Washington Babies

is this tacky?

Is it tacky to throw yourself a shower if you're adopting a baby?  I still feel like it is, and it makes me nervous to go in case the adoption falls through.  I feel terrible for feeling this way because it's one of my dear friends (but I'll still go).  Thoughts?
Image and video hosting by TinyPic Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

Re: is this tacky?

  • I might be in the minority, but I just don't find myself thinking about what is or isn't tacky.  Every baby should be celebrated.  I don't see it any different than a pregnant mother who is prone to losing pregnancies, she still deserves a shower.  If it were one of my dear friends and no one was throwing her shower, I would do it for her. 
    Love: 8/2000 | Marriage: 7/2005 | Baby makes three: 3/28/2007 | And one more makes...SIX?
    image
    Steal my kids picture or pretend they are yours, I will find where you live and ship all of their dirty diapers to your doorstep. Promise. image
    image
  • imageMrsAmyB:
    I might be in the minority, but I just don't find myself thinking about what is or isn't tacky.  Every baby should be celebrated.  I don't see it any different than a pregnant mother who is prone to losing pregnancies, she still deserves a shower.  If it were one of my dear friends and no one was throwing her shower, I would do it for her. 
    All of the above. Has she had failed matches before? (sorry if i'm using the wrong term)
    Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers
  • Loading the player...
  • imageMrsAmyB:
    I might be in the minority, but I just don't find myself thinking about what is or isn't tacky.  Every baby should be celebrated.  I don't see it any different than a pregnant mother who is prone to losing pregnancies, she still deserves a shower.  If it were one of my dear friends and no one was throwing her shower, I would do it for her. 

     

    I agree with Amy. I had a baby shower for Kai and her was born only 1.5 years after Eli and wa the same sex. I think every single baby derserves to be celebrated and showered with new gifts.

    Dawn - Wife of Brian 09/25/2005 - Mother of Eli Jace 03/12/2007 and Kai Evan 10/17/08

    image
  • A friend of our recently started the foster to adopt process with a toddler, and our friends threw her a shower.  I had to miss it, but it was very well attended because everybody was just so dang excited for her.

    Jen - Mom to Jillian (10/2008) and Hayden (4/2010)

    My Blog

    image

  • I feel like it may even be more of a reason to throw a shower. Adoption is a lot more expensive than giving birth and can take years instead of 9 months to actually have a baby in your arms! I have a friend who has been in the adoption process for 3 years now and is #1 on the waiting list for her little girl and she says it's been a lot more stressful than being pregnant for 9 months with her previous children! If anything it will just be a fun way to celebrate the new child with the family and help get everyone excited! :)
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Please don't take my comments to be snarky - I'm trying to understand and I know what a generally sweet person you are.

    Help me understand why you say you're nervous to go?  Would a better way to state what your'e feeling be that you're just nervous for her in general?  The way that could be read is that you're nervous to go because you wouldn't want to waste time, effort or a gift on a baby that might not become part of that family.

    I think every baby should be celebrated with a shower.  Perhaps a second shower might be smaller if you have your babies close together (like me), but they should still be celebrated.  And certainly if this mother is a first time mother, she'll need all the baby gear just like any other first time mom.  The only difference this mom is going through is that she won't have the fantastic c-section scar or vag recovery like a bio mom.  Other than that, she's just like any other first time mom.  Nervous, scared, excited and about to have her world completely rocked.

    And, *anything* can happen at the last minute, whether the mother is carrying the baby herself or adopting or using a surogate.  Nothing in life is certain, except for death.  Nothing.  Thank GOD we live in a day in age when it's rare to have complications and infant/mother mortality rates are SO much lower than they were even 50 years ago, but bad things do happen....so no one is safe until the baby is here.  And then we get to start with the worrying about what diseases they might contract, who might steal them, hurt them, what social hurts they'll have, if they'll walk on time, talk on time, you name it....

    So, would you be nervous if she was having the baby herself?  I am guessing you wouldn't - so that's the way I'd look at it.

    Congratulations to your friend - adoption is such a TOUGH TOUGH road to go down - it's fantastic her baby is finally almost here!

    As for tacky? I throw my own birthday parties.  So no, I don't think it's tacky.  I think it's terrible none of her friends or family stepped to the plate to plan a party for her.

