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Adoption
DD talks to BM!
We do not have a relationship with BM because of drugs use. DD was born with drugs in her system and taken from BM. We do have a relationship with all the other family.
DH called BGM so she could talk to DD since she had called me at work asking for us to call later. When DH called DD's BM answered. He looked at me and said it's BM and he called her by name. DD knows the name and wanted to talk to her so DH handed her the phone. I think BM was in shock and they just spoke for a few minutes about DD's B-Day that is coming up.
I hope to built a relationship with her but I do not know how to handle it. To my knowledge she is off drugs right now and has been for several months. At the time she had DD she had been using off and on for 10 pus years. Any ideas?
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Re: DD talks to BM!
It's so unpredictable. Is your child from fostercare? How old is your child?
My first fosterchild had bonded with her parents. I think it would have caused damage for her to have no contact. They are respectful to us and we will likely always remain in contact. They are on drugs but seem fairly normal (don't appear to be severe).
Our second child is 2 now and I've remained in contact and done some visits. I'm about to cut that off. Mom also is on drugs (over 10 yrs too) and she seems damaged from it. She flakes a lot (schedules visits and shows up maybe 50% of the time at most) and I don't want to subject my LO to that disappointment in the future. She is also known to stop contact with some of her other kids, so contact doesn't seem to be a priority for her. Also her whole family has such a bad criminal background, I fear safety sometimes. I don't think it's in my LO's best interest anymore and I'm at the point I want to cut it off.
With the limited info you gave, I think I would likely want to remain in contact by photos and letters.
Given the physical distance between you and them, I think I would consider allowing periodic phone calls, letters/e-mails, and pictures. As long as you monitor everything, I don't think your little one will be negatively affected by her BM. If the BM starts acting erratically and/or saying negative/harmful things, you can always discontinue contact until she's in a better place.
I wish you the best of luck!
DD was in foster care but her grandparents were her foster parents. The SW had issue with them letting BM see DD when she was still using. They had been to court over something that were being reported by the neighbors. We were told in by SW that if they allowed BM to be around DD and they found out that the would take DD and no one would know where is was. So there was issues and probably more than we know about.
DD will be 4 this month so she does not have any kinda of deep conversations with anyone. DD is very smart and out going but I do not think that she made the connections of who BM really was. I have told DD that she was in BM belly when she asks who she is. DD has not seen BM in over 2 years so I do not know how much she remembers.
We send pictures and videos all the time to the birth family and I know BM sees them. We sent a picture for BM in the last pack of pictures that we sent and we sent her a book of picture from the first professional pictures we had taken. DH knew BM as a child and she never as said more than "I will get Mom" when he calls and she answers the phone. I am dying to talk to her but she has never asked to and I do not want to do more harm and goodtrying to talking to her. She does not ask DH about DD which surprises me but I think she probably has a different way of thinking than me. This is the first B-Day she has been clean so I am wondering if she will make contact on DD's B-Day.