Your thoughts on this?

AggieCouple

I'm currently on unpaid "maternity leave" from WAH, freelancing and my little print biz; it's been over 4 months. Between that and some unexpected large expenses back in the spring, we decided it would be best to nix big summer vacation plans.  We had talked about Grand Canyon, and Legoland so the kids are both really disappointed.

 H and his buddies try to do some sort of GTG once or twice a year.  He copped out of the last two due to work and the flu, so he promised he'd be there this time.  We figured it would be somewhere in Texas within driving distance, as most of the guys are in-state.  He didn't check his personal email for a few days, and the other guys all agreed to a 4 day Vegas trip, and most of them already booked their flights.  

H mentioned it to me casually, and I was a little miffed. I don't mind his leaving me with all three kids for 4 days, or going to Vegas.  What I mind is the fact that we agreed we couldn't afford a family trip this year, and now he wants to blow at least $1k on a trip just for himself.  I told him I didn't mind keeping the kids but the money issue would be up to him, although it'd be great if he maybe suggested a more reasonable trip later in the year.  I *assumed* he'd make the unselfish and practical decision here, but no, last night, he emailed them back saying he was in.  

 WTF.   

But then I feel bad thinking WTF because he has a right to have fun, too, and he did promise the guys;  in fact, he brought it up weeks ago and I was the one who said I thought he could more effort in staying in touch with those guys.  I don't even know how I should feel.  It just put a lot of stress on me last night and I just needed to vent.  

Zenya

That would really piss me off.  If you can't afford a family trip (we can't, either) then you definitely can't afford a guys $1k trip!

EastCoastBride

I don't feel that a "promise" to his buddies transcends financial problem w/ his family.  So... I'm on your side on this one.

And to throw that back at you?  Unfair.  You made that statement about staying in touch not knowing that it meant a $1k + trip to VEGAS. 

his buddies planned a trip w/o his input.  He can say "sorry, dudes.  If it were in TX, I could join you.  But I can't swing Vegas.".

I'd be pissed. 

 

jettagurl

I'd be more than miffed, actually.  Family comes first, IMO.  I needs to man up and just let them know he can't afford that type of trip, it wasn't what he expected when he said he'd go.  If he friends don't understand, or 'get it', then too bad. 

 

Rebekah1021

EastCoastBride:

I don't feel that a "promise" to his buddies transcends financial problem w/ his family.  So... I'm on your side on this one.

And to throw that back at you?  Unfair.  You made that statement about staying in touch not knowing that it meant a $1k + trip to VEGAS. 

his buddies planned a trip w/o his input.  He can say "sorry, dudes.  If it were in TX, I could join you.  But I can't swing Vegas.".

I'd be pissed. 

 

This.  

Littlejen22

Family trip (especially since you already talked to the kids) comes before a guys trip, he is nuts.

Ciarrai

I'd be completely pissed. Seriously. This is one of those things that I just can't stand. Like you said, it's not the "guy time" or even time away from the kids. You can't afford this trip. If you could, you'd take the kids and go on the family vacation you talked about and you probably still couldn't afford it. This is just wrong.

AnnapolisLari

Uh, yeah. If you can't swing a family trip, he certainly doesn't get a thousand dollar trip to Vegas.

ExpatFamily06

EastCoastBride:

I don't feel that a "promise" to his buddies transcends financial problem w/ his family.  So... I'm on your side on this one.

And to throw that back at you?  Unfair.  You made that statement about staying in touch not knowing that it meant a $1k + trip to VEGAS. 

his buddies planned a trip w/o his input.  He can say "sorry, dudes.  If it were in TX, I could join you.  But I can't swing Vegas.".

I'd be pissed. 

 

AGREED!

rebs

EastCoastBride:

I don't feel that a "promise" to his buddies transcends financial problem w/ his family.  So... I'm on your side on this one.

And to throw that back at you?  Unfair.  You made that statement about staying in touch not knowing that it meant a $1k + trip to VEGAS. 

his buddies planned a trip w/o his input.  He can say "sorry, dudes.  If it were in TX, I could join you.  But I can't swing Vegas.".

I'd be pissed. 

 

This exactly.  Has he booked the trip yet?  If not you need to talk to him pronto.  You will just end up more bitter about this as time goes on.

r9stedt

Ciarrai:

I'd be completely pissed. Seriously. This is one of those things that I just can't stand. Like you said, it's not the "guy time" or even time away from the kids. You can't afford this trip. If you could, you'd take the kids and go on the family vacation you talked about and you probably still couldn't afford it. This is just wrong.

Yep, what she said.

A-baybride

I'm curious about what he would have spent if they did something in Texas (since you were okay with that)?  If he was going to spend several hundred on that anyway, maybe he thought a couple hundred extra to do Vegas wasn't such a big deal, especially considering that he hadn't been able to go the last two times.

