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Multiples
Child Neglect (long)
Hi Ladies...
I am in need of advice concerning my soon to be step children. I'm very worried that they are being neglected and i'm not really sure how to approach this situation.
His children are a set of fraternal b/g twins that were born at 27 weeks. Currently they're 15 months old. Baby A weighs around 16 pounds (not sure of height and i don't want to use their actual names) Baby B weighs 18.5 pounds.
We have them a few times a week and every time we have them they're dirty i mean they're hands, knees, legs, and feet are covered in dirt and that's just from crawling around in her house! they're not walking yet. They beg for food..when my girls are in the high chairs for their turn A+B literally scream and try and climb all over me because they want to be fed its almost like they're begging and i know that sometimes babies do but i've seen anything that bad..they'll snatch my girls bottles right out of their hands and start drinking them..
they usually come to us with no clothes, just diapers, and the diapers look like they're going to explode and they usually almost always have diaper rash. Their hair is always matted and dirty and sometimes they smell like they threw up and didn't get bathed or a change of clothes. In the 4 months they've been a part of my life they don't look as though they've gained any weight or grown any. I honestly don't know what they should weight right now being that they were born so early.
They just went for their 15 month well visit and they're only in the 5th percentile for their weight and height. The dr said that if anything doesn't change by 18 months then they have to go on a special diet. And on top of all of this they're always sick! They always have ear infections and the wax in their ears looks almost black..they always have runny noses or a cough and i have to say they can't come over for their visits because i don't want to risk my girls getting sick or myself. My girls went through ten months of never getting a cold until A+B became a part of our lives. I just feel like its not normal for them to be sick so often. They only get a break of about a week of not being sick and then its always something else.
I'm thinking they have a milk allergy. My step sister went through the exact same thing when she was an infant and that turned out to be the problem. And then with their mother not giving them the proper nutrition and not cleaning her house i feel like they don't even stand a chance. I'm planning on taking them to the dr i take my girls to within the next few weeks to get a 2nd opinion on their health and find out more about the milk allergy. I already spoke with someone at the office and she recommended calling dyfus. I'm not against it but i want to wait to hear what the dr has to say before doing so. Anyone that got this far thanks for reading...advice? opinions? am i blowing this out of proportion? Sometimes i feel crazy about this and i feel terrible because i love the kids so much and want nothing but the best for them and i'm not really sure what to do. I've never been involved in a situation like this first hand so i'm not really sure what to think...Thanks again for any advice.
I am in need of advice concerning my soon to be step children. I'm very worried that they are being neglected and i'm not really sure how to approach this situation.
His children are a set of fraternal b/g twins that were born at 27 weeks. Currently they're 15 months old. Baby A weighs around 16 pounds (not sure of height and i don't want to use their actual names) Baby B weighs 18.5 pounds.
We have them a few times a week and every time we have them they're dirty i mean they're hands, knees, legs, and feet are covered in dirt and that's just from crawling around in her house! they're not walking yet. They beg for food..when my girls are in the high chairs for their turn A+B literally scream and try and climb all over me because they want to be fed its almost like they're begging and i know that sometimes babies do but i've seen anything that bad..they'll snatch my girls bottles right out of their hands and start drinking them..
they usually come to us with no clothes, just diapers, and the diapers look like they're going to explode and they usually almost always have diaper rash. Their hair is always matted and dirty and sometimes they smell like they threw up and didn't get bathed or a change of clothes. In the 4 months they've been a part of my life they don't look as though they've gained any weight or grown any. I honestly don't know what they should weight right now being that they were born so early.
They just went for their 15 month well visit and they're only in the 5th percentile for their weight and height. The dr said that if anything doesn't change by 18 months then they have to go on a special diet. And on top of all of this they're always sick! They always have ear infections and the wax in their ears looks almost black..they always have runny noses or a cough and i have to say they can't come over for their visits because i don't want to risk my girls getting sick or myself. My girls went through ten months of never getting a cold until A+B became a part of our lives. I just feel like its not normal for them to be sick so often. They only get a break of about a week of not being sick and then its always something else.
I'm thinking they have a milk allergy. My step sister went through the exact same thing when she was an infant and that turned out to be the problem. And then with their mother not giving them the proper nutrition and not cleaning her house i feel like they don't even stand a chance. I'm planning on taking them to the dr i take my girls to within the next few weeks to get a 2nd opinion on their health and find out more about the milk allergy. I already spoke with someone at the office and she recommended calling dyfus. I'm not against it but i want to wait to hear what the dr has to say before doing so. Anyone that got this far thanks for reading...advice? opinions? am i blowing this out of proportion? Sometimes i feel crazy about this and i feel terrible because i love the kids so much and want nothing but the best for them and i'm not really sure what to do. I've never been involved in a situation like this first hand so i'm not really sure what to think...Thanks again for any advice.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Child Neglect (long)
Yes, he thinks we should take them to the dr and then see what the dr says...i have a feeling the dr will just call dyfus anyway..
Has your husband tried to get full custody? Does he/you want it? I know I would want full custody if I felt my ex-spouse was neglecting my children. I would be going insane to get them away from that person.
First of all - you and he need to document EVERYTHING - take photos of the children's condition when they show up... take notes of everything that goes on with them and the ex. You will want/need this documentation in court if going for custody.
I would take the children to a doctor for sure - and if the doc calls DYFS, that's fine- at least you won't have to do it - you can blame the doc when the ex gets angry - but the fact is these kids are not healthy - and they need to see a doctor with you guys - so you know what kind of help they need.
