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September 2011 Moms
Moving in together..
So after a little discussion my BF and I decided to move in together. Anyway I'm still searching for apartments as we just decided on Monday, but we will be moving July 31st/August 1st (we both have leases that are up at the end of the month in houses with roommates). So my question is, does any one have any advice/things I should keep in mind when moving in with someone for the first time? Thanks! 
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Re: Moving in together..
Just be patient. You are both going to learn so much more about each other, in both good and bad ways. So just be patient because there will be an adjustment period. At first it will be all blissful and exciting but then the reality hits that they will ALWAYS be around and both of you have annoying habits you never knew about. No matter how much time you spend with someone, you don't really know them 100% until you live with them. So once the honeymoon phase is over just remind yourself of all the good qualities when you feel like you are going to rip his head off after he doesn't refill the toilet paper roll for the 20th time in a row or accidentally shrinks your favorite top.
Very exciting for you guys!!
I moved in with FI after we had been dating for 7 or 8 months. My first little snippet of wisdom is to compromise and to try your damnedest not to raise your voice. In a situation where you're living together, it could definitely be easier said than done. Granted, I was 16 when we started living together and had all kinds of issues.
I also find that it's easier to have one person pay all the bills. I mean, definitely split them all 50/50 or how you plan on doing it, but we've found less confusion if only one of was responsible for getting the checks in the mail.
Really, it all depends on you two. Different things work for different couples. You just have to see what works and what doesn't.
This is huge, good point! You have to be very very clear on what you expect from him and learn what he expects from you. It's very true that if you take on the brunt of the housework and cooking (because you want to prove to him what a perfect little housewife you can be lol) he will get comfortable and it will be a struggle to turn that around. Also, the rules change in regards to considering the other before making plans. Not that yours or his freedom will be taken away but you both need to be conscientious to check with the other before making plans whether it be a girls or guys night out or having friends over to the house.
DH had to learn this one the hard way. I was the first girl he had ever lived with so he didn't really understand how important it was to speak to me before making plans. Not to get "permission", but out of courtesy. Now it is 2nd nature and he would never make plans without talking to me first, and vice versa.
Why yes I do.
1) Make sure the the cost of everything is split as evenly as possible. If that is not possible due to finances, find a way (for the person paying less) to make contributions to the household in other ways. Keeping things on a even foot will lead to less fighting and frustration later on.
2) I am going to sterotype here. Men do not notice the small details the way we do. My DH is a pretty neat man and I have very few complaints about him in terms of keeping up the house. I do have one big though. It involves the sink. He just doesn't notice a messy sink. For example, if he washes his face, there will be tons of splashed water around the sink. All he has to do is wipe up the water, but he doesn't. This drove my crazy when we first moved in together and caused a lot of fights. Finally I realized he just doesn't notice it. Women are more detail oriented. Which brings me to...
3) Let the little things go. You really quickly discover each other's nuances and quirks. You are likely going to find things about each other that piss you off. Make your beliefs known about the big things that should matter and let the rest go.
4) Set ground rules about friends. I wish someone had told me this. As soon as DH and I moved in together, his friends started coming over 24/ 7. We lived within walking distance to most of them when we moved in together, so our cozy (read: tiny) 1 bedroom became a frat house. I had to lay down the law about that. He didn't understand why I would get so upset until I pointed out that this was OUR place and there was no place for me to go to get away from the constant sports talk or loud game-playing while they drank their beers. I said that I didn't mind all the time, but there needed to be some limitations.
That is pretty much all I can think of. Like I said in #3, I am sure I can come up with a huge list but almost everything else is small potatoes.
Good luck!
When DH and I moved in together, we were in our early 20's and we did it to save $$ on rent. We definitely went through an adjustment period...it either makes you or breaks you in my opinion. I am a huge supporter of moving in together BEFORE getting married. Sometimes you can love each other to the moon and back and it still won't work to live together.
Good luck!! Hope your transition goes smoothly and it's fabulous.
Congratulations to you guys! You are a beautiful couple. This is going to be exciting and scary and wonderful. I have to agree with PP's about setting expectations early, and also about embracing the whole thing. It really is so fun to have your favorite person with you during all the little things- laundry, tv, or just coming home.
I will add that it's important to choose your battles. When DH and I moved in together, 2 weeks before our wedding, we had to set ground rules on fighting- nobody is allowed to storm out. We both felt strongly about that. Beyond the things you agree on, parse out what you are willing to stand firm on and what really isn't the best use of your energy. Is it worth it to nitpick every single little thing when 90% of the time he has good intentions? No. Pick what matters and be clear on your feelings. The other stuff? Let it go. Compromise. He will too.
Oops! Double post.
Congrats to you and your BF, Marie! I hope this proves to be a wonderful next chapter for you both.
With that said, I want to agree with just about everything already said, especially:
1.) Split costs (rent, utilities, water, etc.) down the middle from day one. Figure out who will handle the bills and how you'll set it up and then just make sure to stick with it. Resentment/problems can get bigger if they're not dealt with right away.
