New to this board, and not sure I'm in the right place (long)

red0427

So I'm not totally sure I'm on the right board for this, but if I'm not, just point me in the right direction.

Anyway....

DS1 turned 3 in January. He was always a fantastic sleeper when he was in his crib, but we moved him to a toddler bed about a year ago, when I was pregnant with DS2 because we needed the crib, but we didn't want to do it right when we had the baby. We wanted to give him some time to get used to it.

We had a bit of a difficult time getting him to stay in the toddler bed, and ended up having to put a gate in his doorway. Then he learned to climb the gate. While I was still pregnant, any time he climbed the gate (often in the middle of the night) I'd just get out of bed, take him back to his room and put him back to bed. After an emergency C-section, when he'd climb out, DH (who gets up at 5:00 in the morning) would pick him up and put him in our bed. I was in too much pain and too tired, too, to do anything about it at the time.

Then we moved. Since then DS1 has slept in our bed. We've tried to get him to sleep in his bed, without success, ever since. He seems excited about going up and sleeping in his bed, but it has gotten worse over time. Now he acts frightened of being in the room to sleep, something that's never been a problem before. He won't lie down, he gets out of bed all the time, and last night, he begged me to sleep on the floor. I finally gave in and did it for a few hours. When I woke up to feed DS2, I got him before he started crying so as not to wake up DS1 (they share a room). I sat down in the rocker, which is around a corner from DS1's bed. I know he was asleep when I sat down, and we were totally quiet. Suddenly, DS1 woke up, got out of bed, and started panicking. I calmed him down and convinced him to get into bed, but he was up again, very confused and upset several more times. When I got DS2 fed and back in his crib, I gently told DS1 that I was going down to "mommy's bed", that he was safe, I had the monitor on, and his bedroom was right over mommy's. He started panicking again as I walked out, followed me downstairs, and climbed into bed with us again. By this time I was too tired to argue. I let him sleep there. Again.

I don't know what to do. Has anyone had a problem like this before? What started out as him just wanting to get out of bed to play or be with us has totally turned in to him being afraid to sleep in his bed. I've tried everything from a "special flashlight" to a "special nightlight" to letting him sleep with the lights on to sleeping on the floor beside him. I don't know what else to do. I need sleep, and I need to convince my 3 year old that it's safe and good to sleep in his own bed.

Suggestions? (Sorry this was so long.)

neverblushed

Hi there -- visiting from School-Aged Children.

It's not unusual for 3 year olds to go through a stage of renewed anxiety at night.  They can also experience separation anxiety during the day, or struggle with any number of pretty common (or uncommon, come to think of it!) fears.  Dealing with stress/change in their lives can exacerbate this.  Your little guy has had two pretty big changes thrown at him in the past several months: a new sibling and a move. 

When your preschooler goes through a stage of intense anxiety at night, your first reaction will probably be to comfort him and soothe him so that he can fall back to sleep.  This will feel right to you, and it will work... in the short run.  However, you have to be careful with this type of response, because the unspoken message he will hear is "Mommy's staying with me.  That means I was RIGHT!  There IS something to be afraid of!  I DO need her to go back to sleep.  I can't do it on my own."

So, while you don't want to blow off his anxiety in any way, the real goal is to give him techniques for dealing with his anxiety so that he can feel increasingly confident and learn to handle going back to sleep on his own.  Here are some things that worked when my kids went through this:

--night light, if you don't already have one

--choose a big, fierce stuffed animal to be a "guard" at the foot of the bed (we used a stuffed T-rex!)

--teach him to "think happy thoughts, not scary thoughts" when he's by himself in bed.  Make a list of happy thoughts and talk about them during the day as well as right before bed.

--let him pick out an interesting and non-threatening picture or poster for the wall near his bed so that he has something to look at.

