He's pushing me to the edge

QS82

I don't know what is going on with him, but XH is really pisssing me off. In the last 2 months I've caught him in lies and he's been late almost every time he's supposed to pick up M. He's always been self-centered, but this is taking it to a new level.

Six weeks ago, despite the fact that we'd talked and texted throughout the day, he didn't bother telling me that his parents took M for an overnight and wouldn't be in daycare. I found out when daycare called to tell me not to bring in breakfast the next day because she had some left from the day before. When I asked why she didn't eat it that day, I was told that she didn't come in. WTF?!?!?! How can I not know where my own child is?!!?! I chewed his asss out and he apologized and said it wouldn't happen again.

Not even two weeks later, he lied to me about where he had taken M over the weekend. He took her to his girlfriend's house to meet her teenage daughters. That's not what pisssed me off though- I was mad that he told me they hung around his apartment all weekend.

Over the weekend of the 4th, I took M out of town with me. XH asked me to have her back by 6 on the 4th so he could spend some time with her. No problem. I texted him at 2pm and said we were making such good time driving home that we'd be there by 5. No response. 6pm came and went without a phone call. M kept asking "where's my daddy?" Finally I texted him at 6:25 to ask where the hell he was and he said he was 15 minutes away. Well, he didn't arrive until 7:10! His girlfriend pulled in behind him and he finally confessed that he hadn't been 10 minutes away. Yeah, no sh!t Sherlock.

His parents spend every Wednesday with M. Last week, I get home and notice their car isn't in front of his apt (he lives 4 doors down from me), but I did see a car that looked like his girlfriend's. I texted him and asked if his parents picked M up and he confessed that his girlfriend did. Once again, we'd been texting and emailing back and forth that day! I was so fvcking pisssed that I told him if the lying and non-communication about M continues, I'll get lawyers involved.

We've been doing so well without lawyers. Everything has been mediated between us. I've been totally flexible and agreeable about everyfvckingthing. My friends have even commended me on being so amicable. But he is totally taking advantage of the situation and it's really fvcking pushing me to the edge. Is it wrong that I feel I should know where my child is and with whom???

Just one more reminder why this divorce was the best idea ever!

achase123

I didn't read every word (sorry got kind of long) but I DID read where you said you're doing things without lawyers and your friends commend you for being so amicable.  Sounds to me like he's walking all over you.  Get clear times hammered out in the paperwork and if he's late (more than 10-15) he loses the visit.  Period.  Also, document every instance where he doesn't show up, or DD isn't where or with whom he says she will be with.

IMO, you're being too nice.

QS82

achase123:

I didn't read every word (sorry got kind of long) but I DID read where you said you're doing things without lawyers and your friends commend you for being so amicable.  Sounds to me like he's walking all over you.  Get clear times hammered out in the paperwork and if he's late (more than 10-15) he loses the visit.  Period.  Also, document every instance where he doesn't show up, or DD isn't where or with whom he says she will be with.

IMO, you're being too nice.

That's the thing: I can't afford for him to lose the visit. I'm working and going to school and still trying to keep up the house we own. I need the help- I'm already keeping it together by a thread. And I don't have the $$$ for lawyers either, which is why we've been doing it this way. While I made the "threat" I don't even know if I could go through with it for those reasons.

achase123

QS82:

achase123:

I didn't read every word (sorry got kind of long) but I DID read where you said you're doing things without lawyers and your friends commend you for being so amicable.  Sounds to me like he's walking all over you.  Get clear times hammered out in the paperwork and if he's late (more than 10-15) he loses the visit.  Period.  Also, document every instance where he doesn't show up, or DD isn't where or with whom he says she will be with.

IMO, you're being too nice.

That's the thing: I can't afford for him to lose the visit. I'm working and going to school and still trying to keep up the house we own. I need the help- I'm already keeping it together by a thread. And I don't have the $$$ for lawyers either, which is why we've been doing it this way. While I made the "threat" I don't even know if I could go through with it for those reasons.