2.) Set expectations in the beginning. Figure out who will do what housework and stick to it. Same thing as number 1--resentment grows if you don't address things as quickly as they become a problem. And it's much harder to change things after 6 months, 2 years, etc.
3.) Allow each other some space. When DH and I first moved in together, we realized that each night we need a little alone time. This would usually happen around 8pm or so where he would play some video games while I would go on the computer, read a book, call a friend, etc. All of that togetherness is GREAT, but you still need to each have some quiet alone time. There's nothing wrong with that! All healthy relationships have some alone time.
I feel like everything has been covered, but the two that I don't think can be repeated enough are to pick your battles and make sure to communicate. If it bothers you that he leaves his socks in the living room (my DH's bad habit) you have to let him know...but in a funny/nice way. If he's still doing it next week there is no need to fight about it, just make sure he sees you pick them up
Making sure I pick my battles has been the best advice my mom ever gave me before DH and I lived together. It's a little harder pg, but I think it will be even MORE important once LO is here.
As other posters have said, splitting expenses as evenly as possible and having one person pay the bills goes a long way. As long as there are no trust issues with money, I actually recommend a joint checking account for paying bills/buying groceries. Definitely keep your own separate finances since you are not married (and I would say even if you do get married), but the joint account can hold just the money you will use for joint expenses. It has worked really well for DH and I, and we started it when we first moved in together after dating for 6 months.
I also agree you need to set expectations early if you think there will be an issue with defining roles in the household. DH and I still have our bumps in the road because there is no defined person or schedule for cleaning the house so we just end up doing it when one of us gets around to it, but it doesn't create any major arguments (or really any minor ones) so it's not a problem at this point.
Good luck! Living with your SO is a very exciting step and in my opinion very important to determining if someone is right for marriage.
We went through a pretty rough adjustment period when we first moved in together. I think it's because we didn't communicate our expectations in the beginning, which lead to resentment when one of us was not meeting those expectations. Chores and housework has been the biggest source of contention in our relationship.
My advice would be to make sure to have a few conversations right at the beginning about your expectations and how you are going to divide up the housework. Make sure you are both on the same page about which chores you are each responsible for (or if you are going to take turns) and especially how often each thing should be done. I found out early on that DH didn't think the bathroom needed to be cleaned more than once every month or so, while I was expecting it to be cleaned every week.
And, like the others have said, figure out a way to split up the bills so that it's fair. That doesn't necessarily mean you both pay an equal amount, but whatever you two think is fair based on your respective incomes and other expenses. Keeping a joing checking account is a great idea, but make sure to maintain your own account so you have some financial independence. That turned out to be more important to me that I initially thought it would be.
wow! thanks so much for all of the great advice! i'm definitely going to keep all of this in mind. we have so many adjustments all at once with the baby coming a month after we move in, i think picking your battles is going to be the most important for us. especially for me.
*sorry for the lack of capitalization . blame the blackberry.
Here are the things that made moving in easier for us:
1. Talking Finances: we chose to open a joint checking. We came up with an amount that we'd each deposit monthly that would cover bills, groceries, household products, and a little extra. We decided I would be the money person so I paid the bills. We also had monthly money meetings where we talked about budget and how the account was looking.
2. Dividing Household Chores: (or lack thereof) We did have a basic "he handles outside, she handles inside" rule but we made it clear that we'd both help each other. I pulled weeds in the yard and DH scrubbed the shower, stuff like that.
3. Having "ME" Time: Get a hobby, something that is just yours that will get you out of the house and give you some space. Your BF should have something like this too. For me, I took 2 hours of dance class one night a week and DH was in a bowling league on another night. I got to do something fun for myself while at dance class AND I got some quite time home alone while DH was bowling. It's really important to take time for yourself.
4. Spend Time With Friends Alone: This is like ME time. You need time to get out and hang with girlfriends, BF needs time to spend alone with his buddies. It's nothing against you, it gives him a chance to recharge his batteries, we all need this. We each do something like this a couple times a month. Maybe I'll meet a girlfriend for dinner on a Friday night, maybe DH'll spend a Saturday golfing, whatever it is, you each deserve that time.
5. Communication!!: This is the most important. If something is bothering you - talk to him about it. Don't bottle it up. But while you are talking through these things, make sure you truly listen to each other and figure out a way to compromise so that both of you are happy with the outcome.
Be a team and work together and things should be fine! Congrats, enjoy it!
How super exciting!!! I loved living with DH when we were dating. We moved in together about two years after we started dating and it was so nice not to have to split my time between two homes.
Advice: set up expectations early, like immediately. Will you share cleaning responsibilities? Who takes out the trash? What REALLY bothers you? etc.
This will really help in the long run - the little stuff can really start to get to you, and you don't want that happening! (I REALLY wish DH would not leave the bathroom in a post-tornado state after he showered, but now I have to deal with it).
Congrats on moving in together!
The best advice I can give anyone is to keep a sense of humor and try not to sweat the small stuff. Easier said than done sometimes. If I get irritated by something, I usually go to my seperate corner to see if when I cool down, it still feels like something I want to bring up. If it is, then I'll calmly talk to DH. I've found that 80% of the time, what fired me up doesn't feel like something I need to bring up once I cool down.