SS and SO frustrate me to no end. Help!
Been a while since I've posted on this board. Hello!
I have a soon to be stepson (I refer to him as SS), he just turned 8 this June. My SO and his mother broke up while she was still pregnant with him. Anywho, his mother, is ridden with lots of strange emotional and mental problems, and contributes the majority of my SS issues. The thing is, we need to draw a line of what is acceptable and what is unacceptable given his circumstances. My SO and I will have two sons together, DS1 is 20 months and DS2 is due this Sept (please don't come early lil buddy 
) and I think my emotional state, NEEDS some stability and linear rules for our family to abide by. I'm sick and tired of having to second guess every SINGLE time my SS pisses on the floor, on himself while awake, while outside, while playing video games, in his bed, on the toilet seat, leaves his pissy laundry here until the next weekend when "IIIIIIII" discover it... and even lies, makes excuses or totally breaks down in this overly dramatic way when he is confronted by it. Many of you may already assume that because I am his SM, that I have some resentment or dislike for him just because. Its not the case at all. I will be honest and say that I am developing resentment and a dislike because I feel like I am alone and I have this odd position in this blended family of mine. His father is passive, feels guilty, and hopeless when it comes to his son. On top of this urine issues, he lies, A LOT, refuses to pay attention to time, time in space, disregards common rules we are trying to establish, uses blank-mindedness in confrontational situations and is preoccupied with making excuses and exceptions for anything. He also lacks motivation, for pretty much anything. His father also gives him 6 or 7 dollars a week, for no reason at all, even when he poorly misbehaves because he feels like he "shouldn't use his allowance as a punishment''. I am so frustrated because I want so much more for my SS and the way he is getting away with his behavior, is killing me. We only see him on the weekends, mostly 3 days at a time, and it always resets our family dynamic. He gets talked to every single weekend. Talked to? Thats it! No constructive punishments, just a bunch of talks and threats! I do not want to develop a resentment or dislike for him, but I feel it can not be avoided unless his parents get him together. I am also scared that my SO's way of thinking will pass onto my sons, and the LORD above knows that I will not tolerate my sons being raised to be like that. Can stepchildren be deal-breakers? Am I being overly dramatic? BTW I am 27 and my SO is 36. I feel like I can't take it anymore, it's disgusting, frustrating, because I do not want my SS to be treated differently than my sons. We are a family and I just don't know what to do.
Re: SS and SO frustrate me to no end. Help!
This is not going to be easy to hear, but you do not have a SS issue or even a BM issue. YOU HAVE A DH ISSUE.
There are two options that come to mind.
1) Stop doing anything for SS while he is in your home. You are not even married to his father. You ahve no responsibility for him. Do not clean his clothing. Do not make him food (what I mean is do not serve it). Do not do the wake up stuff or the bed time stuff. Do not buy anything for him (ie if its school time, no b2s clothes).
JUST STOP. And leave it up to your SO.
And when he comeplains (and he will) kindly remind him that since you are not given any say or allowed follow-through in how he is treated in your home, you are not really responsible for him.
2) You tell SO that you will be doing family, couple and individual counseling or you are out of there.
This is not a snipe at your lifestyle. But when someone will not marry the mother of his child(ren) AND refuses to allow them equal partnership in the household, then the relatioinship is not worth saving. He has already told you, through his actions, how he really feels about you and his level of respect for you as just another adult (would he allow SS act like this with his teachers?).
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
You make me blush.
But for the OP, I do not say this lightly. It took taking a small (all be it, great distance) separation to get my DH to pull his guilt ridden head out of his hiney-butt**. And then it took another year for the changes to stick (ie for him not to fall back into the old patterns).
YOU have an opportunity that I did w not, your SS is only 8. Mine came to me at 13. If you do any research on child development, you have not fallen off the cliff of no return (not that its hopeless, but it is harder after 10).
But there is no magic word for DH or teaching tool for SS. It takes YOU standing firm in demanding what you DESERVE.
***Monkey calls her butt, Hiney-Butt. It is too damn cute.
Wooo mama! I honestly feel so good that you said that! It is a problem with my SO. We are to be married, and this situation here, is giving me cold feet. He does allow me to act on his sons behavior, but it seems that the things that I chose to do, like writing standards, etc, is a bit "too much for him, he has issues, you know". Well then where the freak is his check from social security, if he is handicapped? I seem to be responsible for cooking, cleaning, etc and I don't want to just NOT do it for my SS, but geez you have made me think twice about that! Thanks for the tough love!!
I think you already know you have a SO problem, based on your post title. You need to get on the same page with SO about rules, discipline, parenting, AND be consistent about it permanently if you want to see a difference in your SS. DH is the primary disciplinarian of SS but if either of us says something to SS, we back each other up 100% even if we disagree with it (we discuss it later, not in front of SS).
Family counseling could help you get on the same page. It's hard to say if your SS's issues are entirely a result of his surroundings. A few things you said make me think your SS needs to be evaluated by a therapist for disruptive behavior disorders, if he hasn't been already, esp. if he struggles in school and/or socially with his peers and the problems seem to be magnified as he gets older. He is young and there is a lot that can be done to help him, but your SO needs to be the one who is proactive about it, not you.
Does SS see a counselor about this urination issue? If SO acknowledges that his son has "issues", and thus thinks you should take it easy on him, then I think you should point out the need for some psychological evaluation.
Other than that I agree with PPs. Don't accept responsibility for a child you're not actually allowed to parent.
What Illumine said.
I just can't get over how there are parents in the world who think that kids raise and learn things themselves and that you as a parent do not have an active role in how they develop and mature.
That's the sense I'm getting about your SO.
Parenting is hard...but it's not that hard. And he seems to just sort of half-assedly go thru motions and hopes something sticks.
Sorry, that's not an answer...but an observation from what you've stated. He needs to wake up or you have a tough ten more years ahead of you. REALLY tough.
We are to be married, and this situation here, is giving me cold feet. He does allow me to act on his sons behavior, but it seems that the things that I chose to do, like writing standards, etc, is a bit "too much for him, he has issues, you know".
DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN YET. YOU WILL REGRET IT.
If you stay with him as is, you're setting yourself up to be a doormat for him, your SS and the 2 sons of your own. You will be outnumbered and it will be HELL.
Get counseling for you and your SO ASAP.
Does your future SS have a medical condition or issue? Is he in treatment of any kind even if the issue is not a medical one (ie counseling?)?
Your major problem is your SO, not BM or SS. PPs said it well. Postpone the wedding indefinitely until these issues are sorted out. That may mean canceling it altogether but you'd be better off canceling a wedding than divorcing him later when things don't change.
This! I want to print this out and casually leave it on the seat of my SO's truck