--With my son, who was MUCH more anxious than my daughter, I finally resorted to limiting him to calling me for only one visit in a given night.  When he would call me, I'd go to his door and say, "Remember, you only get one time, buddy.  Do you want this to be your one time?"  He'd think about it, and he'd usually decide to save the "one time" for later and tough it out for a little longer.  By doing this, he gradually learned he didn't need me at night!  You would have to modify this, since you're being asked to sleep on the floor of your son's room, but it might work to come up with some kind of limiting tactic that allows him to choose when you will come to him, but puts some responsibility on him to gain some independence.

--Read books about this issue.  Bedtime for Little Quack is excellent, as is Can't You Sleep Little Bear?  A funny take on this issue, but one that's a little longer and more sophisticated, is Bedtime for Frances.

Ultimately, know that this phase will pass.  GL! 

KristinKD

First, welcome! This is probably the right place for you.

red0427:

While I was still pregnant, any time he climbed the gate (often in the middle of the night) I'd just get out of bed, take him back to his room and put him back to bed. After an emergency C-section, when he'd climb out, DH (who gets up at 5:00 in the morning) would pick him up and put him in our bed. I was in too much pain and too tired, too, to do anything about it at the time.

This is very similar to how our problem started. Before DD2 was born, I would always put DD1 back into her bed whenever she came into our room, but when DD2 was a newborn and kept me busy and tired at night, DH would just let DD1 come into our bed and started a terrible habit. For us, though, it isn't really about fear so much as wanting the comfort of sleeping with us, although sometimes she does wake up in the morning and panic if I'm not in bed with her, even if I'm just in the bathroom.

I've been told that I really just need to buckle down and bring her back to her bed whenever she tries to come into our room, but I've been putting it off. I really need to do it before school starts because I know it will disrupt her sleep, and I might use neverblushed's idea of only allowing one visit a night. I also just bought this time to wake clock, hoping that will help keep her in bed until morning.

I don't have much advice, I know, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone.

franciscaz

the best thing I can say is bat down and do it.  If he comes out than you put him back and you keep putting him back until he falls asleep.  That is the only way we get Harmon back into the groove he gets out of the groove.  One night we have put him back in bed 25 times.  It is really hard but with consistency it has worked for us.

 Anyhow, that is my experience!  Welcome to the board  

red0427

OK, first I want to say that you ladies are wonderful. I used to post on the bump a long time ago, and have, in the last couple of years, found that most of the ladies want to be snarky or clique-y, but don't really want to answer questions of "newbies". It seems as if it's more fun to them to make fun of the question/person than to actually be helpful. You ladies were none of that.

I gave up completely last night. I didn't even try to keep him in bed. I took him up to his room when we took DS2 up for the night, talked to him about staying in his bed, gave him a couple of toys and a couple of books and told him that he could play and read for as long as he liked, as long as he whispered so he didn't wake DS2. I said, "Don't worry if you get tired. You can just rest for a little while right here while you're playing." I hoped that would give him incentive to stay in bed, and to make it more casual for him to be in his bed.

No go. After reading him a book and giving him that speech, and kissing and hugging him before going downstairs, I hoped he would at least stay up there for a little while and "play". Nope. It took maybe a minute and a half before he was downstairs and in our bed. I had to get up extra early in the morning and was already so tired, I didn't have the energy to force the issue. I know that's counterproductive, but I gave in. He came into our bedroom, crawled into the bed, and I was asleep within 5 minutes. I've told DH that what I need to do is carry him up to bed whenever I have to get up to feed DS2 (who is still not sleeping through the night, either), but I was so exhausted last night I didn't even do that. I just let him sleep in our bed. And he was still sleeping deeply when I got up, got ready, fed DS2 and left early for work (we have a sitter who comes to the house).

I LOVE the clock. I might have to think about that one, too. I had gotten him a flashlight to take to bed with him, but he wanted to play with it during the day, and I'm not at home, so that one lost it's "power". The other day, I got him one of those push lights kind of like this one so that he could keep it in bed with him and turn it off and on whenever he needed to. So far, he LOVES it, but it hasn't kept him in bed. I'm going to try "sticking" it to the wall just above his bed to see if that makes it more "permanent" and comforting. But I don't know. I guess I should just give up the idea of sleep for a while until I get him comfortable STAYING in bed.

Thanks for your support, ladies!