I do understand why you're upset with his choice, and I would be mad about his priorities as well, but I can see how he would think, " I told him I didn't mind keeping the kids but the money issue would be up to him" meant you were okay with it if he made it work with your budget.  If you were going to be upset if he chose to go, you should tell him that upfront. It is kind of unfair to say it's up to him when there's really only one choice in your mind. (I do this as well even though I know I shouldn't - I hate having to be the one to say "no" when I think he should have come to that decision on his own... )

summerbrideDC

A-baybride:

I'm curious about what he would have spent if they did something in Texas (since you were okay with that)?  If he was going to spend several hundred on that anyway, maybe he thought a couple hundred extra to do Vegas wasn't such a big deal, especially considering that he hadn't been able to go the last two times.

I do understand why you're upset with his choice, and I would be mad about his priorities as well, but I can see how he would think, " I told him I didn't mind keeping the kids but the money issue would be up to him" meant you were okay with it if he made it work with your budget.  If you were going to be upset if he chose to go, you should tell him that upfront. It is kind of unfair to say it's up to him when there's really only one choice in your mind. (I do this as well even though I know I shouldn't - I hate having to be the one to say "no" when I think he should have come to that decision on his own... )

This.  I totally get why you're upset, but I also wonder how much a vacation for a family of five would cost, versus one guy's trip to Vegas.  I am guessing it would be significantly more expensive in the long run for a family of 5 to vacation.  So, while maybe there isn't 3k for a big family trip, 1k for his trip to Vegas may well be within the budget.  I just don't see the two hypothetical trips as being remotely the same financially.

But, like I said, I get why you're upset about his decision & I'd probably feel the same way. 

Bride2b2004

Zenya:

That would really piss me off.  If you can't afford a family trip (we can't, either) then you definitely can't afford a guys $1k trip!

 This. 

cristiana

A-baybride:

I'm curious about what he would have spent if they did something in Texas (since you were okay with that)?  If he was going to spend several hundred on that anyway, maybe he thought a couple hundred extra to do Vegas wasn't such a big deal, especially considering that he hadn't been able to go the last two times.

I do understand why you're upset with his choice, and I would be mad about his priorities as well, but I can see how he would think, " I told him I didn't mind keeping the kids but the money issue would be up to him" meant you were okay with it if he made it work with your budget.  If you were going to be upset if he chose to go, you should tell him that upfront. It is kind of unfair to say it's up to him when there's really only one choice in your mind. (I do this as well even though I know I shouldn't - I hate having to be the one to say "no" when I think he should have come to that decision on his own... )

Ditto.

happy_momma

Zenya:

That would really piss me off.  If you can't afford a family trip (we can't, either) then you definitely can't afford a guys $1k trip!

 

Ditto this for sure!  And even though $1K wouldn't cover the cost of a big family trip like you had originally talked about, you could still do some sort of family trip with that money if you stick with something that's driving distance.  It would very definitely be a priority to us to do something simple as a family rather than a big trip for just one of us.

AggieCouple

A-baybride:

I'm curious about what he would have spent if they did something in Texas (since you were okay with that)?  If he was going to spend several hundred on that anyway, maybe he thought a couple hundred extra to do Vegas wasn't such a big deal, especially considering that he hadn't been able to go the last two times.

I do understand why you're upset with his choice, and I would be mad about his priorities as well, but I can see how he would think, " I told him I didn't mind keeping the kids but the money issue would be up to him" meant you were okay with it if he made it work with your budget.  If you were going to be upset if he chose to go, you should tell him that upfront. It is kind of unfair to say it's up to him when there's really only one choice in your mind. (I do this as well even though I know I shouldn't - I hate having to be the one to say "no" when I think he should have come to that decision on his own... )

 I know.  This is why I say I don't even know how I should feel.  I'm upset with his priorities but I also feel like I should get over it, and not ruin his fun by harping about the expense.  The money sucks, but it won't break us.  If he was financially irresponsible and did this sort of thing all the time, I wouldn't hesitate to say something, but he totally isn't, and I really do want him to have fun. 

I didn't want to have to tell him no, and I don't want to say it now.  And honestly, if he changed his mind, I'd still feel like cr*p for him.  I was reading his email (it's ok, we do that) and his BFF is all like "ALL RIGHT, I'm so happy you are coming."  They haven't seen each other in almost a year. 

MrsStubbs

I think it crap that he feels it's ok to let his kids down rather than his friends.

 

joseysbride

I think if you had just said, "I don't think you should go because we agreed not to take the kids on the vacation they were looking forward to.  It doesn't seem right to spend the money on this guys trip, which is more expensive than I'd expected."

Instead you said you're leaving it up to him.  Just tell him your thoughts in the beginning so that he can see your perspective.  Maybe he didn't even think of it that way?  Now, if you told him that and he still decided to go, then I'd say he's an ass, too.

tammyz25

um yeah, i would be pissed. he should have never even asked if it was ok to go, he should have known right off the bat that if you can't afford a family trip, OF COURSE you can't afford a $1K trip for JUST HIM to vegas. he needs to be talked to.

jettagurl

In terms of the money amount - if you have $1K to spend on any sort of vacation, but only one, spend it on your FAMILY. Even a long weekend a couple hours away could be done for under $1K.  I just don't think his priorities are in line, regardless of the amount of money. 