Do you have any other back-up alternatives for watching DD if he doesn't show (family, friends, etc.).  Does he pay CS?  If not, you definitely need to get that lined up.

I think that your peace of mind is worth something.  I understand because I lived a similar, crazy life until I finally put my foot down with XH.  He stopped paying CS when I went through the DCSS but you know what, it was worth it not to have that hanging over my head.  He would threaten with that, say that he wouldn't pay me if I didn't show him respect, wouldn't show up on time (or at all) for visits, etc.  It was too much for me and I finally just started enforcing the rules.  He balked them at first but he learned to respect them. 

sweetie0228

QS82:

I don't know what is going on with him, but XH is really pisssing me off. In the last 2 months I've caught him in lies and he's been late almost every time he's supposed to pick up M. He's always been self-centered, but this is taking it to a new level.

Six weeks ago, despite the fact that we'd talked and texted throughout the day, he didn't bother telling me that his parents took M for an overnight and wouldn't be in daycare. I found out when daycare called to tell me not to bring in breakfast the next day because she had some left from the day before. When I asked why she didn't eat it that day, I was told that she didn't come in. WTF?!?!?! How can I not know where my own child is?!!?! I chewed his asss out and he apologized and said it wouldn't happen again.

Not your business.  He doesn't have to get your approval to what he does during his parenting time.  You confer with him everytime you decide it's okay for LO to spend time or an overnight with your parents or friends?  Remember if you want this two way street you really have to want it.  IF he has to account for every minute of his parenting time with her you will have to account to him about yours.  YES a judge will decide that is fair.  The only thing he could have mentioned is she wouldn't be a daycare but if it's during his time and he was dropping and picking up ...then nope not something he needs to disclose to you.

Not even two weeks later, he lied to me about where he had taken M over the weekend. He took her to his girlfriend's house to meet her teenage daughters. That's not what pisssed me off though- I was mad that he told me they hung around his apartment all weekend.

You have set up that he needs to account to you what he can and cannot do during his parenting time.  Until you are equally accountable to him with what you are doing with your parenting time, he will probably continue to lie about his whereabouts.

 

Over the weekend of the 4th, I took M out of town with me. XH asked me to have her back by 6 on the 4th so he could spend some time with her. No problem. I texted him at 2pm and said we were making such good time driving home that we'd be there by 5. No response. 6pm came and went without a phone call. M kept asking "where's my daddy?" Finally I texted him at 6:25 to ask where the hell he was and he said he was 15 minutes away. Well, he didn't arrive until 7:10! His girlfriend pulled in behind him and he finally confessed that he hadn't been 10 minutes away. Yeah, no sh!t Sherlock.

Unacceptable, 15 minutes if he's later than that with out him rearranging say a call he's stuck behind a car accident and they have rerouted through antartica, it's a missed visitation. You document this on a calendar and transcribe any communication or the lack of communication.

His parents spend every Wednesday with M. Last week, I get home and notice their car isn't in front of his apt (he lives 4 doors down from me), but I did see a car that looked like his girlfriend's. I texted him and asked if his parents picked M up and he confessed that his girlfriend did. Once again, we'd been texting and emailing back and forth that day! I was so fvcking pisssed that I told him if the lying and non-communication about M continues, I'll get lawyers involved.

STALKER!  You look like the crazy bitter ex here.  Unless you want to get his approval for everything you need to back the EFF back down.

We've been doing so well without lawyers. Everything has been mediated between us. I've been totally flexible and agreeable about everyfvckingthing. My friends have even commended me on being so amicable. But he is totally taking advantage of the situation and it's really fvcking pushing me to the edge. Is it wrong that I feel I should know where my child is and with whom???

