Friends or Lack Of - kinda long

bwtsn

Sooo my husband keeps telling me that I need friends. I think this mostly boils down to the fact that I have weeded a lot of girls out of my life because of the fact that they aren't reliable, trustworthy, or on the same page as I am as far as being a good mother versus being a mother who pawns her kids off every weekend to party. 

I do have one good friend. She was the matron of honor in my wedding and we've known each other for a really long time. She, however, is married, has 2 kids, and works odd hours. We rarely see each other, but talk via text pretty much every day. 

I'm okay with this. Of course, it would be nice to have a close-knit group of girlfriends that I could get together with (with kids or without) and enjoy some adult, female time. But I don't and I'm okay with that. I'm used to that.

I think my husband just feels guilty leaving me - sitting at home with our 2yo and almost 10 weeks pregnant - so he can hang out with the guys for a few hours. I, of course, don't care that he goes. I think it's great that he has good friends he can rely on.

I just wish he would stop telling me I need to make friends. It makes me feel like I'm some lonely, pathetic person with no life. 

Anyone ever been in a similar situation? Or am I really that lonely and pathetic? 

tmjmeister

DH and I are BOTH like that, except his is a little "worse" than mine. I have very few friends and we are all always busy, DH has none, literally. We always says we should get some but in the end it really doesn't bother either one of us and whenever me and my girlfriends are able to get together, rarely, DH doesn't mind at all. He does, however, get to go out of town twice a year to see his hometown for a "guys weekend" with his brothers which I honestly think is all he really wants.

ferris0906

I tend to be like you.  I have friends who I adore, but I do not have the desire to hang out with or talk with them every day or even every week.  I really value my 'alone' time and like doing things on my own.  I have always been this way and don't feel the need to change. My husband is more like yours, so we both have to compromise at times (go out and socialize or stay in). 

mlbohannon1120

I find myself sitting at home, by myself quite a bit while DH is spending time with his buddies. My problem is this: we were young to get married compared to our other friends, and we are young to be having a baby (this was a surprise). It seems like our friends that we used to spend a lot of time with are on completely different pages with their lives right now. I don't have the energy to be staying out bar hopping until 2 in the morning.

 The couples we know that are having kids or are at similar places in our lives are co-workers of my husband, and after spending all day at work with those people, he's not always into chilling with them on his own time.

I WISH we/I had more friends that we really enjoyed spending time with. It just seems like we are all at such different points in our lives and we all have such different priorities. Finding time and activities that are conducive to all of our different personalities has become somewhat of a challenge. I do enjoy my occasional lunches with my girlfriends, but outside of those, I feel like an old maid sometimes!

pennyandandy

You are not pathetic! We have moved twice in three years, so while I have a group of girl friends that I have known for awhile, I don't see them very often. I have one friend that I have made here that I consider myself close to, and a few other acquaintances. I don't really love being in big groups of people, and I hate talking on the phone. DH is a social butterfly, and he loves to join groups and meet other guys to hunt and fish with and what not. I am more than glad to let him go whenever he wants, and he doesn't bug me about wanting to curl up with a book. It works out just fine!

RachNRich

You're not pathetic...and you're not alone. My husband and I moved 5 states away a year ago. While I've made a few friends through work and my husband work, there's really no one I've made a connection with, and--most of my activities end up with me being by myself. One of me closest friends just moved down near us to go to grad school---but, even we have drifted apart (I finished grad school years ago, got married, have a career, am starting a family, etc...she just left a babysitting job to start school). So, even though I have someone near now that I know well, I don't feel like we are at the same place in our lives and it makes it hard for me to talk to her, especially about the pregnancy. 

Needless to say, I am more than okay being alone!  

ladybuggirls99

I have weeded out almost all of my friends over the past 5-10 years. I've been  through a lot, and I have no tolerance for any type of lying, fake behavior, competition, etc.  I'm not looking for people to hang out with regularly because I'm busy most of the time with my daughters and dh.  I also have one close friend that I see every couple of weeks, and I'm okay with that as well.  Imo, having one real friend is much better than having a bunch of acquaintances or superficial friendships. 

So, if you're pathetic, I'm pathetic, too. 

 

cathom7

IDK if you go to church or not, but pretty much EVERYwhere has a MOPS these days.  *Mothers Of Preschoolers."  And it's open to ALL Moms, xian or not, of course.  All Mamas happily welcomed!  We moved last year 5 hours from home.  MISERABLE and lonely, I went to one and it was AWESOME. 

First of all, there is free childcare.  2nd, there is a Delicious potluck every single week, and you only have your turn a couple times. So.  You show up.  Kids go into nurseries.  You get to eat really Yummy stuff with no one grabbing you or having to feed someone else or fighting or "SIT DOWN NOW" going on;0)  Heaven. 

And then, we usually did a simple craft or learned how to do something.  My fave this year was CUPCAKES decorated like a Tiger face.  They looked professional, but were SO EASY!  We also had door prizes and when you go your 1st time announcing a new pregnancy, you got a big cheer and little gift bag.  AND when you have baby, girls take turns bringing dinner!!!  In ours, we had 40billion ladies, so they brought enough covered dishes for 1-2 weeks of dinners. 

