Is this normal? — The Bump
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Is this normal?

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how DH and I's lives will change when we have a child. I've felt a little sad to know that once we do, our time alone together will be considerably less. Believe me, before we started TTC we sat down and talked about how a child changes things, and we are both completely ready and fully aware (as much as you can be) of the sacrafices that come with having a child. We are both SO ready to be parents. That said; DH and I do a lot together just him and I and I know I will miss that. Did/does anyone else feel the same way? Is it a normal part of the transition into the next phase of our lives/relationship?
Image and video hosting by TinyPic EDD: September 22, 2012 BabyFruit Ticker

Re: Is this normal?

  • yes it totally is a normal part of the change that comes with kids.   In fact, it's awesome that you recognize that now.  Because that's a huge source of marital strife in the first year of having a baby.  It is really hard.  And you have to work to keep connected.  It's something that I have totally let slide in our lives.   My suggestion would be to cultivate a good baby sitter early.  I totally slacked on that and am just now getting brave enough to think about it.  
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  • Not only normal, it's one of the hardest parts. (for me at least.) DH and I have one hour a day to spend with each other without J. And we're always so exhausted, it takes a lot of effort to use that time to connect instead of just veg out in front of the TV. We miss traveling, going on evening walks, spontaneous date nights. It is definitely a sacrifice. It may sound depressing to say this, but I am kind of looking forward to 20 years down the road when we'll have an empty nest and time to play again! :)

     

  • It is totally normal.  My H and I really love spending time together.  We truly are best friends and were very worried about what having a child would do to our time together.  Honestly, it hasn't changed too much!  A goes to bed at about 7 and we have the rest of the night together.  On the weekend we still do the things we love to do and A comes along as a wonderful addition.  You will find your groove once a baby is born.  I'm a firm believer that a baby should fit in your lifestyle, not you fitting to baby lifestyle - there are obvious exceptions to this, but by believing this it has made me and A much more flexible.

    Edit: I want to also add, that we are still planning trips together - she will come on some and not others.  We never did too much during the week so being home is not a big change for us.  And most everything we did on the weekend is friendly enough to have a child with us.

    M + K = 05.16.09 | A.P. = 02.27.11
  • image MrsKatie:

    It is totally normal.  My H and I really love spending time together.  We truly are best friends and were very worried about what having a child would do to our time together.  Honestly, it hasn't changed too much!  A goes to bed at about 7 and we have the rest of the night together.  On the weekend we still do the things we love to do and A comes along as a wonderful addition.  You will find your groove once a baby is born.  I'm a firm believer that a baby should fit in your lifestyle, not you fitting to baby lifestyle - there are obvious exceptions to this, but by believing this it has made me and A much more flexible.

    Edit: I want to also add, that we are still planning trips together - she will come on some and not others.  We never did too much during the week so being home is not a big change for us.  And most everything we did on the weekend is friendly enough to have a child with us.

    That's true - in the beginning it's not that hard to take the baby with you to go out to dinner or whatever you're doing... it gets harder then when they get more mobile, vocal, tantrumy, etc.... but then it gets easier again.  

    I dont' think you have to wait 20 years to get your life back again... I'd say when Ben was around 3 he was super easy to travel with and go out with and all... I think when my kids are 4 and 7 we'll be back to doing travel without me freaking out about how everyone will sleep, eat, nap, fly, etc... :)  2 more years.  2 more years.  2 more years... :) 

    image
  • image Seattle_JiLLn:
    image MrsKatie:

    It is totally normal.  My H and I really love spending time together.  We truly are best friends and were very worried about what having a child would do to our time together.  Honestly, it hasn't changed too much!  A goes to bed at about 7 and we have the rest of the night together.  On the weekend we still do the things we love to do and A comes along as a wonderful addition.  You will find your groove once a baby is born.  I'm a firm believer that a baby should fit in your lifestyle, not you fitting to baby lifestyle - there are obvious exceptions to this, but by believing this it has made me and A much more flexible.

    Edit: I want to also add, that we are still planning trips together - she will come on some and not others.  We never did too much during the week so being home is not a big change for us.  And most everything we did on the weekend is friendly enough to have a child with us.

    That's true - in the beginning it's not that hard to take the baby with you to go out to dinner or whatever you're doing... it gets harder then when they get more mobile, vocal, tantrumy, etc.... but then it gets easier again.  

    I dont' think you have to wait 20 years to get your life back again... I'd say when Ben was around 3 he was super easy to travel with and go out with and all... I think when my kids are 4 and 7 we'll be back to doing travel without me freaking out about how everyone will sleep, eat, nap, fly, etc... :)  2 more years.  2 more years.  2 more years... :) 

    So funny you said this!  I was just going to add that she is only 5 months old - we have a very "fun" in between age fast approaching.

    M + K = 05.16.09 | A.P. = 02.27.11
  • Oh ladies, you just made me feel so much better. I even teared up a little (I've been a little over emotional lately as well. Ha ha!). It's a relief to know I'm not alone and that it's a normal feeling. We are lucky because my Mom and Sister live within 15 minutes of us so we will have plenty of willing baby sitters around. DH and I have already discussed that we want to work hard to keep our connection strong and make time for our relationship. We both think it will only make us better parents if we are strong as a couple.  

