Poll: Did/do you fear your parents? What is your relationship like?

AvaLikeLava

Based on a conversation I had at work today with a colleague...

Did you grow up fearing your parents? Either way, in your teens, what was your relationship like? What is your relationship like today?

 

I never feared my mom, but there was an element of fear associated with my dad. I respect them both. More so today, than in my teens. I appreciated my mother more at that time, again because of the type of relationship we had. However, I have a different level of understand/appreciation for my father now.

tiki_t

Oh yeah... I feared my mom. She was the enforcer. And I had two older siblings who kindly demonstrated what will happen if you don't listen to mom. Oh, I listened. I didn't want to get the wooden spoon. She was my parent, not my friend. I couldn't talk to her about anything without living in fear of punishment. I found adult guidance from things like youth groups instead. 

After I was in my 20's, I forged a real friendship with my mom.  I don't choose to raise my kids exactly like my mom but I do believe in nipping stuff in the bud when they happen. Instead of a wooden spoon, kids get sent to their rooms and stuff gets taken away. I also allow my kids to tell me stuff without punishment. 

kittylove

I feared my father, he had "the look" down and used it often. My sister and I both knew growing up if we steped too far out of line we would get hit (more than a spank less than a beating). I think it caused us to rebel more as teens.

My mom was firm, but loving. I think I rebeled more against her than my dad because mouthing off with him got me hit, where as I only was grounded by her. She did slap me once, but I deserved it I was 17 and called her the B word. My relationship with her is great, both love and respect her.

ashleyhuney

Fear my parents?  Like they are going to physically hurt me?  I really don't think I can understand another aspect of fearing my parents.  At any rate, not at all.  My parents were/are pretty classically AP and they didn't "punish" me.  I might have lost privileges that were natural consequences of my negative actions (door was taken off the hinges because I wouldn't clean my room and I lost the privilege of privacy - at 15, ugh)  But I never felt like it was me against them.  They were my guides through my teen years and let me make up my own mind and I rarely did anything on purpose that I knew they would be upset with.  Our relationship has continued pretty much exactly the same into adulthood.

Smuches4u

I have to answer differently for each parent as they divorced when I was 7.

Did I fear my Mother?  Never.  Was I afraid of disappointing her?  Most definately.  I wasn't ever really afraid of my Mom's brand of discipline because it was essentially mutual respect.  But boy was I ever afraid of being a disappointment to her.  Hearing her say that she was disappointed in me or my behavior or my choices in life cut deep.  Our relationship as I've grown older has only grown stronger.  We are best friends (to a degree, some topics are off limits), and respect eachother fully.

Did I fear my Father?  Yes.  He's an addict and a very angry drunk, so to say that his behavior or reaction to any number of things was not predictable is putting it lightly.  I clearly remember the day I decided I couldn't be a part of his life as long as he wasn't working a program to stay clean & sober.  He lost his lid because my brother and I were happily playing a video game upon his return to the house (after flitting out to score, mind you) with a bag of chips. I laugh about how riddiculous it was now, but it was very barbaric how he roared over providing us food to eat and us not showing appreciation for it when he arrived.  Such erractic behavior was and still is frightening.  There isn't much of a relationship now.  If he's sober, it's much easier to speak with him, but there are so many trust issues, I just never quite believe him 100%.  He offered to take a drug test (classic move of his from many many years of repeat offenses), and that's when I knew we'd never have more than a phone call on birthday's and Christmas.

KellyMRocks

Not at all. And I always respected my mom.

dirtbikemom

Smuches4u:

I have to answer differently for each parent as they divorced when I was 7.

Did I fear my Mother?  Never.  Was I afraid of disappointing her?  Most definately.  I wasn't ever really afraid of my Mom's brand of discipline because it was essentially mutual respect.  But boy was I ever afraid of being a disappointment to her.  Hearing her say that she was disappointed in me or my behavior or my choices in life cut deep.  Our relationship as I've grown older has only grown stronger.  We are best friends (to a degree, some topics are off limits), and respect eachother fully.

Ditto!  My mom was always the one who did the disciplining and I could handle that it was the disappointing that was harder for me.  Oh and my mom has "the look" down.  I think I inherited that from her.  She always told me that I could argue with her at home and have my fits there if I didn't like something but not out in public.

My dad no.  He only once raised his hand to me and that was when I was about 4-5 years old.  I took off my sweater and threw it on the ground and flat out refused to pick it up when he ask me to.  My mom said it was the only time she had seen my dad get that angry at me.  

