Could use some perspective on DH's family

elizabethtaylor944

I'm new in these here parts but I could use some outside perspective on something. My DH is one of 8 kids that are spread out all over the Northeast. They are not a close-knit family by any stretch. I've met his mom twice in four years of being together, she shows no interest in knowing me further and that's fine (his father passed away when he was 18). I've met his brother twice as well. The second time we took a bus for 3 1/2 hours to attend his brother's birthday party because we were invited and it seemed important to him. He didn't interact with us that night at all and we left on another bus the following morning. No big deal.

His brother sent me a message a couple of days ago on FB (just saw it) that he and his partner will be in NYC on Sunday to get their marriage license. That is literally all the message says, but I assume he's telling me because he wants to meet up. Am I obligated to do this? I have tons of schoolwork and other stuff to get done over the weekends so it's hard to make plans even with friends with whom we actually have relationships. 

Deep down I think I know I'm being a biitch and I need to suck it up for an afternoon... right? Please don't flame me (or do, if you're really itching to). There's a lot more to the story but this post is long enough as it is.

roshybride

What does your DH think? I think that's all that matters.

Mysterious_wife

You should reply and say congrats and leave it at that.  If he can't come out and ask to see you, then why make the effort?

MNgirl326

Are you asking whether or not you should call him?  Why can't you call him, say congrats and see where the conversation goes from there?  No, you are not obligated to meet up with him, but you can at least call and say congrats.

N&G 5_26_07

roshybride:

What does your DH think? I think that's all that matters.

I agree. Id DH felt strongly about going I would stand by that. If he really didn't care, I would express that I had other things planned and take it from there. 

joanithegreat

I think it all depends on what your DH wants to do, if he wants to get together with his brother then you should be there, if you can.

N&G 5_26_07

Mysterious_wife:

You should reply and say congrats and leave it at that.  If he can't come out and ask to see you, then why make the effort?

Actually - this!

 

If he expressly invited you to attend, then I would talk with DH. But in response to his message I would send a congrats and be done. 

Gina418

I would just reply to his message and say "Cool - good luck!" and leave it at that. If he replies that he would like to meet up with you and dh, then discuss it with your dh - maybe you can all meet for a quick lunch or some drinks in the evening. At the end of the day, it's family and (barring any abuse/insanity) you should all support each other.

bellafirenze

If he didn't actually ask you to meet up (or even mention the possibility) I think that clears you of any obligation.

However if your DH does want to see him & they make plans, I think it would be rude not to go with. Otherwise, you don't have any further obligation on your end. 

elizabethtaylor944

abartow:

Are you asking whether or not you should call him?  Why can't you call him, say congrats and see where the conversation goes from there?  No, you are not obligated to meet up with him, but you can at least call and say congrats.

I don't even have his number in my phone, though I'm sure DH does. I've never spoken to him except the two times I've met him, so a phone call would be very awkward. I will send them a card, which is more than he did for us when we got married even though we gave him and their mother money to buy plane tickets to my hometown and paid for a hotel room for them. I'm not interested in keeping track of who does what for who, but it shows a definite lack of effort on his part, and speaks to why I'm hesitant to respond to his message.

weelass24

Honestly, only 762 couples are getting in on sunday, by lottery only. If they weren't in the pool by noon today, they shouldn't bother. Lottery winners will be notified tomorrow. Don't worry about it.

elizabethtaylor944

If he proposed a time and place or even just followed up by asking if we want to meet for lunch or something I would definitely go, I just wasn't sure if I'm supposed to extend the invitation first. My DH doesn't know he sent me the message so he doesn't have an opinion at the moment. I doubt he'd feel compelled to make plans unless his brother really seemed like he wanted to get together.

elizabethtaylor944

weelass24:

Honestly, only 762 couples are getting in on sunday, by lottery only. If they weren't in the pool by noon today, they shouldn't bother. Lottery winners will be notified tomorrow. Don't worry about it.

Oh holy hell, there is no way they got it together enough to actually do that. These are the kind of people that just kind of show up for things and hope for the best. Not a lot of organization going on. It's hard to explain without sounding like a biitch, but if getting their license on Sunday required more than showing up and filling out some forms, it's not gonna happen. I shan't worry about it.

