s/o The Five Love Languages

adamwife

Okay.  I've gotten beaten down time and time again about my relationship with my husband.  Call it what you want, but it works for us.  For those that haven't gotten caught up in the drama - we have a very traditional view of marriage.  We respect each other's opinions, but ultimately he is the leader of our household.  Knock it if you want, but it works for us.

I was thinking last night as I was going to bed, trying to figure out why women have such a hard time with this type of thinking.  Does it make me subservient?  Am I not equal to my husband?

I'm not going to get into the Biblical discussion of submission and love, because that horse was beat months ago by Mod.  What I would like to discuss is why this relationship works for US,

During our premarital counseling we discussed the book The Five Love Languages.  I don't know if you are familiar with it, but basically the author feels that there are five ways we give and receive love - Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Phsyical Touch.  Everyone has a preference for how they choose to give and receive it.

For me and DH:  He receives love through acts of service, I give love through acts of service.  This works for us.  I receive love through quality time and words of affirmation, DH gives love through acts of service and quality time.

When I go out of my way to "baby" my DH, I am conscious of it.  I am not his slave.  I am aware that he really appreciates when I go out of my way to do kind things for him - pack him lunch every day, wake up to make him breakfast, clean up after him.  This is also how I like to show love (not only to him, but to everyone I meet).  I am the friend that will go out of their way to do nice things for my friends.  I amjust trying to let them know I love them.

In return, I know that when DH goes out of his way to stop what he is doing and sit and just talk with me and spend quality time - he is really just trying to express his love for me, because he knows this means a lot to me. 

So, knock our relationship all you want.  Call me a slave or a 50's housewife or whatever you want.  I guess I just wanted to give you something to think about.  Maybe it will help you inyour relationship to think about the ways you and your spouse give and receive love.

I just don't see how me being aware and enjoying what I do makes me less than equal to my husband.  I do everything out of love, even if it means submitting to him.  He in return loves me the same.

Ephesians 5:25

Thoughts?

The_Jen626

I think if it works for you guys, that's all that matters.  Every marriage is different, and as long as you're happy, that's what matters.

pkate98

That is fine with me as long as ya'll are tolerant to other relationship styles.  We work more of a partnership, but he is the main bread-winner.  Just is how things are right now (and I'll never make as much money as he will).

GASuzuki

A friends of mine gave me that book a few years ago. It was very interesting... I say whatever works for you and your husband is really just your business! He's lucky to have found his perfect companion!

As for me and mine, I think I respond to constant nagging and my husband constantly nags, so works for us!

britti<3

I don't see anything wrong with your relationship with your DH. Our household is somewhat similar. I tend to take more of the submissive roll in the relationship, but I'm just that person with anyone. I'm not a slave for him nor is anything demanded of me. Everything I do, I do because I want to.

Different things work for different people. 

mesr

Well said.  Every marriage is different.  What's important is that you love and respect each other.

Emilyd422

I'm a pastor and I recommend this book to many people that I do pre-marital counseling with.  I'm glad that you have found a style that works for you both.  My DH is a acts of service guy and I'm a quality time girl.  It gets frustrating sometimes when he shows he love with acts of service (changing my oil or fixing up things around the house) and sees that as more important than the quality time.  I'd rather go out to dinner and movie with him than him change my oil.  I can pay someone to do that.  But we recognize where we both come from and we take time for both love languages.  We consciously work on.

 Sounds like you do strive to do the same thing.  As for the 1950's marriage model, I understand where you are coming from.  I wouldn't say we follow that model, we try to maintain the 50/50.  But we do wholeheartedly try to be Christian in our marriage. Meaning we serve one another, respect one another, and honor/keep one another.  We made those vows on our wedding day.  Even saying that, I'm the breadwinner in the family, but I don't hang that over his head as though I'm better because I earn the primary income.  It is just where we are right now.  My husband goes to school full time for his elem edu degree and will be the primary caregiver for our baby.  This is mainly because of my work and being on call 24/7 in emergencies.  Everybody is different--you realize that.  I respect you for the way you've worked your marriage. 

 

 

on_the_move

DH and I have a very similar marriage and also read the 5 love languages before our wedding (although I don't remember what we both were)

 I have often noticed that I agree with and admire many of the things you say on here.  That may be because of our similar ideas about marriage.

mrspaul07

The author of that book is the senior associate pastor at my church.  He does a lot of marraige counseling, and if DH and I ever needed it, he would most likely be the first person I would go talk to.

adamwife

mrspaul07:

The author of that book is the senior associate pastor at my church.  He does a lot of marraige counseling, and if DH and I ever needed it, he would most likely be the first person I would go talk to.

What a wonderful resource to have.  I would love to go talk to him just to get some good advice!!!

Emilyd422

mrspaul--what kind of church is it?  I'm just curious.  I don't know much about the author's denominational background.

mrspaul07

It's a southern baptist church.  We have about 6,000 members.  Dr. Chapman is a great person!

Emilyd422

ok, thanks mrs paul!  Big church! 

mrspaul07

No problem!

BellaKelsey

We read the Five Love Languages book in preparation for marriage (though not as part of any pre-marital counseling) and I actually re-read it last year for my book club. I wholeheartedly believe that Dr. Chapmans theories work really well for harmonizing a marriage, a friendship, a partnership at work--any relationship that is important for you.

I am DEFINITELY a words of affirmation person. I need to be told not just that I am loved, but why I am loved. My favorite part of a gift is ALWAYS the card, and I am hurt if appreciation for an act is not shared verbally. My husband sometimes needs gentle reminders that this is important to me, but he generally does a great job of giving me what I need.

 My husband's language is really difficult to figure out--he and I both have given it a lot of thought. I think he's a combination of quality time and acts of service. I figured this out basically by watching how his parents express love to him.

Sorry that was so long... if anyone out there hasn't checked out the book, I highly recommend it!

Annie_1208

I consider myself now as an adult more spiritual than religous, but have read this book while in my teens and currently as an adult.  I have to say it makes ALOT of sense and I have been deeply changed every time I have read it.  I think it's important to consider and has made a lot of sense to think that everyone does not receive love in the same way. 

I think that whatever works for each couple that should be respected by others.  

sparky88

I agree with everything you said (and have read the book). Our marriage sounds similar to yours in that I am aware that I 'baby' my husband and enjoy doing it--not as a slave but out of love. We are actually very 'traditional' and like it that way.  And, once I have this baby in a few months I will be SAH and he will provide financially.  Both are roles that we chose freely, and embrace fully.  What I love about marriage is that you can create whatever kind of life you want together. 

momquixote

I really don't have the answer to your question "am I not equal to my husband?"  If you say that he is the "leader" of your household, is that a title of equality or a word that implies a hierarchy?  What do I know? 

All I can say is that you seem to have a very happy and successful marriage, and although I would not consider my own to be built upon the same ideas as yours, I think it's a testament to love, life, whatever whenever any marriage works -- and works with love.

Mazel tov to you.

 

tinychefjackson

Our household is very similar, adamwife. If someone doesn't respect your happy marriage, that is their problem. ;-)

MrsNorman228

My mother in law gave us that book and I loved it.  I also love to make DH lunch everyday and his coworkers are all jealous of him!  Every marriage is different and as long as it works, you're doing it right!