You are coming across as a control freak.  Are you truly giving him the run down of who his child is with and where his child is everyday? You are not being flexible and agreeable about everything you are being passive agresssive and controling.  You want him to behave the way you want him to behave, there's a reason your getting divorced...because he doesn't behave the way you want him to behave...it's not going to change just b/c you're not in a relationship with him.  You can't reason w/ crazy and you can't expect rational behavior from irrational people.  You come off as the crazy irrational person each time you do.

Get the lawyers involved and get a CO agreement of parenting time.  But not as a threat for control but as a gift to yourself and to him to have a clear and fair agreement you both can point to and have clear guidelines and expectations.

Just one more reminder why this divorce was the best idea ever!

QS82

achase123:

QS82:

achase123:

I didn't read every word (sorry got kind of long) but I DID read where you said you're doing things without lawyers and your friends commend you for being so amicable.  Sounds to me like he's walking all over you.  Get clear times hammered out in the paperwork and if he's late (more than 10-15) he loses the visit.  Period.  Also, document every instance where he doesn't show up, or DD isn't where or with whom he says she will be with.

IMO, you're being too nice.

That's the thing: I can't afford for him to lose the visit. I'm working and going to school and still trying to keep up the house we own. I need the help- I'm already keeping it together by a thread. And I don't have the $$$ for lawyers either, which is why we've been doing it this way. While I made the "threat" I don't even know if I could go through with it for those reasons.

Do you have any other back-up alternatives for watching DD if he doesn't show (family, friends, etc.).  Does he pay CS?  If not, you definitely need to get that lined up.

I think that your peace of mind is worth something.  I understand because I lived a similar, crazy life until I finally put my foot down with XH.  He stopped paying CS when I went through the DCSS but you know what, it was worth it not to have that hanging over my head.  He would threaten with that, say that he wouldn't pay me if I didn't show him respect, wouldn't show up on time (or at all) for visits, etc.  It was too much for me and I finally just started enforcing the rules.  He balked them at first but he learned to respect them. 

We have a 50/50 custody agreement, so we don't have CS. I have no family within 4 hours of me, and I've got 2 friends left from the "divorce divide." I've been calling favors of those friends in emergencies only. After that first incident 6 weeks ago, I've been putting my foot down more and more. I know some ladies on here have really contentious divorces, but that hasn't been my experience. We have been committed to keeping things civil and smooth. On the other hand, it doesn't mean that I can and will put up with his crap. I'm just so frustrated. I feel trapped in a no-win situation.

 

sweetie0228

QS82:

achase123:

QS82:

achase123:

I didn't read every word (sorry got kind of long) but I DID read where you said you're doing things without lawyers and your friends commend you for being so amicable.  Sounds to me like he's walking all over you.  Get clear times hammered out in the paperwork and if he's late (more than 10-15) he loses the visit.  Period.  Also, document every instance where he doesn't show up, or DD isn't where or with whom he says she will be with.

IMO, you're being too nice.

That's the thing: I can't afford for him to lose the visit. I'm working and going to school and still trying to keep up the house we own. I need the help- I'm already keeping it together by a thread. And I don't have the $$$ for lawyers either, which is why we've been doing it this way. While I made the "threat" I don't even know if I could go through with it for those reasons.

Do you have any other back-up alternatives for watching DD if he doesn't show (family, friends, etc.).  Does he pay CS?  If not, you definitely need to get that lined up.

I think that your peace of mind is worth something.  I understand because I lived a similar, crazy life until I finally put my foot down with XH.  He stopped paying CS when I went through the DCSS but you know what, it was worth it not to have that hanging over my head.  He would threaten with that, say that he wouldn't pay me if I didn't show him respect, wouldn't show up on time (or at all) for visits, etc.  It was too much for me and I finally just started enforcing the rules.  He balked them at first but he learned to respect them. 

