Daydreaming.....

Luckie519

H and I have been having issues for about 10 months.  We have tried just about everything, and it is not getting any better.  I've wanted to leave, but each time I mention it, it turns into him crying and begging me to give him more time.  He is a good dad, don't get me wrong.  I am lucky in that department.

Monday morning at 2am, I wake up to find him tip toeing around the bed, to my night stand to go through my phone.  I have never done anything behind his back or lied, etc.  He had a "texting/phone" relationship with one of our friends. 

I know it seems awful, but lately, but lately I find myself daydreaming about a life not having to worry about him, out on my own and happy.  I know it will not be all rainbows and puppies and I do not envy anyone who has to put up with the negative aspects of getting a divorce / breaking up with their child's father.  I am scared to death, that if I leave, he will use DS as a weapon against me.

DS is my entire world and I don't want to think about a world that doesn't involve seeing him on a daily basis.  I don't want a messy divorce.  Ideally, I would want things to be amicable.  I just am so scared that I would lose everything. 

Any words of wisdom, ladies?  I would like to hear it from ladies who have already gone through it all.  Thanks!

 

 

achase123

Have you considered counseling?

Divorce is tough.  Add kids to the mix and it's even more difficult.  I don't recommend "daydreaming" about it because the reality isn't what you would think.

Try going to court so many times you already lost count and mediation almost as many times just to determine how visitation/custody will be ironed out.

Try not getting CS for over a year and lying in bed at night stressing about how you are going to pay for groceries and hoping that person you wrote a check to doesn't cash it for three more days.

Try jumping back into the dating pool only to find that dating at age 30 with a child is not nearly as much fun as you remember when you were a wild, crazy, sexy single at age 21.

Try having XH's crazy mother call you and blame you for everything going wrong.

If I were you, I would really give it a shot before contemplating divorce.  Being a single mom isn't that bad, but there are some harsh realities that I think you aren't really thinking about. 

And him going through your cell phone, that's weird.  Is it possible that HE has a guilty conscience?

Luckie519

Yes, we have done counseling. 

We have been having problems and trying now for 10 months.  It's not getting any better.  Like I said in my original post, I understand it's not all rainbows and puppy dogs.  I know there are many hardships for single parents and I do not envy you.

I think about the happy parts of it, which is what a daydream is.  I know my daydream is not a reality.  I know there's a good chance of things not ending up the exact way I want them.  I more or less daydream about being happy again and not having to worry about having someone check up on me constantly.

I have considered all of the negative parts and all the potential parts that could go wrong.   I just want to be happy.  I would love for that to be with H, but I just don't think it's possible.  And I hate thinking about the effects of all this on DS. 

I feel guilty about all of this.  I wish I was dealing with this at 29 years old and the thought of having to get back into the dating world, that alone scares me.  But I have to do what I feel is right. I am not happy and eventually, my DS will pick up on it.  I feel like if we stay like this, being unhappy, we are going to end up resenting each other.  I would like to still be friendly.  I have no intentions of trying to make it any worse than it needs to be.

sep123

I am in the midst - just filed this week, but I can see myself in your situation so much.  My STBXH and I were in and out of counseling for 4 years - we have given it everything we've got.  When we separated in March, I went through hell.  The first two months were complete horribleness.  I had extreme anxiety, lost weight, couldn't sleep, etc.  Even though I was the one making the decision.  We have a 5 year old daughter, and most of my worry was the effect on her. 

I am now in the midst of depression as the divorce moves forward...it's sinking me some days, but I have to have faith that I am following what I feel is right in my heart, knowing I've done everything I feel that I can to make it work.  The guilt can be overwhelming.  Counseling is a must!   And a strong support network. 

 I too daydream about being happy and content - but I know that it's far in the future.  I have a lot of work to do.  Being a single mom and eventually dating scares me, but not as much as staying in a relationship that doesn't satisfy me or bring me hope.  I understand too about not wanting to give up any time with your child!  I am figuring out custody with my STBXH right now and it pains me to see how many days I won't see my daughter.  But my promise to myself if to use that time to become a stronger, happier woman, and therefore, a better mom.

Good luck - and feel free to PM is you want to talk more. 

PrettyInPearls23

Nobody wants a messy divorce or wants their children used against them. Unfortunately, it happens. It's just part of the process we all have to go through. If you do decide to leave your H (which it sounds like you're leaning towards...) you'll have to understand and remind yourself that he needs to go through the grieving process of your marriage ending. He'll cry/beg/plead in the beginning -- it's one of the stages. Then he may turn to anger and resentment (i.e. trying to use your son against you). Just stay firm and keep your ground if this is what you really want.

Are your finances shared? If so, try to find a way to start saving money of your own. Try to make copies of any and all financial documents -- mortgage/rent information, bank account statements, W2's, tax returns, paycheck stubs, insurance policies, loan information, etc. For both you AND your H...he may not willingly offer that information in the future. Would you be the one leaving or would you ask your H to move out? If you're leaving, do you have somewhere to go? Do you have a good support system of family and friends who you can lean on during all of this?

Unfortunately, one of the results of a divorce with children is that you will not have your child 100% of the time (if you have an involved father, anyway). In the beginning it's extremely difficult being away from your child. But, after a while, you may find you actually enjoy and look forward to your "me" time when he's with his father. I know I do! It has made me a better mom because I'm able to focus on myself and get refreshed to tackle another 2 weeks of being a single mom (we have an EOW visitation schedule).

It's a long and heart wrenching process, no matter the reason or situation you're coming into divorce from. It has many ups and downs, and it can be emotionally and physically exhausting (especially the single parent part). However, it really does get easier and the end result (at least in my case) has been totally worth it. Don't stay in an unhappy (and what sounds like untrusting) marriage just because it's easier than the alternative. 

Good luck!

Luckie519

Thanks for all the comments.  I do appreciate them very much. 

I know happiness is a not just going to come overnight.  I also know it's not going to be an easy process if I do decide to go through with it.  I do appreciate hearing from women who have gone through it and can give me some insight.