Best of all, I met some fun girls with kids similar ages and made some friends pretty easily(there were all kinds there;0).  We had playdates and stuff, too.  They all meet 2x a month, but with optional playdates, we ended up seeing people 3-4 times a month.  It was nice to get out and chat with other Moms and my son LOVED seeing/playing with other kids.  It was nice to have the support and be able to support others. 

But if you're happy as you are, it shouldn't matter.  I have a few really solid friends, but now that we moved back home, when I go somewhere, it's to family;0)

cathom7

My point with all that is---  Maybe it'd get him off your back, if you went to something like that a couple times a month...  And you never know.  You might really enjoy the break!

KALP83

You are not alone.  I don't have many friends either.  I do have some "mommy friends" who I get together with for my son to have playdates, but don't have much in common with them.  I see them for playdates but never on the weekends or anything.  A lot of them have clicked with eachother but I am just not that close with them.

I try to keep busy with DS and we do things together then we try to do family stuff on the weekends.  My DH has friends @ work he sees M-F then he occassionally sees other friends outside of work.

Some of our good friends don't have kids yet, so it makes it hard to get together because our son has to be entertained or babysat, then it gets confusing, lol.

 

Shoegal23

I've been going through something similar. I have plenty of friends that live in other towns, but most of them work. I can't seem to make any friends in our town! It's bizzare. My husband has a great social life lol, but mine is definitely lacking!

jennlin

i've also weeded out lots of my former friends...i've also made some awesome friends on my local knot (few years ago), nest (currently), and i foresee meeting some good friends off my local bump in the next few months. check out your local boards for some good friendships.

bwtsn

Thanks ladies! I feel so much better knowing that I'm not the only one in a similar situation. I may not have many "physical" friends, but at least I know I have my February 2012 women! =]

tahitiandreamin

Would you consider yourself an introvert (get more energy from being alone than from being in a big crowd)?  I know that I am definitely an introvert so as a result I have only a few people that I would classify as good friends.  But I also prefer my friendships to be more meaningful...

byersals

You are so not alone!  The majority of my really good friends are ones I keep in touch with daily but they don't live anywhere near close to where I am.  And if you're ok with him spending time with his friends and happy occasionally on your own, then I see no problem with it at all! 

firstmom2b

Ever thought of tagging along to hang out with his guy friends? Ha, may not be doable...DH and my friends are practically blended at this point. Every once in a while I'll have a girl's lunch or he'll go biking with the guys, but we pretty much just all hang out together. Even if I'm not playing video games with them (well, I do like playing video games to an extent) I'm usually 'around' when he has his buddies over. Just a thought - I think blending is just nice, makes everyone feel included and "together."

 

But regardless, I'm a real introvert...I like to have my really close friends and that's all I need, and I don't need to see them regularly. As long as you don't feel deprived socially, I wouldn't worry about it one bit!!!! 

firstmom2b

Also, to add - I found I have a real "anti-social" tenancy at my super social office. They are always hanging out after work, going out to lunch, and I've resisted those clicks since day 1 of working here...and I've been here 4 years!!!! Just not my style. I like to come in and work and then go home and have my separate social life with my few good friends/family members. But I feel I need to work on this. : / haha

 

By the way, the members on these boards are a great support group!!! I love you guys !!! : )

nigelava

I don't hang out with any of my old girlfriends anymore. One is a pot head who is 22 and hasn't even started college, the other is dating a semi-famous guy and is preoccupied with that and partying ALL the time. Neither of them are doing things that are really 'my scene,' though we kind of began to drift right after I graduated. Another one of my girlfriends had her child right out of high school, had to quit the air force because of it, then got married, and grew up WAY too fast...she isn't even remotely the same person. Most days I hang out by myself, or with my SIL...though we have hardly any connection. I've known her for 5+ years now, and each conversation feels like I'm talking to someone I've just met...and I am very outgoing, so I know it's not me who's making things awkward. But anyway, you'll find that friends will come and go, and sometimes it's for the best!

Feb3

My DH and I are the opposite.  I'm more social and DH is happy to stay home.  He has good friends, but he's not one to make a lot of plans or have a "guys night."  I'm usually the one going out with my friends and leaving him home with DD.  I don't feel bad about it or try to force him to go out.  He doesn't want to!

It sounds like you hit the nail on the head when you said your DH feels guilty.  He's projecting his needs onto you instead of realizing that you have different needs.  As long as you're happy, I don't see anything pathetic about it. 

hillbillysunshine

I'm EXACTLY like that.  Have two friends from work who I do lunch with at work every now n' then, but we never hang out outside of work (only text or FB occassionally).  The two close girlfriends that I do have live in VA and MD (we were all military brats growing-up so we all ended up in diff cities).  He goes out for cigars and other guy-ish activities, and keeps telling me that I should go out more too.  But honestly, I'm fine with not going out.  Like you, yeah it would be great to have some close gal friends on the same page...but everyone around here either has kids older than mine or they don't have kids and are still in to the bar/club scene - so not my style anymore.  Oh well...if you're that lonely and pathetic, you have someone with ya (even if I am miles away!).