Big family anyone? Need advise.
HI! I'm new to this board. I am currently expecting my first LO with my FI and have 3 step children as an addition to my family. (Ages 5,3 and 2) Anyone else going through something similar or have gone through anything similar? I absolutly love his kids and I consider them a huge part of my life and our lives together. Their mother and I are not on good terms at all. She is upset that he divorced her and is still angry and bitter. (I completly understand, what woman wouldn't be.) I am very good to and with his kids and I always try and find fun things that we can do when we have our days to spend with the kids.
I am nervous...I know that 4 kids is going to be a challenge. But I am the most nervous about his kids not accepting me or loving me as they grow older. I know that their mother tells them all kinds of things. The oldest of the 3 tells me that "My mommy said that she doesn't like you." I just don't want them to hate me because their mom does. This really scares me.
I talk to my FI about this all the time, and he re assures me that his kids love me, and if they didn't they wouldn't want to spend time with me too. And he reminds me of how excited they are when they see me..they light up. Its just hard because I am thinking about the long term and if they are going to love me and respect me as their Step-Mother.
And just so everyone knows...yes I thought about all of these issues when my FI first started dating. I accepted that he is divorced with kids and I love him and his kids.
We haven't told the oldest that he is going to have a little brother yet because I'm not ready. I know that we should tell him soon so that it isn't going to be a complete shock when the baby arrives. I'm just so scared of what the reaction is going to be.
Advise anyone?
Re: Big family anyone? Need advise.
Our household consists of three kids from my SO and someday we will be having a child together as well. His divorce was very difficult and drawn out. The BM hates me with every ounce of her being. She always tells the kids negative things about me and how she hates me. But, the kids have seen the truth and now have told her that I am nice and pretty and good to them. Continue to be you full of love for them. They will see through the lies and the crap. Just give it time. I heard "My mommy says you are a whore" or "My mommy hates you". My response is always positive or re-directing. There have been moments when I have to walk away and compose myself with some things that have been said but the kids do not see that.
In relation to the kids hating you because their mom does, well I feel that their is a point in most kids' lives where they "hate" their parents, step-parents, siblings, etc. It is about loving them and being there for them. It is part of being a parent. You will get through the moments, just take a deep breath, and be positive as possible.
I will be honest. If BM doesn't like you then sometimes it's hard for the kids to accept you mainly because she can't get over it and probably talks about it with the kids. Kids are generally very accepting of people but feed on negative energy...if that makes sense. My SD's mom I don't think ever talked bad about me because she accepted me from the beginning and we are going on 13 years together. She is now 14. Don't let anything/anyone ruin in your joy of this new baby. I am sure everything will work out. Just make them as much a part of the process but don't wait to long to tell the. I obvioulsy would wait until after the 1st Tri and you should also inform BM or your FI should so that she doesn't hear it first hand from the kids...just as a heads up to her.
I agree with this as well..when they get to a certain age, they see through the BS. My SD has called BM out on a few occasions for nonsense things she has said.
It feels so nice to know that I am not the only one who is going through this. How old are the kids?
The other one that I fear them saying as they get older is "your' not my mommy so I don't have to listen to you." Did you ever hear that?
I think we are going to tell the kids this weekend about their new baby brother. They are going to stay with us starting tomorrow after work. BM knows about the baby because my FI told her when I was about 2 months or so. She wasn't very happy and she gets mad sometimes and says that it's not fair that he is sharing his life with me now.
We are in the process of building a house, and it is going to be done in October. We took the kids and drove by the house, to show them that this is their house with their Dad and I. They were so excited because they don't have their own bedrooms with their mom. We wanted to show them the house before we tell them about their new baby brother that way it wouldn't be a total shock to them. I hope that it goes well! I have my fingers crossed!
Our family is spaced out to some degree. The oldest DSS is 20 then my DSD is 8 and my youngest DSS is 4. The two younger ones have the same BM. (All of the issues are with the younger ones BM. I have been in their lives for many years but did not start dating my SO until 1 1/2 years ago. We were very slow at introducing me into their lives. I think this really helped make the adjustment easier. They deal with BM making sure they don't call our house their house, or their room or their toys here. She just doesn't get it. But, the kids love it. They have adjusted well, accepted into my family, the schedule works for them, and so much more. It just takes time and reassurance.
As far as the "I don't have to listen to you", yes heard that right away. BM was telling them that I don't matter and they don't have to listen to me. My SO address this immediately. They kids have figured a lot out even at the age of 4. The best was that their BM calls me "an ugly whore" and our 4 year old said "Mommy she is not ugly she is very pretty and very nice to me. Don't be mean Mommy." I actually heard him say this through my SO's phone during a drop off. It was priceless. You are going to hear those things but you have to deal with each moment individually and in the best possible manner.
This week my DSD started saying to my SO "you are mean just like my mother" and both of us almost passed out laughing because it means we are on the same parenting path (hopefully). I make sure to not push things so I let the kids come to hug me first or give me a kiss or fix an owie or deal with a bad dream. They do the reaching out when they are comfortable. Now, every night before bed the kids are sitting with me "snuggling" while we read the night book. Even as far as telling my SO to go away that I am better. So, just be you and they will fall in love with you.
Another thing I used to be asked all the time if I was their new mommy. I reassure the kids that they have a beautiful mommy who loves them very much. I am just a bonus in their lives. Now, I am called Bonus Mommy. Don't demand them to call you step-mom or something special. Allow them to use your name and with time they will create a title for you.
We also have traditions specific to our house. Like the newest addition of the birthday fairy or dinner monster. We make things fun just like we plan to do when we decide to have our own LO. Just be real , genuine, and be you!
This is a completely normal reaction, and you probably will get it at some point. I even said it to my grandmother who raised me. I have decided that my reaction when my SD gets to this point (she is 2 now so it is a nonissue so far) will be that I am a grown up, and she will treat me with respect. Her teachers at school aren't her mom or dad and she has to listen to them, so I expect to at least be given as much respect as a teacher at school.
As long as you remember that it's normal for a child to go through this stage, and that it is not personal (kids say it to their baby-sitters even), and you are already prepared for it, you'll be fine.
As far as the negative talk from BM, some of the ladies on this board have previously mentioned including a clause in the CO regarding parental alienation and negative talk in front of the kids. Maybe this is something your FI should talk to his lawyer about.
TTC since 08/2010
Anovulatory since at least 12/2010 (probably longer, unDx)
Dx PCOS 3/2012
SA 5/25/12--normal
June 2012--50mg clomid+TI--BFN
July 2012--50mg clomid+Ovidrel+TI--BFN, lining at 5mm
August 2012--5mg femara+Ovidrel+TI
Yes he has called the lawyer for advise, because she has tried to do somethings that are against what the divorce decree states.
I really hope BM will find happiness one of these days soon. I always joke and say, "I pray that God will let her met Mr. Wonderful." And I hope that she can find love and happiness again rather than being so damn bitter and angry. I just hate that she puts the kids in the middle of everything.
This!!! Tonight the kids were talking about how BM is so mean. They asked my SO for help and to talk to BM about how she talks about our home and her opinion of me! They are tired of her negative bull! They just want to be happy. She makes the kids relay messages and drags them into adult conversation. By being positive to the kids and encouraging them through everything they will see the truth. And lots and lots and lots and lots of prayer!!!
God willing! We have the kiddos starting tonight and I hope everything goes smoothly with BM. I have my fingers crossed!