 

EastCoastBride

No matter what, a little compromise is in order, IMO.  From your update, doesn't really sound like you can tell him now "not" to go, but I think he gets a STRICT budget.  Dont know if he's a gambler or not, and if he is, how much he usually likes to spend - but I think he needs to tone down on the gambling.  Sure - maybe it won't amount to much, but I think that if he gets this really fun trip while his family gets NO trip, he can give a little bit up.

Stellasmom

I'd be annoyed, except you told him it was up to him. Don't set him up for failure by giving him options that aren't really options.

EdithBouvierBeale

Stellasmom:

I'd be annoyed, except you told him it was up to him. Don't set him up for failure by giving him options that aren't really options.

true- but what a diick to put her in that position- he should have been responsible enough to just say- yeah, dudes, we had to put the kibosh on a family trip this year, so there's no way I can swing a solo trip with the buddies. maybe next time.

While I agree she shouldn't have told him it was cool with her- because it is not- I would like to think that he would have made the right choice, too without being instructed.

I would be furious that he can easier let down his kids and wife than he can let down his friends.

like they're going to enjoy vegas less without him? ha.

vanillacourage

AggieCouple:

I told him I didn't mind keeping the kids but the money issue would be up to him, although it'd be great if he maybe suggested a more reasonable trip later in the year.  I *assumed* he'd make the unselfish and practical decision here, but no, last night, he emailed them back saying he was in.  

 

I would be pissed that he even brought it up as an option.  But, you did leave it up to him rather than say "it is going to be a real problem for our family for you to take this trip, and that makes it a real problem for me".  Don't do the passive-aggressive dance of not wanting to say no, and then be mad at him for not reading your mind.

eclaires

maybe he'll win big in Vegas?  And you can all go on a family trip after that?

All jokes aside, I sort of know what you're feeling.  A few months ago, we had the opportunity to go to the beach for a week for under $500 (gas and rental b/c it's my uncle's house and I just pay the cleaning fee).  I thought we should do it, MH thought we shouldn't b/c we had some unexpected expenses that month and were already "over" budget for that month. I thought it was worth it to spend the minimal amount of money and go, he didn't.  The next week, he got the opportunity to go on a fishing weekend for basically the same amount of money and it would just be him (obviously).  He ended up not going, which I'm glad about, but initially he was going to go and I was pissed.  So really, no advice - just commiseration.  I think it's hard when you're dealing with budgets and balancing commitments to friends and your family.

JennJim2006

Zenya:

That would really piss me off.  If you can't afford a family trip (we can't, either) then you definitely can't afford a guys $1k trip!

THIS! I would be very annoyed. 

Jodi&Joe

I would be annoyed - but I would have no right to be. 

MaxandRuby

Promises can always be broken....especially for financial reasons.

Ultimately - if you cannot afford a family vacation (and it was mutually agreed on) then you cannot afford him to go to Vegas with the guys for any length of time. 

It is what is called being financially responsible. One doesn't get a treat when it was already agreed on that the entire family unit cannot afford a treat.

UGAbride

We kinda had the same situation happen here, and I left it up to him to figure out how to make it all work without jilting the family out of our vacation.  He wanted to go golfing with some friends, and it meant taking 2 days off of work (he's a consultant and paid for the hours he works, and does not have an official vacation allotment).  We already take a weeklong beach vacation with my parents, so he had planned to take that week off, and then we had been seriously talking about taking the kids to Disney in the fall.  Well after his trip came up, he was starting to make noise about not wanting to take time off to take our Disney trip...and I just felt like it wasn't cool for him to basically sacrifice the time off for Disney in order for him to go golfing with his buddies.  I suggested he either come home early/meet us later at the beach vacation, or work some overtime in order to be able to also take off for Disney.  He understood when I put it that way, that he was willing to take 2 days for golf, but not for taking the kids to Disney. 

Doesn't help that I definitely will not have the "freedom" to take a girls vacation for a long time since I'm nursing, so I'm feeling a little trapped  

jamie.renee

jettagurl:

In terms of the money amount - if you have $1K to spend on any sort of vacation, but only one, spend it on your FAMILY. Even a long weekend a couple hours away could be done for under $1K.  I just don't think his priorities are in line, regardless of the amount of money. 

 

This is my thought exactly.  I would rather put that money towards a mini vacation everyone can enjoy.  Like you, I have no issues having time with just the kids etc, but it isn't right for him to go on a vacation while the kids are left out when they were told previously they would take a vacation.   

belle204

I haven't read the replies but I' think being upset is justified unless he's paying for it out of "his" money. Even if he is paying for it out of his money I would be a bit upset he picked a big trip with friends over family. Sorry, Aggie.

Angela814

MrsStubbs:

I think it crap that he feels it's ok to let his kids down rather than his friends.

 

This is a great summary of how I feel. I would be very upset, and most of that is because I always seem to put our family first, and DH seems to often choose his friends over us.

Angela814

UGAbride:

Doesn't help that I definitely will not have the "freedom" to take a girls vacation for a long time since I'm nursing, so I'm feeling a little trapped  

This too. DH keeps telling me I can always take a girls trip, but it's not so feasible while still nursing for the unforeseeable future.