sister in law is child free not by choice but I am looking for...

October20072010

My sister in law just recently found out their last and final IVF failed after trying 5-7 times.  She is now closing that chapter of her life (as she put it) and trying to move on.  I do have 2 young children and her brothers have children as well.  We obviously don't know how she is feeling or will feel forever.  I know it is hard for her to be around my children.  I am not great with words of wisdom or comfort and therefore do not know what to say.  I listen as that is all I can do.  I know there are no magic words to help her but is there any poem or something written that I could send her to maybe help her and know she isn't the only one out there (which i am sure she realizes).  I know people will say things that they think will help but if you are not that person going through it sometimes it is the wrong thing to say and we don't realize.  Any input would be apprecitated.  I do feel for anyone that has to go through this and I have a hard time to understand why people who would be great parents are not blessed with children. 

TIA

Temp616379875002458

I'm a lurker on this board.

I personally don't know of a poem or something in writing that would help, but I think the best thing that you can do is to write her something from your heart, just letting her know that you are thinking of her. 

There are so many phrases to stay away from, though, that are well intentioned, but really hurt when someone has experienced a loss or cannot get/stay pregnant. Examples:  You'll become a mom, somehow.  You can always adopt.  I know how you feel, etc.  (you get the idea.)

You are very sweet to ask for help and to so carefully consider her feelings.

October20072010

Thanks, I am always afraid to say the wrong thing when I am trying to say the right thing. 

 

 

mrscrgr

saying something is always better than saying nothing.  the worst thing is feeling alone because everyone is too afraid to speak up.  speak from the heart but be careful to avoid the platitudes the previous posters mentioned: (i.e, don't give up hope, adopt, it will happen when you least expect it) and just be genuinely sorry for her loss but hopeful about her future in a childfree life

avaross09

My sister too was going through the same phase. Until her husband took control and went for adoption two years back. Now they look like one of the happiest family, I have seen ever. Try to get her out of this phase, make her feel good about herself. Once she seems calm tell her other options like adoption or surrogacy. My Best wishes for her.

MandyBrownNoser

avaross09:

My sister too was going through the same phase. Until her husband took control and went for adoption two years back. Now they look like one of the happiest family, I have seen ever. Try to get her out of this phase, make her feel good about herself. Once she seems calm tell her other options like adoption or surrogacy. My Best wishes for her.

Not going to lie- I sort of want to punch you in the face. 

XXXXX222

avaross09:

My sister too was going through the same phase. Until her husband took control and went for adoption two years back. Now they look like one of the happiest family, I have seen ever. Try to get her out of this phase, make her feel good about herself. Once she seems calm tell her other options like adoption or surrogacy. My Best wishes for her.

This board is for women or couples that have moved on from the idea of ever having a child, biological or adopted. When I read the OP I got the sense that this is what her sister is faced with. Suggesting adoption on a board of women who have put the idea behind them can be like re-opening a wound. Calling it a "phase" and saying how your brother-in-law "took control" is weird and condescending. 

Bathlove

avaross09:

My sister too was going through the same phase. Until her husband took control and went for adoption two years back. Now they look like one of the happiest family, I have seen ever. Try to get her out of this phase, make her feel good about herself. Once she seems calm tell her other options like adoption or surrogacy. My Best wishes for her.

I don't think she meant to offend anyone on this board. I'm a little surprised at how harshly some people are reacting to this post. The point of it was: comfort her and maybe she can look into other options.

However, I wouldn't recommend telling your sister-in-law about other options like adoption and surrogacy because I'm sure she's already considered alternatives. 

XXXXX222

Bathlove:

avaross09:

My sister too was going through the same phase. Until her husband took control and went for adoption two years back. Now they look like one of the happiest family, I have seen ever. Try to get her out of this phase, make her feel good about herself. Once she seems calm tell her other options like adoption or surrogacy. My Best wishes for her.

I don't think she meant to offend anyone on this board. I'm a little surprised at how harshly some people are reacting to this post. The point of it was: comfort her and maybe she can look into other options.

However, I wouldn't recommend telling your sister-in-law about other options like adoption and surrogacy because I'm sure she's already considered alternatives. 

I don't think anyone thinks she meant to be offensive. If we're discussing this on the child free board, of course we're going to point out how what she said could be hurtful, regardless of intention.