimes around, bring her to run as much energy as possible off after dinner time....I am just not sure what to do. I hate that it takes so long to get her to bed and I hate that when I try to do anything about it, she gets aggressive. Basically I feel completely and totally stuck. Obviously she has the power here.

Should we just wait until way later to even try putting her to bed? Maybe if we wait until she is tired enough, it won't be such a fight or a lengthy process. That is not ideal though, being that I get up at 4:30 am for work.

 Thanks for reading my novel. I am so lost right now, this is causing a ton of stress in our home and between DH and I. Most of all, I just want my sweet baby back, and sometimes I worry that there is something else going on with her - though everyone I talk to says it is just a phase, this too shall pass, etc. That being said, yes I will be talking to the pedi about all of this. That appt cant come fast enough.

Mrs. Rohde

Ugh, I am so sorry. I don't really think spanking works (IMHO) because if you spank all you're doing is showing her that hitting is ok-which is the opposite of what you are trying to teach her. And I find that yelling only makes me more frustrated. What you're going through seems really extreme.

What we've done with DD is put her in timeout in the hallway and walk away. When she followed me I would just pick her up and put her back in the spot, and YES, I did it as many times as it took for her to know that I am the boss. Her 2 minute timeout may turn into a 20 minute screaming fit but she needs to know that she has to have a break. I don't talk to her or show any emotion AT ALL. Until she calms down, tells me she's done and apologizes then I talk to her about her behavior.

Does your DD take a nap? She may be tired? Or is her aggression during random times?

Sleep issues: I REFUSE to lay down with DD unless she is really sick and is "needy" in that way. If I were you, I would put some kind of baby-proof thing on the door knob so she can't get out. It sounds really mean but just let her fall asleep on her own-she'll get tired enough at some point. What is her bedtime? Do you have a set routine? Is she using the potty before bed? Is she hungry? Can she tell you what's bothering her?

The other night my DD freaked out and I went in to see what was wrong. There was some light peeking through her window and it was casting weird shadows on the wall-she said it was "scary light" so I fixed it, said goodnight and walked away. I think the more you linger the worse it is.

As for putting her to bed later.... It's up to you. My DD will wake up around the same time regardless of when she goes to sleep so that would not work for us!

Dreamsicle23

I agree with PP about the doorknob cover. Even if she screams for 2, 3, 4 hours you can't take give in. Throwing an epic fit has been working for her and no one can change that but you.

BoSoxbride

My 3-year-old son is exhausting, too so I feel your pain. I have days (particularly recently) where I feel like he does nothing but whine all day long. It's particularly tough because I've got a one-year-old that needs my attention, too. But that's another issue.

We actually spoke to a counselor about his behavior at one point, and she basically recommended the same type of techniques that you've seen modeled by the supernanny. Like the other poster said, the time out can take a very long time. Even if you have to tear her off your leg for an hour, or more, you're supposed to continue to do it until she sits. I'll admit that because I have two other children to attend to, I don't always follow this rule. I would talk to your pediatrician for suggestions. They may refer you to a behavioral specialist. I think ignoring as much as you can, is the best route to go but I know it's not easy. I get to a breaking point and end up yelling, but that ultimately doesn't help in the least. 

As for the night time routine, we also have a tough time because our two youngest sons share a room so if the 3 y.o. is being difficult going to bed there's a good chance he'll wake the 1 y.o. But I agree that you shouldn't get into that bed ever again no matter how often she gets out and follows you. Like the time out, just keep putting her back w/o saying a word. Even if it takes you hours the first night she'll see you mean business and it will take less and less time each night. Good luck!