Mrs.K&C

My parents were quite a bit stricter than other parents in the crowd I hung out with (which was a big party crowd from a young age), but i didn't fear them...I did respect them and wanted them to respect me. So while I walked very very close to the line of screwing up, I didn't often cross it - not because I feared being grounded or having things taken away or anything, but because I didn't want to disappoint them or make them think less of me. If I could figure out how they managed to raise me like that, I'd duplicate it in a heartbeat!

Mrs.Wright07

I never feared my Mom.  I worried about disappointing her, but never fear.  We had a great relationship up until she passed away.  She was always someone I could confide in and go to for honest advice.

I always feared my Dad.  He has a short temper and the smallest things did (do) set him off.  I've never felt like I could be 100% honest with him.  It's his way or no way at all.  I don't have any respect for him.  We don't get along (despite the fact that he's currently living in my guest room/Hailey's nursery)

AvaLikeLava

ashleyhuney:

Fear my parents?  Like they are going to physically hurt me?

You know, you ask a fantastic question. I don't know fear of what. Like for example with my dad, I never feared that he would physically hurt me, but his personality was so much more volatile and startling than my moms, that there was a sense of fear there.

My colleague today said that there was a lot of truth to managing your house through fear. It's how she was raised, and it's how she's raising her kids. It just made me wonder what type of relationship people that grew up fearing their parents, and those that didn't end up having. Hence my poll

futrkingsley

One of my favorite parenting books explores this issue in depth. Alfie Cohen... Anyway it rang true for me and I do not want fear inmy house. It can be effective in "ruling your house" but long term it's damaging to the relationship. And it's not what I want in my life or for my kid. But it's how I was raised and I have to work on doing it differently.

mythreesons03

I feared both my parents in different emotional ways. Never in a physical manner. I respected and feared them, especially my Dad. I am a Daddy's girl and I admired my Mom.

altreu

I never feared my parents would hurt me physically. But I was terrified of letting them down or disappointing them in any way. In fact, I was pretty neurotic about it (my issues, not because of them!).

As a teenager I abused a lot of the trust they had in me. I was a party kid, but since I got excellent grades, never broke curfew, etc. they never knew. That said, they were still close with me.

And now? They are both my best friends. There are very few subjects that we can't/don't talk about. I talk to them nearly every day. And when they retire (in a year), they are moving to the Bay area and we are going to live together. It's amazing. I would not change my relationship for the world!  

My.ABC.Life

mythreesons03:

I feared both my parents in different emotional ways. Never in a physical manner. I respected and feared them, especially my Dad. I am a Daddy's girl and I admired my Mom.

I agree with this.  I never had "real/scared" fear of my parents... but I definately feared disappointing them.  I was nervous/scared of my dad's reaction to "bad" things I did... but not afraid that he'd yelled or hit me... just afriad that he would think les of me or be disappointed. 

fricksgirl

I was afraid of disappointing my parents.  Different type of fear.  But they set high expectations.  I kind of think it should be like that.  

However, my brother, who obviously grew up in the same house, not so much.  I am a people-pleaser in general-  my brother, no.  He does what he wants, you like it, fine, you don't like it, eff off.

So very interesting.  Total nature vs. nurture.  Sometimes I think that kind of thing is just intrinsic to who you are. 

I'm all for holding my kids to high standards and having them want to live up to it.  All within their capabilities, of course.  

ladipale

Definitely feared disappointing them. Sometimes, I still do. Sometimes, I still say, "But my parents will be mad and disappointed at me" Just said it back in December when I thought I might not finish my dissertation by the end of the year. Would this ever disappoint them? Nope. But once I became the 'good'/'smart' daughter, I held myself to this impossible standard. It was all self imposed, I know this, but still have the standard for myself. (same way I think I need to be a 'perfect' mother/super mom/wife, etc.)

I have a pretty good relationship with my parents. Closer to my dad than my mom, but now that Ellie is here, I respect them at an even deeper level. Its crazy. Can't believe my mom did this 4 times, and moved across the country when she was pregnant with her 2nd to a place where she knew NOBODY except my dad. And she didn't have internet. And didn't work. Crazy.

mrscerruti2be

I think I had a healthy fear of my father.  He was pretty strict. However, I repected/respect him immensely because of this.  He meant what he said and there was consisitency always.  If he said this would be the consequence, then that was the consequence.  He was never wishy washy. 

I also feared disappointing both parents.

Celyn

i didn't fear my parents.  They were pretty AP like Ashley's and gave me lots of space to explore my own boundaries , negotate, and make my own mi stakes.  We had and still do have a great, loving,  respectful relationship.