Counseling question

SandiaPinaMama

Okay, I'm putting on my big girl panties.  My marriage is falling apart, seemingly pretty fast.  I've never been happier than now, but clearly my DH is terribly miserable.  I can't handle the negativity any longer.  He's picking fights with me, and avoiding the baby.  Actually, I wonder if he has PPD.  Any how, I live in a relatively small community--an everyone-knows-everyone kind of place, and DH and I are both prominent in the community.  I'm thinking we need counseling, but I'm concerned about how to pick. 

How do you pick a counselor?  The phone book?  Google?  Do you interview them?  

Does anyone have small town experience with counselors? How do get past telling a neighbor all your secrets?

And, I guess what I'm most worried about, DH and I have had some seriously rough patches, but we've recovered extremely well.  I'm afraid that counseling will dredge up old stuff that has been put to bed.  I'm also afraid that a counselor will tell me that everything is my fault (probably an irrational fear, but nonetheless...).  Is there a way for counseling to stay focused on just the post-baby issues like re-dividing our tasks around the home and resentment on both of our parts about the other's luxuries?   

Also, any ideas about how to get DH to agree to go to counseling?  He had a bad bad experience with a school counselor in middle school, and is seriously distrusting of the idea.

Thanks in advance for your help guys.  

vic02891

never been to a counselor, but have u thought about maybe looking for one out of ur town maybe in the next town over or something so that its not someone u might know?

GHBEA

First off adolescent counselors are different then marriage counselors.  I believe a counselor will want to know things from the past to help get to the root of the current issue, some people hold on to issues and weather they make them present or not they are always in the back of the mind.  If you seek help in your town the counselor has a patient confidentiality they have to follow.  It is their profession and they understand couples have problems.  Ask your DH to go, if he says no then you go by yourself and maybe he will change his mind once he hears how its going for you.  Good luck. 

katlizabeth

Good luck to you.  I agree with pp, maybe try a nearby town?  And my thoughts are that a good counselor would know whether past issues have truly been resolved or not and if they have then you could let them be.  But I think sometimes they need to know a past history to know why you and your dh behave the way you do.  I don't know.  Good luck.

LoCarb

I started marriage counseling w/ DH last month.  Adjusting to the new baby has put a strain on our marriage and I work f/t.  Apparently, that's a dbl doozie according to the therapists.

This is how I went about it.  I called my insurance co. for rec's and sometimes they require pre approval for behavioral therapists. I also looked on doc find website and found several ppl in the location I wanted, gender and hrs that would work w/ my schedule.  I met w/ two and preferred one over the other. You may have to meet w/ several before you find one that you like.  My DH was very interested in what we talked about and I would share 'some' with him.  I suggested if he cared about us and the relationship he would attend a session with me and consider couples therapy.  He agreed easily, I was lucky. I'm not an expert and don't know how common this practice is...both drs I met w/ took down a brief history/background on us (divorces in family, how long married, etc...).  They both said what's in the past is past, focus on the present to be happy in the future.

BJKL

My DH and I went to counseling last year and it was great for both of us.  I didn't even really love our counselor and I still think we grew so much as a couple as a result of the sessions. So I highly recommend going.

IMO...if you are afraid that old issues are going to come up...then those issues don't seem like they were ever really dealt with and maybe it is time to talk them through and really put them to bed.  Obviously I don;t know the situation but old resentments seem to fester for a lot of people and they are bound to come up either now or later.

goalieamy24

Sorry that you are experiencing this with your husband.  I am a therapist, so let me give you some pointers from this end.  

 1) When it comes to finding a therapist the best 2 places to start are to call your insurance company for recommendations and to ask family/friends who you feel comfortable for recommendations.  Get the names, and then do your own research online.  Determine if any of them have a specialty.  Most private practices have websites.  And when you initially meet with a therapist meet with a therapist, make sure that you two connect.  Try two sessions and if it doesn't feel right, don't be afraid to try a different therapist.  We don't take it personally. 

 2) As PP said, I would encourage you to maybe seek help in an outside community.  While the therapist can never break confidentiality, if you truly live in a small town, people may see you coming in/out of his/her office. 

 3) As for the focus of counseling, a good therapist will allow you to focus on whatever your needs are.  And if the therapist delves into a territory where you are uncomfortable, you have the right to speak up and say I'd rather not discuss that.  If the therapist thinks it is very pertinent to what you are going through, s/he can explain the reasons for going into that area.  And it is not a therapist's role to place blame.  Placing blame is not healthy and it's more about individuals taking personal responsibility for their roles. 

 4) When trying to talk with someone about going to counseling, make sure you speak to them at a good time.  If the person is already upset, that's not a good time to bring it up.  Practice what you'd like to say, and make sure that there is minimal ways for him to construe what you're saying as an attack on him as a person.  And gently share with him that all therapists are different.  A school counselor has a very different role than someone you are going to see as an adult. 

 

Sharby's Star

goalieamy24:

Sorry that you are experiencing this with your husband.  I am a therapist, so let me give you some pointers from this end.  