We have a 50/50 custody agreement, so we don't have CS. I have no family within 4 hours of me, and I've got 2 friends left from the "divorce divide." I've been calling favors of those friends in emergencies only. After that first incident 6 weeks ago, I've been putting my foot down more and more. I know some ladies on here have really contentious divorces, but that hasn't been my experience. We have been committed to keeping things civil and smooth. On the other hand, it doesn't mean that I can and will put up with his crap. I'm just so frustrated. I feel trapped in a no-win situation.

 

Did the state decide this?  Many times, the state will still grant CS b/c of the difference in income between the households.  The idea is the child should have the same benefits as if the incomes were combined. 

 

QS82

sweetie0228:

QS82:

Not your business.  He doesn't have to get your approval to what he does during his parenting time.  You confer with him everytime you decide it's okay for LO to spend time or an overnight with your parents or friends?  Remember if you want this two way street you really have to want it.  IF he has to account for every minute of his parenting time with her you will have to account to him about yours.  YES a judge will decide that is fair.  The only thing he could have mentioned is she wouldn't be a daycare but if it's during his time and he was dropping and picking up ...then nope not something he needs to disclose to you.

You have set up that he needs to account to you what he can and cannot do during his parenting time.  Until you are equally accountable to him with what you are doing with your parenting time, he will probably continue to lie about his whereabouts.

Unacceptable, 15 minutes if he's later than that with out him rearranging say a call he's stuck behind a car accident and they have rerouted through antartica, it's a missed visitation. You document this on a calendar and transcribe any communication or the lack of communication.

STALKER!  You look like the crazy bitter ex here.  Unless you want to get his approval for everything you need to back the EFF back down.

You are coming across as a control freak.  Are you truly giving him the run down of who his child is with and where his child is everyday? You are not being flexible and agreeable about everything you are being passive agresssive and controling.  You want him to behave the way you want him to behave, there's a reason your getting divorced...because he doesn't behave the way you want him to behave...it's not going to change just b/c you're not in a relationship with him.  You can't reason w/ crazy and you can't expect rational behavior from irrational people.  You come off as the crazy irrational person each time you do.

Get the lawyers involved and get a CO agreement of parenting time.  But not as a threat for control but as a gift to yourself and to him to have a clear and fair agreement you both can point to and have clear guidelines and expectations.

Yes, actually, I do account for who my daughter is around while she's with me. He asked for it to be that way from the beginning and I agreed 100%. I hardly think being pisssed about being LIED to is being passive aggressive. I'd also like to know how I'm coming off as "crazy" if I'm catching him in the lie. That doesn't make sense. 

As for the "stalking" comment. Um, no. He lives 4 doors down and it's on-street parking. There's no avoiding seeing whose car is there and whose isn't. How is it stalking if I have to drive down the street to get to my house?

For the rest, I defer to my exchange w/ achase.

QS82

sweetie0228:

QS82:

achase123:

QS82:

achase123:

I didn't read every word (sorry got kind of long) but I DID read where you said you're doing things without lawyers and your friends commend you for being so amicable.  Sounds to me like he's walking all over you.  Get clear times hammered out in the paperwork and if he's late (more than 10-15) he loses the visit.  Period.  Also, document every instance where he doesn't show up, or DD isn't where or with whom he says she will be with.

IMO, you're being too nice.

That's the thing: I can't afford for him to lose the visit. I'm working and going to school and still trying to keep up the house we own. I need the help- I'm already keeping it together by a thread. And I don't have the $$$ for lawyers either, which is why we've been doing it this way. While I made the "threat" I don't even know if I could go through with it for those reasons.

Do you have any other back-up alternatives for watching DD if he doesn't show (family, friends, etc.).  Does he pay CS?  If not, you definitely need to get that lined up.

I think that your peace of mind is worth something.  I understand because I lived a similar, crazy life until I finally put my foot down with XH.  He stopped paying CS when I went through the DCSS but you know what, it was worth it not to have that hanging over my head.  He would threaten with that, say that he wouldn't pay me if I didn't show him respect, wouldn't show up on time (or at all) for visits, etc.  It was too much for me and I finally just started enforcing the rules.  He balked them at first but he learned to respect them. 

