DD constantly says "It's all my fault."

CakeBatter · July 2011

Hoping you ladies can offer some advice on how to approach this. DD (3 yo) is in daycare and has recently started saying "It's all my fault" when negative things happen. Sometimes it's the result of her being careless, sometimes it's truly an accident, and sometimes it has absolutely nothing to do with her. We NEVER tell her it's her fault (even if it is, we know she didn't mean for it to happen and we tell her "It's ok, it was an accident."). Obviously she's getting this from daycare, most likely from another kid who probably has a big brother or sister who tells them the same (I can't imagine a teacher would say something like that to a kid, but I guess it's possible). It's really bothering me. DD looks so sad and upset when she says it. I want it stopped. How would you approach this with the teachers?

Bride2b2004 · July 2011

Awww. That's so sad. I would just tell the teacher what you have been noticing and see if they have noticed it too, or noticed other children saying it. I would come up with an approach to dealing with it to be used at school and home. The teachers might have ideas about what to do.

I remember DS1 saying something similar and I would give him a hug and try to talk through whatever happened. For things that were his "fault" we would talk about how accidents and things done on purpose, how to be more careful next time and what to do to make amends (even though it is an accident- we knock down a friend- we say sorry and see what we can do to help make them feel better like getting a cool cloth for their hurt knee) and for things that just happened explain that sometimes things happen that aren't anybody's fault (insert example).

One thing I wouldn't do is overreact and swoop in and say "oh, no, sweetie, that isn't your fault" and make a big deal, because it could turn into attention seeking-type behavior. Just be matter of fact, accidents happen, let it go... behavior has consequences, this is what we do to make amends... etc. In our case, DS1 dropped the expression he use to say, but he is still working on understanding doing things on purpose and accidentally and why sometimes he incurs discipline and sometimes doesn't for the same outcome (e.g., spilling his drink by goofing around after being told to stop vs. spilling his drink by accident when reaching out to share his lunch with his little brother).

CakeBatter · July 2011

We definitely don't want to turn this into an attention-getting behavior, nor do we want her to blame herself for every little thing, but we do want her to feel appropriate guilt when she's done something wrong (don't want her to be a psychopath, after all). I think talking to her about each situation will help (i.e. when something is an accident versus when she did something we told her not to do and she does it anyway). Thanks for the tips!

lilyaster · July 2011

I wanted to tell you that my 4 yo DD says this, or at least went through a phase recently, of saying "It's all my fault" whenever we would fuss at her for something or she was upset about not getting her way. Like, we would say No, it's not time for a snack yet. And she would do a big sigh, pout and say "it's all my fault!" It was clear that she wasn't even sure what it meant but she knew it was a dramatic thing to say and initially it got sympathy from us. After a while we realized it was more her being dramatic (cause she is that kind of child) and not so much her genuinely feeling like she caused a problem. I don't know if that's how it is with your DD but I wanted to share our experience. We try not to get sidetracked by her dramatic flair and just be firm and consistent with discipline. Oh, and I have no idea where my DD heard it from.