Childless not by choice
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I do not want to be here.
After all of the prayers, all of the worry, all of the joy, all of the love... Sofia Hart Castillo was born July 10, 2011 at 6:56AM. 1.05 lbs. 10.5 in. She was perfect. She lived for a few short precious minutes, and for those minutes she was held by her mother and loved. She went to live with God feeling only love, which is all we want our babies to feel.I do not know why, nor do I understand. They do not know why I was bleeding or contracting, or why everything happened. She was absolutely perfect. I had just heard her heartbeat 20 minutes before. A strong 150s. I can still vividly remember every detail of that morning. I was still in the hospital, on magnesium at this point to stop contractions, I got up to use the restroom, laid back in bed, and felt the weirdest feeling. It felt like someone just poped a water balloon inside of my stomach; my water had broken. Everything happened so fast, and I just remember begging and pleading for them to do something. "She is moving!! She is kicking!! Why can't you do anything?!....Give me something to make it stop! I can't stop...something is coming." My wonderful nurse and mother were the only people there. They delivered my baby. She was born. She was so so beautiful, and so perfect. Her little lungs just weren't ready. Two more weeks. I needed TWO more weeks. Today, I would be 23 weeks pregnant with my first and only beautiful baby girl. But, today was my baby's funeral.I have no words to describe how I feel. Those of you who have children can fathom the love a mother has for a child. I never knew I would love anything of anyone so much. I am so thankful for that feeling. I, however, am not thankful for knowing the feeling it is to have your baby taken from you.There is a song, by Natalie Grant, called Held. Please listen to it. There is a part in the beginning that says, "To think that providence would take a child from her mother while she prays, is appalling." Is how I feel at times. I prayed, I begged, that everything would be OK. When it came time, my OK, was not the OK God had in mind.My mind is so foggy and just numb at the moment, I really do not have much more to say. I want to leave you with something for Sofia.One More TimeOne more timeWhen I think of youI always want one more timeTo see you being placed in my armsOne more time To hold you and stare at your beautiful faceOne more timeTo take all the picture I didn't getOne more timeTo look at your tiny perfectly formed bodyOne more timeTo see you cradled into my handsOne more timeTo hold you close to meOne more timeTo touch and smell your delicate skinOne more timeTo have you baptizedOne more timeTo kiss your forehead and tell you goodbyeOne more timeI've come to realize that when it comes to you, I will always wantOne more time.
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Re: I do not want to be here.
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you.
This board is very inactive and is used by those who are infertile and have moved passed the idea of ever having children.
Please join us on the miscarriage/pregnancy loss board. There are several of us who are going through exactly what you have.
Many prayers.
I'm sorry for your loss.