Help from people who drive u nuts...is it worth it?

Torri106

Im 33 weeks and i also have a 3yo son. My H primarily works from home but works a good 12+ hours a day. My mom is going to be my main source of help after the babies are born.

Thing is.. she stresses me out and drives me NUTS!

Examples:

She isnt supportive w/ BFing. I told her a few weeks ago i was leaking and she said "well that better stop bc you are NOT spending all day with a boob in these kids mouth like you did w/ Jack." She also told me when Jack was stil BFing after a year that he was going to need therapy!

She's ALWAYS on me about my weight/how i look. I told her i was going to get my haircut next week and she told me i need to go tanning too! Tanning! I told her tanning isnt good for pregnancy and she knows im not a fan of it and she got mad and told me i look pasty and i need to go. WTF? I could on and on about these examples but you get the idea.

I have 2 labs...they are completely fine w/ my son. She makes comments ALL the time about how she HATES them and i need to get rid of them. I told her to stop and that they are not going anywhere, but she brings it up CONSTANTLY.

She never follows my schedule or does what i ask. She would get mad at me if i would call to check on my son when i was at work and ask how much did he ate ( i would pump at work) and how he napped. She would snap at me and say "i didnt time it, torri". One time just a few months ago she watched him for 6 hours and NEVER fed him! She just gave him a bag of chips and he munched on those all day.

Im at a loss. I talk blue in the face about how i feel and she just spins it around on me saying "Everything is all my fault, i dont do anything right"...in turn making me feel bad. Now she plans on basically living with after the babies come...i dont know if i can mentally handle that esp. with pp hormones raging!

So is it worth the "help"?? Thanks for reading if u made it this far!

 

punkin06

if i was desperate, i'd take the help.  it sounds like maybe your dh can help out more than you're giving him credit for.  at least he'll be there at night and can help in the evenings and night time.  i'll be on my own with the twins and my 4 y.o., so i'm accepting help from some folks i wouldnt normally call upon.

E&RMommy

After reading that....you might reconsider her help.  She's going to drive you nuts in an already very stressful time.

We didn't have an older child but we did just fine by ourselves.  DH went back to work at 2 weeks and I went back to work at 7 weeks then DH took a month off and stayed with them by himself.

You can do it by yourself.  My mom and MIL drive me crazy and it wasn't worth the stress.

So sorry.  Hang in there!

JennyAnne022776

I will be very interested to read other people's responses to this, as I was just having this discussion with DH this past week.  In our situation, it's my mom who is very laid back and low-key, and it's my MIL that drives me absolutely nuts.

Long story short, my MIL lives on her own and is very dependent on my DH.  She also tends to be negative and critical.  We live in her former home (DH purchased it from her), so she only sees things the way she did them.  She has already made one sweeping pass through the house to tell me which things were in the wrong places, what we've wasted our money on, etc.

I have told DH that I can only take her in small doses, especially post c/s and babies.  Our only problem is that DH's job takes him out of town, so I will need some additional help.  I am going to rely mainly on my mom to help me, and will probably have MIL come over a couple of times per week (MIL has already indicated that she will be here every day after work).  DH didn't like this plan and said that I need to make his mom feel more included.  I nicely let him know that it is not my job to make his mom feel needed, that my primary job is to take care of myself and the boys.

I know my mom will help me stick to this plan (she does not like my MIL any more than I do).  She will boot her without hesitation if she feels that I am being overwhelmed or criticized by my MIL.  GL to you...hopefully you can come up with a plan or a schedule that doesn't completely overwhelm you!

Torri106

punkin06:

if i was desperate, i'd take the help.  it sounds like maybe your dh can help out more than you're giving him credit for.  at least he'll be there at night and can help in the evenings and night time.  i'll be on my own with the twins and my 4 y.o., so i'm accepting help from some folks i wouldnt normally call upon.

Yes my H is great. He will do a feeding before he goes to work so i can sleep a little bit longer. He does bathtime and most of the time starts dinner. Once the twins come i know we'll have to tag team baths. He will come in and help if he has downtime while working. My son will be starting pre school in sept. so that will help too. Right now i think im going give it a try and see how it goes. If she wants to help ill have her do some housework and such and ill do the baby stuff.

Torri106

JennyAnne022776:

I will be very interested to read other people's responses to this, as I was just having this discussion with DH this past week.  In our situation, it's my mom who is very laid back and low-key, and it's my MIL that drives me absolutely nuts.

Long story short, my MIL lives on her own and is very dependent on my DH.  She also tends to be negative and critical.  We live in her former home (DH purchased it from her), so she only sees things the way she did them.  She has already made one sweeping pass through the house to tell me which things were in the wrong places, what we've wasted our money on, etc.