Is it possible the mom has depression since having them? Many moms of one baby suffer from PPD- and it's even more common with twin moms - esp when they had preemies who went through a lot medically... it might be something you/he wants to address with her- getting HER help so she will care for the children better.
I'm in NJ, too - and our local NJ nest board is very active- you might want to post there to see if anyone knows more about how NJ laws work for this type of situation - depending on what the actual situation is (if he's trying to get custody, etc). You might want to post there and will get more specific replies for NJ laws, etc.
those kids are so lucky to have u in their life! their story makes me so sad. i dont know what dyfus is but do what you need to to help them!
As a person involved on the care end of child and family services I suggest you contact them with your concerns. I'm not sure about there, but here they are required to look into every allegation to ensure the children are safe.
Well 18.5 and 16lbs is small for 15 month olds that is not that horrible. You have to take in consideration a lot of things, birth weight, etc.
Also, if you were to look at my girls (especially J) they are piggies! They fight for food, steal my food if they can, steal each others bottles if theirs is gone, etc. They eat anything and everything that they can get their hands on. Trust me when I say my girls are NOT starving. I'm not saying that they are not being inadequately fed, just that maybe it's not as it appears.
I think the diaper changing, lack of clothes, barf smell, etc. is unacceptable. When it gets hot out I don't dress the girls in a lot of clothes but at least put a dress or diaper shirt on them. Could it be a money issue? Maybe mom is struggling to but diapers, clothes, etc. and so she is trying to get more use out of the diapers then intended? Could DH offer more child support or to buy clothes/diapers?
Lastly, diaper rash is never a good thing but it could be similar to a situation we have gone through. When teething all 3 of my girls are terribly prone to and experience reoccurring yeast infection rashes. It's horrible and we have prescription creams but it is a pain to clear up. Is this possible?
Either way, if you have thought about the things I have wrote and still feel like this situation needs addressing beyond your control please contact child and family services. You can be kept anonymous.
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
wow....from reading this i also feel like they are neglected. I know they were born early so the weight thing i'm not sure about but i does sound like they aren't getting enough to eat. I can't imagine how the first 15 mos of their lives have been if it's this way. I hope the dr calls Dyfus..but i'm so surprised that her dr hasn't done so already. its their duty to call even if they "think" it's happening.
I wish you luck and i'm so very happy that you have them at times.
Based on this response, I think it's your responsibility to take the babies to the doctor.
I'm not sure what dyfus is but, if you feel like the doctor would step in and get involved, I can't imagine why you wouldn't.
What a horrible situation. Have you known their dad awhile? How long? Why hasn't he stepped in? Is he concerned as well?
Has your husband ever spoken to his ex about his concerns? I agree that something needs to be done in this situation but I think it's only right to give her the benefit of hearing her side of things before calling in CPS or the other organization that you mentioned.
If you all have already approached her and gotten no results, I agree with PP's about documenting everything and taking them to your pediatrician. If the mother has an issue, you can always come up with some reason for taking them (a rash, ear infection etc). Then, if the pediatrician really feels there are concerns, they can make the call and it's not on you all.
The weight alone is not a concern. My girls are 18 months and Evelyn only weighs 19lbs. She outeats her sister at every snack and meal and Audrey still weighs more (at 22lbs).
If I were you I would call and report it to DCFS. It's their job not yours to determine if the children are being neglected. The swing in child welfare now in most areas is to provide in-home services instead of removing the children from the home. If mom is struggling financially, mentally or emotionally, DCFS may work with the family to get them the help they need.
I honestly wouldn't hesitate to call. Every day that you wait to see the children and take them to the doctor is another day they are at home going to bed hungry and God knows what else. You may want to talk to your SO about making the call now. Please keep us posted.
I would absolutely take them to the pediatrician and see what they have to say. Has your husband tried to talk about/address this issue with his ex?
She absolutely could be depressed and dealing with ppd...I was attempting to do the math but I am way too tired for it really, but from what I can gather you got pregnant with twins when hers were about 8 months old - not sure if she and your soon to be DH had split before she delivered hers or not....but suddenly going from being married and expecting twins to being a single mom of twins would be a lot for me to handle. and dropping them off to your ex-dh's family would not exactly make me happy....
I think your dh should absolutely suggest she see her own doc for any issues she is having and that he wants to work with her to make sure their children are properly cared for - not sure if he is providing child support of what not...and not sure of the situation with your dh and her and you and her...but I would make any conversations all about the children...and keep in mind, even healthy children get dirty and sick...and my kids will rip the last piece of melon from the others hand in a heartbeat...
Actually my due date with my twins was July 6th and hers was June 30th of the same year. My girls were born June 2nd and hers were born April 8th. i totally understand that she probably is really pissed off that he split with her and then became involved with me and i know she misses him but she has already been in 2 relationships in the past 4 months and has moved in and out about 5-6 people within that same time period. And this doesn't sit well with me because i know that's not good for the kids at all. I know that even healthy children do those types of things but i've just never seen it to the extreme that his kids do it.
sorry - I don't know why I thought you were 27 weeks pregnant...so you met your now SO after you had your children and starting dating him after he and his ex broke-up...so she shouldn't have an intense revenge motivation to drop off poopy diapers on your doorstep so to speak...
sounds like you have a good plan to make sure those LOs get taken care of....GL!
No real advice, just encouragement. You're doing the right thing. My heart hurts for those poor babies.
I think the neglect is VERY apparent here. If you can, keep us posted.