We have a 50/50 custody agreement, so we don't have CS. I have no family within 4 hours of me, and I've got 2 friends left from the "divorce divide." I've been calling favors of those friends in emergencies only. After that first incident 6 weeks ago, I've been putting my foot down more and more. I know some ladies on here have really contentious divorces, but that hasn't been my experience. We have been committed to keeping things civil and smooth. On the other hand, it doesn't mean that I can and will put up with his crap. I'm just so frustrated. I feel trapped in a no-win situation.

 

Did the state decide this?  Many times, the state will still grant CS b/c of the difference in income between the households.  The idea is the child should have the same benefits as if the incomes were combined. 

 

Yes. We have the same income. We differ by $200 and it's not enough to make a difference. 

sweetie0228

QS82:

sweetie0228:

QS82:

Not your business.  He doesn't have to get your approval to what he does during his parenting time.  You confer with him everytime you decide it's okay for LO to spend time or an overnight with your parents or friends?  Remember if you want this two way street you really have to want it.  IF he has to account for every minute of his parenting time with her you will have to account to him about yours.  YES a judge will decide that is fair.  The only thing he could have mentioned is she wouldn't be a daycare but if it's during his time and he was dropping and picking up ...then nope not something he needs to disclose to you.

You have set up that he needs to account to you what he can and cannot do during his parenting time.  Until you are equally accountable to him with what you are doing with your parenting time, he will probably continue to lie about his whereabouts.

Unacceptable, 15 minutes if he's later than that with out him rearranging say a call he's stuck behind a car accident and they have rerouted through antartica, it's a missed visitation. You document this on a calendar and transcribe any communication or the lack of communication.

STALKER!  You look like the crazy bitter ex here.  Unless you want to get his approval for everything you need to back the EFF back down.

You are coming across as a control freak.  Are you truly giving him the run down of who his child is with and where his child is everyday? You are not being flexible and agreeable about everything you are being passive agresssive and controling.  You want him to behave the way you want him to behave, there's a reason your getting divorced...because he doesn't behave the way you want him to behave...it's not going to change just b/c you're not in a relationship with him.  You can't reason w/ crazy and you can't expect rational behavior from irrational people.  You come off as the crazy irrational person each time you do.

Get the lawyers involved and get a CO agreement of parenting time.  But not as a threat for control but as a gift to yourself and to him to have a clear and fair agreement you both can point to and have clear guidelines and expectations.

Yes, actually, I do account for who my daughter is around while she's with me. He asked for it to be that way from the beginning and I agreed 100%. I hardly think being pisssed about being LIED to is being passive aggressive. I'd also like to know how I'm coming off as "crazy" if I'm catching him in the lie. That doesn't make sense. 

As for the "stalking" comment. Um, no. He lives 4 doors down and it's on-street parking. There's no avoiding seeing whose car is there and whose isn't. How is it stalking if I have to drive down the street to get to my house?

For the rest, I defer to my exchange w/ achase.

Do it the hard way if you want to, Be all angry and sensitive.  But believe me, from someone who is now way on the otherside of divorce and visitation issues that has had 10 years away from the intial hurt and anger.  You are looking to stay angry.  You are confronting him about everything. 

Really, you tell him every moment of your day every day?  That's going to get old fast.  Do you really want to be that accountable for the next 18 years.  Do you want to be so accountable that you can't sign the permission slip for every school field trip b/c you need to run it by him first?  Can't you decide one day that you would like a boyfriend and private life and that your ex doesn't need to approve who you deem acceptable to come into yours and your child's life.

Get angry at me, You can call me a b!tch who doesn't know you or your life or what you really put up with.  I don't care my efeelings don't get hurt.

But someday when it's quiet and you've calmed down and moved past some of this emotionally fueled issues.  You are going to realize you can't control everything.  And the problems in your relationship that you had are going to continue to this.  If he was a liar and irresponsible before he's going to continue to be that.