MNgirl326

elizabethtaylor944:

abartow:

Are you asking whether or not you should call him?  Why can't you call him, say congrats and see where the conversation goes from there?  No, you are not obligated to meet up with him, but you can at least call and say congrats.

I don't even have his number in my phone, though I'm sure DH does. I've never spoken to him except the two times I've met him, so a phone call would be very awkward. I will send them a card, which is more than he did for us when we got married even though we gave him and their mother money to buy plane tickets to my hometown and paid for a hotel room for them. I'm not interested in keeping track of who does what for who, but it shows a definite lack of effort on his part, and speaks to why I'm hesitant to respond to his message.

I am sure if you wanted to get the number, you could.  It doesn't really matter what has happened in the past.  Be the bigger person, be the adult, and call ( or even text) and say congrats. 

elizabethtaylor944

abartow:

elizabethtaylor944:

abartow:

Are you asking whether or not you should call him?  Why can't you call him, say congrats and see where the conversation goes from there?  No, you are not obligated to meet up with him, but you can at least call and say congrats.

I don't even have his number in my phone, though I'm sure DH does. I've never spoken to him except the two times I've met him, so a phone call would be very awkward. I will send them a card, which is more than he did for us when we got married even though we gave him and their mother money to buy plane tickets to my hometown and paid for a hotel room for them. I'm not interested in keeping track of who does what for who, but it shows a definite lack of effort on his part, and speaks to why I'm hesitant to respond to his message.

I am sure if you wanted to get the number, you could.  It doesn't really matter what has happened in the past.  Be the bigger person, be the adult, and call ( or even text) and say congrats. 

I know I could get it if I wanted to. I don't want to. I hate phones in general, especially awkward conversations with people who are essentially strangers to me. But you're absolutely right, I can still congratulate him like an adult. Can I not send a card? I'll buy a nice one! From Papyrus! 

CamJack mom

abartow:

elizabethtaylor944:

abartow:

Are you asking whether or not you should call him?  Why can't you call him, say congrats and see where the conversation goes from there?  No, you are not obligated to meet up with him, but you can at least call and say congrats.

I don't even have his number in my phone, though I'm sure DH does. I've never spoken to him except the two times I've met him, so a phone call would be very awkward. I will send them a card, which is more than he did for us when we got married even though we gave him and their mother money to buy plane tickets to my hometown and paid for a hotel room for them. I'm not interested in keeping track of who does what for who, but it shows a definite lack of effort on his part, and speaks to why I'm hesitant to respond to his message.

I am sure if you wanted to get the number, you could.  It doesn't really matter what has happened in the past.  Be the bigger person, be the adult, and call ( or even text) and say congrats. 

If he sent her an email, why does SHE have to call to respond?? I think the most confusing thing about this to me, is why in the world he didn't contact his brother? It doesn't sound like the two of you have any sort of relationship, so why did he choose to contact you? I agree that a simple "That great, congrats" should suffice, and I definitely would not call.

elizabethtaylor944

CamJack mom:

abartow:

elizabethtaylor944:

abartow:

Are you asking whether or not you should call him?  Why can't you call him, say congrats and see where the conversation goes from there?  No, you are not obligated to meet up with him, but you can at least call and say congrats.

I don't even have his number in my phone, though I'm sure DH does. I've never spoken to him except the two times I've met him, so a phone call would be very awkward. I will send them a card, which is more than he did for us when we got married even though we gave him and their mother money to buy plane tickets to my hometown and paid for a hotel room for them. I'm not interested in keeping track of who does what for who, but it shows a definite lack of effort on his part, and speaks to why I'm hesitant to respond to his message.

I am sure if you wanted to get the number, you could.  It doesn't really matter what has happened in the past.  Be the bigger person, be the adult, and call ( or even text) and say congrats. 

If he sent her an email, why does SHE have to call to respond?? I think the most confusing thing about this to me, is why in the world he didn't contact his brother? It doesn't sound like the two of you have any sort of relationship, so why did he choose to contact you? I agree that a simple "That great, congrats" should suffice, and I definitely would not call.

 This is what I'm confused about too. I don't know why he contacted me. Maybe he thinks the womenfolk are responsible for coordinating these things. But there was no invitation, or hint that an invitation was forthcoming...? Anyway, after Wee's post about the lottery system I think it might be moot.

Thank you everyone for your responses! This was very helpful.