  • Isn't the issue that she's throwing her OWN shower?    Not that it's an adoption?   I think it is tacky to throw your own shower, but I wouldn't boycott it because of that, and I wouldn't not go because an adoption can fall through.  It's no different than a pregnancy that could be lost.  Nothing is ever 100% so I wouldn't consider that aspect.  

    So yes an adopted baby is worthy of a shower.   But yes it is tacky to throw your OWN shower.  But it's also sad that none of her friends stepped up to throw one for her.  I would go no matter what.  Give a nice gift.  Have fun. 

    image
  • I think throwing one's own shower is tacky, but it has nothing to do with the child's origin.  Like others have said, there is always a possibility of tragedy, being it a last-minute failed match or a medical issue.  If you would be going to her shower if it was a biological child, you shouldn't hesitate to go to this one.

    I'm not saying this in a judgemental way, but i think you need to hear it.  What you've said is discriminatory and is one example of the many ways that society discriminates against adopted children and families.  Please, for the sake of your friends (and others you may know who adopt, or consider it) where your feelings are coming from and why you think this way about adoption when you'd think differently about a pregnancy in the same situation. 

    Boy 10.6.13
    Labored at freestanding birth center using hypnobirthing techniques
    Delivered via csection
  • imageSeattle_JiLLn:

    Isn't the issue that she's throwing her OWN shower?    Not that it's an adoption?   I think it is tacky to throw your own shower, but I wouldn't boycott it because of that, and I wouldn't not go because an adoption can fall through.  It's no different than a pregnancy that could be lost.  Nothing is ever 100% so I wouldn't consider that aspect.  

    So yes an adopted baby is worthy of a shower.   But yes it is tacky to throw your OWN shower.  But it's also sad that none of her friends stepped up to throw one for her.  I would go no matter what.  Give a nice gift.  Have fun. 

    I agree with Jill.  Sure it's tacky but it wouldn't prevent me from going. If it's a friend I will want to support her in any way possible. 

    Then again I am also on the every baby deserves a shower bandwagon.  I think it's silly when people get all weird about going to another shower.  Yes more than likely the mom has everything she needs for baby #2 but that doesn't mean the  baby and her don't need to be celebrated! 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers
  • imagekristalovesjared:
    I feel like it may even be more of a reason to throw a shower. Adoption is a lot more expensive than giving birth and can take years instead of 9 months to actually have a baby in your arms! I have a friend who has been in the adoption process for 3 years now and is #1 on the waiting list for her little girl and she says it's been a lot more stressful than being pregnant for 9 months with her previous children! If anything it will just be a fun way to celebrate the new child with the family and help get everyone excited! :)
    Yes, and regarding the stress -- while pregnancy is full of its own stresses, they are ones that so many others have also experienced, whereas with adoption, fewer people have done it, and even fewer talk about the details of the experience, so the stress of it is magnified by the unfamiliarity of the process (and how many people are involved).

    (I also wanted to note for people thinking about adoption but hesitant b/c of the timeline that adoption takes *much* longer when the parents are open to only one sex, since it still requires a good match between adoptive and biological families and a child of the chosen sex.)

    Boy 10.6.13
    Labored at freestanding birth center using hypnobirthing techniques
    Delivered via csection
  • I think it is a bit "Tacky" to throw your own shower but I would still go to it. Like many of the PP I question why none of her friends offored to throw her a shower.

     

     

    Lilypie First Birthday tickers Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers image
  • Taking the adoption factor out - yes, it's tacky.  But I agree with the other gals that it's sad that one wasn't planned for her.  :(  Can you maybe help her so she's not the only one hosting it?  Rally some of her other good friends to do the same?  She might be the type who wants to plan everything, but I'm betting even just the offer to help throw the shower too would be really welcomed and make her feel like just any other mommy-to-be waiting for her baby to arrive.  :)
    -Deborah
    image

    image
  • As someone who is adopted, I won't lie: this post makes me sad. Did no one offer to throw her a shower because of the adoption and not being sure of when the baby will come? Because like PPs said, you can't even be sure that everything will go perfectly with a baby you're pregnant with, either.

    When I was working at The Times, two of my friends in my department were expecting: One was pregnant and the other was adopting from China, and she and her husband had been trying for more than three years. It was horrible for them. So heartwrenching. They'd think it was about to happen, and then it wouldn't. All of the paperwork, fingerprinting, etc. they had to do expired so they had to pay the cost a second time. They finally got a placement and me and two others decided to throw a joint shower for her and our pregnant co-worker.

