Is your SS/SD YOUR child?
Because I'm being told to call my SS "my kid" is being possessive of "someone else's child"...
He's my kid too! We have 80% time share. I've parented him for 10 years now.. I parent him as much as I parent my DD (bio DD, I suppose I have to say).
I'm shocked! So I didn't give birth to him makes him NOT my kid?! That really hurts. I thought this place was supposed to be for step-parents who actually CARE about THEIR children.. But reading most of this a lot of you seem bitter to even HAVE step-kids, or to have to share with their step-moms...
I stepped in when BM wanted NOTHING to do with SS. She'd go months without even calling, letting alone seeing him. She told the judge and mediator she DIDN'T WANT custody OR visitation! (this was 10 years ago... life changes, and we support that)
I just can't believe how nasty a lot of you are, and how you all seem to fit the evil step-mother stereotype quite nicely.
I really feel sad for the children in your lives.
Re: Is your SS/SD YOUR child?
I never held you, but I always loved you.
Baby Squirt- September 2009
Baby Turtle- May 2010
Baby Surprise- August 2011
I think that 95% of these ladies do love their SK's and really do love them as "their own" but I think the word "my child" is a little possessive...You can have the majority of the time of custody, do all of the motherly things, but at the end of the day - this child has a mother. And sadly, even when the mother isnt present or a good role model - the child usually has a loyalty to their parent.
Yes, I have a SD but she has a mother... and I am not it.
I'm too tired and jet lagged to go back and read and figure out what post this came from. But don't you think it's possible that whoever suggested that didn't know all of the details of your situation?
Everyone here--at one time or another at least--is guilty of imprinting the details of their blended family on to someone else's family. We all have our own perceptions and realities, here.
And a suggestion that you're implying ownership doesn't really seem to warrant calling people "evil" and "nasty." But whatever.
As far as your issue, I think you should be sensitive to what you say in front of BM, but say "my kid" as much as you want to everyone else.
I call my SD "my child". BM and I came to that unspoken agreement though. I said it accidentally once, and since then she and I have both referred to SD as "our" child. We try to reinforce the idea to SD that she has one big family that loves her, instead of two sides that fight over her.
But that is my experience and certainly doesn't mean that anyone whose situation is different, who chooses not to call their S-kids "their" kids, doesn't care for those kids...
"Judge not lest ye be judged", right?
I don't see anything wrong with what you said, but I get that everybody has a different situation, and for some people it might strike an odd chord.
You have been a maternal figure to him for much of his life and even though he is not yours biologically I don't take issue with you calling him one of your kids. I'm sure if SO and I get married and have more children together I will at some point refer to them collectively as "our" kids even though his son is not biologically mine and has a great mom.
My dh calls his SS "his Son", "Our Child", "his little man" and Im sure "his kid". Now he doesnt say it to me, he uses "our Child".
However Ds is 5 years old and DH has been his "dad" pretty much since birth. "Sperm Donor" has nothing to do with us and we live in a different country now.
Since I was the one that started this, I will say that if I had known the entire situation I would not have said what I said. And I agree that if you are parenting him 80% of the time for 10 years that he is your child. I will say though that if he is visiting with his Mom and you say that you can't wait to get MY child back it does seem possessive. And we had 100% of the time with my SD from about 13 until 18, her Mom saw her 3 times for less than a week each in those years.
Oh, and I agree with this. Me saying that being possessive over a child has nothing to do with the type of SM I am.
I am just a lurker here, but I had to pipe in on this one. DH has helped raise my children for 8 years now, while their birth father was a complete loser, taking them when it worked for him, never paying a dime in child support, and just being a total jerk. When people ask us how many children we have, the response is "we have 2.". When people ask him how many he has, his response is "I have 2". They are our children, and we are one family.
It takes more than blood to make a child "yours". In our case, our children are ours.
Personally I don't think it's anyone else's damn business to tell you what or how you should address your stepchild. Every blended family situation is different. As long as it's not a belittling title that you've given them, or you're not saying it in a condescending way, I would ignore such comments.
This whole PC thing is just way out of control.
lol you are quite the drama llama aren't you?
I went back and read what you wrote and I got where littlejen was coming from.
If I posted what you wrote it would be creepy. Why? Because SS is not 'my kid' he has an involved and active mother and I am his SM. So my coming in a claiming him would be crossing the line in my opinion.
Also I am not one for 'marking my territory'.
However, with a little more background I think you are a good person and a good SM.
O and BTW you cracked me up when you eluded to the fact that my not 'claiming' my SS makes me bitter or an evil SM. I prefer the terms 'realistic' and 'honest'.
Your reaction seemed a little off the wall to me considering your circumstances are completely different to most on this board.
My kids are my kids. I have been helping my DH raise our kids from my husbands first marriage for almost 7 years, since they were 4 and 5. For the last 4 years the kids have lived with us except for EOW and 2 weeks in the summer, growing progressively less over time. The kids BM moved out of state a year ago, and has not been in contact for 6 months now. My kids need a mom, and it's sad that their BM doesn't want to be it, but I'm more than willing to pick up the slack. The kids chose to call me Mom before their BM ever left, and if they are going to claim me, I'm sure not going to turn them down.
But it is true that everyone's situation is different, if my kids' BM were a good mother and really a part of their lives, things would be different. Although I have to say that there's nothing like a all but non-existant BM telling you that you're nothing but a STEP-mom to really make you go 'oh really?'.