     

    image MrsKatie:

     I'm a firm believer that a baby should fit in your lifestyle, not you fitting to baby lifestyle - there are obvious exceptions to this, but by believing this it has made me and A much more flexible.

    I love how you said this. I think that is a great way of thinking about having a baby. I'm going to share that with DH.


     

     

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic EDD: September 22, 2012 BabyFruit Ticker
  • I feel we are struggling with this right now but my DH thinks things are fine (because he is getting the sex he wants). I agree when the youngest kid is 4 or 5 things will become easier. I saw my friends a few weeks ago who have slightly older children and I was jealous of how they could just walk around holding hands for more than 2 minutes at a time without interruption. I miss the simple things, but I am also hopeful of their return. 
    Mama to Z - 5.5 years, G - 3.5 years, & M - 1.5 years.
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  • image MrsKatie:

    I'm a firm believer that a baby should fit in your lifestyle, not you fitting to baby lifestyle - there are obvious exceptions to this, but by believing this it has made me and A much more flexible.

    ITA with this.  We have purposely made our daughter's "schedule" flexible enough that it allows us to go do things in the evening as a family, or go out in the day.  The first few months are hard to do much- my kid nursed what seemed like every hour on the hour, and nursing at first took a very long time, so we just did what we could around that.  Now that she's older, we're able to take her pretty much anywhere at any time, so we just keep on with life.  She's already been to 2 amusement parks, which is our big thing to do together, and we'll be going to two more soon enough, just knowing that it won't be quite the same and we'll have to trade off going on rides. :)  You will figure out what works best for your family and how to make things work so that you are all happy.  But my best advice is to really be prepared to be flexible with your ideas about parenting.  I expected DD to be in her crib, in her own room at 6 months- it just happened this past week, and DH has slept in the guest room for almost her whole life.  It was tough to deal with but we got through it.  So I advice you to talk about scenarios and find out what you are comfortable with now and realize that things may change too, once the baby is here.  I won't lie, we have had some bad fights (hormones don't help) but we always manage to work it out in the end.  Being a parent with someone is both the most trying and rewarding thing I've ever experienced, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. :)

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  • Totally normal! I felt the exact same way when I was pg the first time. The first 9 months were rough for dh and i's alone time, but now Ella goes to bed by 7:30 and we have the whole evening to ourselves. I think hearing some people's bad experiences freaked me out and I thought dh and i would never even go on a date again. Haha! Everything works out if you put in some effort... And use the grandparents! :)
    E. 1.27.10, C. 11.1.11
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  • image KNemo:
    I can't add any more other than you have my digits and I am here for you whenever you need me!
    Thanks, hon. We need a date soon. :)
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic EDD: September 22, 2012 BabyFruit Ticker
  • We felt the same way before we had kids.  The nice thing is that when your child is young they are SO portable and it is easy to go out and do things and they sleep anywhere.  Then, they get a little older and right now we're in that stage.  But, Lucy is at an age where things are SO dang fun for her!  I think though that once you have kids, your idea of what is fun and enjoyable and valuable time together changes.  DH and I find so much more joy in things now that we never would have wanted to do as a couple without kids.

    Also, we've found that for us, while our time together as a couple is important, our time together as a family is just as important and we can find moments for each other within family time.  Sometimes it is a look, or the chance to hug each other while DD is swinging, or holding hands while walk to the playground.  Little things.

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  • Thank you again, ladies! You've all made me feel better. I'm so happy it's normal and I'm not just over thinking it.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic EDD: September 22, 2012 BabyFruit Ticker
  • Like the others have said, that is completely normal. We were told over and over when I was pregnant to make sure to make our relationship a priority. We have worked very hard to do that so far. We committed to at least one date night a month, she had her first overnight stay at a grandparents at 12 weeks old and I've lost count how many more she has already had. I used to worry that people would think we are bad parents because of it but I stopped caring. My relationship with TJ is just as important. Plus Madeline loves spending time with her grandparents.

    Also, the whole thing about your life ending when you have a kid is a total stereotype. TJ and I just went on a week long cruise, alone. I was worried I'd feel guilty (and to be honest I did a tiny bit) but we had so much fun! Your life doesn't have to end when you have kids. :)
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  • image McJen715:
    Like the others have said, that is completely normal. We were told over and over when I was pregnant to make sure to make our relationship a priority. We have worked very hard to do that so far. We committed to at least one date night a month, she had her first overnight stay at a grandparents at 12 weeks old and I've lost count how many more she has already had. I used to worry that people would think we are bad parents because of it but I stopped caring. My relationship with TJ is just as important. Plus Madeline loves spending time with her grandparents.

    Also, the whole thing about your life ending when you have a kid is a total stereotype. TJ and I just went on a week long cruise, alone. I was worried I'd feel guilty (and to be honest I did a tiny bit) but we had so much fun! Your life doesn't have to end when you have kids. :)

    ALL of this! Isa stays with her Oma and Papa ALL the time. She loves, they love it and we obviously do. We both still go out with our friends have (all though a bit less) time alone often enough. My fun life certainly didn't end when Isa was born and yours won't either! :)

    {The artist formerly known as JRS72206}
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