    Horribly, the placement fell through because the baby did not meet the physical requirements (she was too weak/sickly) to be sent out of China. My friend was heartbroken and said that we didn't have to include her in the shower since she wasn't going to be a mother just yet. We said oh no you don't -- you will be getting a baby SOON, and you ARE a mother already. You don't have to physically have a baby in your arms to be a mother.

    Lo and behold, they got another placement in the three months between that and when we threw the shower, and now they have a wonderful little girl who will be four this winter. I couldn't imagine having cut her out of the shower just because of the uncertainty of the adoption -- every child deserves to be celebrated!

    Lilypie First Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
  • I totally agree that this (and every) baby should be celebrated - I have no problem at all with showers for people whether they're having their first or fourth child.  It's more that she has quite a lot of friends and family in the area, and I was surprised that no one else (including her sister or best friend) is throwing the shower for her.  When she called me yesterday to ask if I was going, it was the first I'd heard of it, and when I asked if she wanted help, she said she had it all covered.  However, there are a lot of signs that are showing that this adoption might end up not going through, and we've had a number of conversations about it.  I just worry for her and her husband, even though I am excited that there is finally the possibility of them having a child after trying and waiting for so long.

    I am still definitely planning on attending and supporting my friend.  I hope I don't sound like an uncaring person. 

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Argh, looking over my OP I can see how I came across as thoughtless.  I should not post so late at night.  I am so so sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings on here.  More clarification: There are a number of odd factors with this particular adoption that are too long to explain, and I have drifted from this friend a fair amount in the past few years.  I did ask her a while back if she wanted a shower (when the adoption sounded much more solid than it does now) and to let me know if no one else was throwing her one, and then yesterday was the first I'd heard of it.  We don't have any mutual friends, and I am really surprised that her closer friends/family didn't step up to do it.  I was mostly just wondering if it was more or less tacky to throw your own shower in any situation, although I realize it really doesn't change whether or not I would go.  I am really, really hoping that this works out for her.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • imagedoublem:
    Argh, looking over my OP I can see how I came across as thoughtless.  I should not post so late at night.  I am so so sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings on here.  More clarification: There are a number of odd factors with this particular adoption that are too long to explain, and I have drifted from this friend a fair amount in the past few years.  I did ask her a while back if she wanted a shower (when the adoption sounded much more solid than it does now) and to let me know if no one else was throwing her one, and then yesterday was the first I'd heard of it.  We don't have any mutual friends, and I am really surprised that her closer friends/family didn't step up to do it.  I was mostly just wondering if it was more or less tacky to throw your own shower in any situation, although I realize it really doesn't change whether or not I would go.  I am really, really hoping that this works out for her.

    I get what you're saying, but honestly I would throw my own shower before I would ever call a friend and ask her to do it for me.  That would be more embarrassing than throwing a party to celebrate the baby that would hopefully be coming into my life.  

    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • imageAlli923:

    I get what you're saying, but honestly I would throw my own shower before I would ever call a friend and ask her to do it for me.  That would be more embarrassing than throwing a party to celebrate the baby that would hopefully be coming into my life.  

    I'm with C on this one - I would rather not have a party than ask someone to do it for me.

    And....I'm just brazen that way - I'm willing to celebrate myself, in certain circumstances, and throw my own darn party.

  • This isn't really an answer to your original question but just a thought.  If you are nervous about the adoption not going through you could get her a gender-neutral gift so she could use it for this baby or for when she does get a baby.  
    DD #1 Eva- April 2011
    DD #2 Violet- October 2013
    DD#3 Due New Year's Eve 2016


  • imagekaswanson:
    This isn't really an answer to your original question but just a thought.  If you are nervous about the adoption not going through you could get her a gender-neutral gift so she could use it for this baby or for when she does get a baby.  

    That's a really good idea.  I do have a special gift for her that isn't gender-neutral, but maybe I'll get her something extra that is.

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I didn't think you were thoughtless, just naive.  I hope that things smooth out for them... maybe they just need a happy thing to look forward to in the midst of a bunch of adoption-related challenges...
    Boy 10.6.13
    Labored at freestanding birth center using hypnobirthing techniques
    Delivered via csection
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"