I'm telling you that your post came off as an angry control freak, who is looking for things to confront her ex about in order to continue to fight with him.

 

kkenner

That is crazy you don't get cs. I share 50/50 custody with my XH and he pays me. Today he actually tried to fight me once again on it..I definitely put him in his place when I showed he should actually be paying me close to a hundred bucks more a month

achase123

kkenner:

That is crazy you don't get cs. I share 50/50 custody with my XH and he pays me. Today he actually tried to fight me once again on it..I definitely put him in his place when I showed he should actually be paying me close to a hundred bucks more a month

Jennis22

sweetie0228:

I'm telling you that your post came off as an angry control freak, who is looking for things to confront her ex about in order to continue to fight with him.

She just sounded like someone who was pissed that she was being lied to repeatedly. It's not like she said he could or couldn't do anything. 

OP- I have deal with my ex lying about a lot of things related to his time with DS too. I don't even ask him for the information...he offers it up on his own and then I find out later that it's B.S. It's very frustrating and it sounds like you're in the same situation.

Could your ex feel like you'd be pissed if he told you these things ahead of time? Let him know that you'd rather just have him tell you the truth than tell you what you want to hear. You obviously can't dictate what he does but that doesn't mean he should be flat out lying to you. If he doesn't stop it will eventually destroy any civility that is left between the two of you.

 

QS82

Jennis22:

sweetie0228:

I'm telling you that your post came off as an angry control freak, who is looking for things to confront her ex about in order to continue to fight with him.

This assessment couldn't be more off-base. I HATE fighting with him and I'm never looking for a fight. But I'm absolutely going to call him out on a lie. It's not like I doubted him and went looking for confirmation he was lying. Angry control freak are not words anyone could use to describe me. Sorry.

She just sounded like someone who was pissed that she was being lied to repeatedly. It's not like she said he could or couldn't do anything. 

 Thanks! That's exactly what's going on. I never said I had a problem with who my daughter was with- I have a problem with being lied to about it.

OP- I have deal with my ex lying about a lot of things related to his time with DS too. I don't even ask him for the information...he offers it up on his own and then I find out later that it's B.S. It's very frustrating and it sounds like you're in the same situation.

Thanks exactly what's happening. I'm sorry you're going through it too.

Could your ex feel like you'd be pissed if he told you these things ahead of time? Let him know that you'd rather just have him tell you the truth than tell you what you want to hear. You obviously can't dictate what he does but that doesn't mean he should be flat out lying to you. If he doesn't stop it will eventually destroy any civility that is left between the two of you.

We had a long talk about it the other night (after I vented here). I think he gets it now and we're back to being in a good place. He's a great dad- I couldn't pick a better one- but he can be really self-involved. I told him I just want the same from him as he wants from me. I've never gotten upset about his plans or what he does with her when she's with him. But being lied to about these stupid petty things makes me wonder what else he lies to me about. 

Unknown

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BeachBum1223

beccaga16:

I agree that you sound angry. Maybe things are still very fresh for you. I also agree that you should rethink your approach.

It is easier to have a formal agreement, all you have to do is meet with a lawyer, write down the agreement you already have and file it. Find a baby sitter as a back-up, I am not an expert, but childcare (so you can work/go to school) should be paid 50/50 by each parent... so if he misses a visit and you use a sitter he owes you for 50%... I think...

The biggest thing for me is the communication... why are you talking/email all day? Even if it is child related what could be so important that it goes on all day? It seems unhealthy IMO (as an outside observer/reader). When you let go of your anger and the need to be informed of his and your childs every move then YOU will be able to move on. Down the road when you are dating/re-married you will not want to have to check in with your X every single day... and I can bet your new BF would not appreciate that either.

I agree.

lilhotcandie69

Did he push you to the edge cause he won't smoke pot with you?