 1) When it comes to finding a therapist the best 2 places to start are to call your insurance company for recommendations and to ask family/friends who you feel comfortable for recommendations.  Get the names, and then do your own research online.  Determine if any of them have a specialty.  Most private practices have websites.  And when you initially meet with a therapist meet with a therapist, make sure that you two connect.  Try two sessions and if it doesn't feel right, don't be afraid to try a different therapist.  We don't take it personally. 

 2) As PP said, I would encourage you to maybe seek help in an outside community.  While the therapist can never break confidentiality, if you truly live in a small town, people may see you coming in/out of his/her office. 

 3) As for the focus of counseling, a good therapist will allow you to focus on whatever your needs are.  And if the therapist delves into a territory where you are uncomfortable, you have the right to speak up and say I'd rather not discuss that.  If the therapist thinks it is very pertinent to what you are going through, s/he can explain the reasons for going into that area.  And it is not a therapist's role to place blame.  Placing blame is not healthy and it's more about individuals taking personal responsibility for their roles. 

 4) When trying to talk with someone about going to counseling, make sure you speak to them at a good time.  If the person is already upset, that's not a good time to bring it up.  Practice what you'd like to say, and make sure that there is minimal ways for him to construe what you're saying as an attack on him as a person.  And gently share with him that all therapists are different.  A school counselor has a very different role than someone you are going to see as an adult. 

 

I am a therapist as well and would second all of this.  One thing I would add is to call several of the referrals that you've been given, even before scheduling.  Typically, you can tell a lot by how the therapist interacts with you over the phone.  Use that as an opportunity to "interview" them in a sense.  You still may not find the right therapist on the first visit, but this will help you get a little bit closer.

PAmiler82

As a school counselor myself I wanted to add 1) I'm sorry your husband had such a bad experience and 2) pps are right - school counseling is very different than individual therapy and/or marriage and family counseling.  A counselor or therapist you see is trained very differently than myself and other school counselors.  Perhaps it will help your husband to realize how different it will be to speak with a trained marriage counselor.  Maybe you can gently remind him that one bad egg doesn't represent the whole helping profession.  Just because you have a negative experience with a mechanic doesn't mean you never get your car fixed again.  You just have to find the right person!

shaindelr

goalieamy24:

Sorry that you are experiencing this with your husband.  I am a therapist, so let me give you some pointers from this end.  

 1) When it comes to finding a therapist the best 2 places to start are to call your insurance company for recommendations and to ask family/friends who you feel comfortable for recommendations.  Get the names, and then do your own research online.  Determine if any of them have a specialty.  Most private practices have websites.  And when you initially meet with a therapist meet with a therapist, make sure that you two connect.  Try two sessions and if it doesn't feel right, don't be afraid to try a different therapist.  We don't take it personally. 

 2) As PP said, I would encourage you to maybe seek help in an outside community.  While the therapist can never break confidentiality, if you truly live in a small town, people may see you coming in/out of his/her office. 

 3) As for the focus of counseling, a good therapist will allow you to focus on whatever your needs are.  And if the therapist delves into a territory where you are uncomfortable, you have the right to speak up and say I'd rather not discuss that.  If the therapist thinks it is very pertinent to what you are going through, s/he can explain the reasons for going into that area.  And it is not a therapist's role to place blame.  Placing blame is not healthy and it's more about individuals taking personal responsibility for their roles. 

 4) When trying to talk with someone about going to counseling, make sure you speak to them at a good time.  If the person is already upset, that's not a good time to bring it up.  Practice what you'd like to say, and make sure that there is minimal ways for him to construe what you're saying as an attack on him as a person.  And gently share with him that all therapists are different.  A school counselor has a very different role than someone you are going to see as an adult. 

Everything goalieamy24 said is right on. (Obviously, as a therapist, she knows more than I do, but here's my take.) I went to therapy for years to try to get away from my abusive  (now ex-)husband. I knew he was brainwashing me, making me crazy, and I really needed someone else to keep telling me that. I'm in a town where everyone knows everyone, too.

I found my therapist because there was a certain method I was interested in, and I looked online for people who specialize in that.

Something you might want to do is see if there are two therapists who do "team" marriage counseling. Usually, a male therapist and a female therapist do this together, so that neither spouse feels like the therapist of the opposite sex is siding against them.

For a while, my ex went to a male therapist, and I went to my therapist, and they communicated, but he was clearly abusive, and it wasn't like any amount of therapy was going to change what he was doing to me... But if that hadn't been the case, our therapists would have done "team" sessions with us...

Good luck! 

SandiaPinaMama

Thanks for the help everyone.  Of course, the minute I post this, DH comes to me, tells me that he knows he hasn't been doing his best, and is going to try to be more positive, affectionate, etc.  I'm still going to look for a counselor, but I take this as a good sign. 

Scout05

It's different circumstances, but DH and I started seeing a grief counselor last year. It was the best thing we could have done for our marriage. I am a big believer in therapy, if the people involved are committed to the process. Like PP said, if you are afraid of those old issues, it means they haven't really been dealt with and put to rest.

I would look in a near-by town, or ask your doctor for a suggestion. There are also Web sites that can help you identify counselors in your area (google will help you find them.)

Good luck.