I have told DH that I can only take her in small doses, especially post c/s and babies.  Our only problem is that DH's job takes him out of town, so I will need some additional help.  I am going to rely mainly on my mom to help me, and will probably have MIL come over a couple of times per week (MIL has already indicated that she will be here every day after work).  DH didn't like this plan and said that I need to make his mom feel more included.  I nicely let him know that it is not my job to make his mom feel needed, that my primary job is to take care of myself and the boys.

I know my mom will help me stick to this plan (she does not like my MIL any more than I do).  She will boot her without hesitation if she feels that I am being overwhelmed or criticized by my MIL.  GL to you...hopefully you can come up with a plan or a schedule that doesn't completely overwhelm you!

Negative and critical is EXACTLY it! Fortunately since it is MY mother i will tell her to stop and that shes stressing me out..i know you cant do that with your MIL.

My MIL told me from the get-go she wasnt going to help. Shes going to come over with her "Special Grandmother" t-shirt on and take a picture with the babies to show her friends and that will be it.

GL to you too! ITll all fall into place, it has too

missfire

Oh hell no! That wouldn't work for me. My mom is wonderful, and my MIL is tolerable, and they both drove me crazy after awhile when the babies were little. You will be exhausted and your energy should go toward your kids, not toward family drama. To me, it's also important to have help that is easy to coordinate with and communicate with. The babysitters we have all work in DS1's daycare, so they are used to writing down when and how much the babies eat, describing poop that seems different, etc. Your DS may have a hard time adjusting and you will want to keep him as close to his usual schedule and rules as possible, and whoever helps you needs to be willing to do things your way. Your mom seems like a good occasional babysitter, but not everyday help.

blondek8

In your situation, it may not be worth it. Your mother sounds peachy.

We had a ridiculous amount of help from my IL's and my mother for the first 3 months. I was a complete disaster and really wasn't able to care for the babies properly (whole different story). The IL's being at our house "helping" 4 days/week, 24 hrs/day has made our already strained relationship (and I use strained loosely) much worse. I can NOT stand my MIL. I used to be able to tolerate her presence prior to the twins but now her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. The mere sight of her face makes my blood boil.

See how you do on your own for the first bit with your H and make a decision later if possible?

s270453

We didnt have another child, so that definately makes it different, but we did just fine with little help.  My husband went back to work on Monday....after we got home from the NICU Friday night.  I did just fine, but I also went into it talking myself up that I could do it.  If you think you cant do it, then you will think you NEED help.  My MIL and mom would periodically come over for an hour or two a couple days a week but thats it.  Help is amazing, but you can do it!  Esp with a very helpful, supportive husband!!

klr210

i would be so tempted to say "support my parenting choices or go home". It's outside my realm of understanding why she would want you to tan and not support you choosing to BF!

i think the thing with involving grandparents is that they sometimes have an automatic sense of entitlement and attachment and disregard for the wishes of you/the parents.it manifests itself in different ways, and your case seems to be one of the tougher ones with bigger battles. it would concern me that your mom is so focused on saying and doing things to stress you out and be unsupportive. that stress is counter-productive. I would feel beat up at the end of the day, not 'helped'. If you need a helping hand, I would take it in small doses, for an hour or two so  she can know the kids and you can shower/breathe/etc.. but avoid using her as a support system who gets to play a large role in raising/caring for your kids. And if you can -- tell her the conversation is closed on BF, the dogs and being negative and you need her to be respectful if she's to continue to play a regular roll in their lives.

Torri106

s270453:

We didnt have another child, so that definately makes it different, but we did just fine with little help.  My husband went back to work on Monday....after we got home from the NICU Friday night.  I did just fine, but I also went into it talking myself up that I could do it.  If you think you cant do it, then you will think you NEED help.  My MIL and mom would periodically come over for an hour or two a couple days a week but thats it.  Help is amazing, but you can do it!  Esp with a very helpful, supportive husband!!

I def have the attitude that i can do it (im a postpartum nurse and work in NICU here and there so very much used to babies, schedules, breastfeeding ect.). I told my H tonight im more nervous/anxious about having her around then having the babies! lol.

My H gets 2 weeks off and i already told her if she wants to visit thats fine but shes not staying over during that time. I just feel bad to tell her no altogether. I think after venting/ getting other advice im going to set up 2 days a week where she will be here to help with housework and stuff vs. getting in my way with the twins and Jack or just take J to the playground or whatnot for a bit. I know im not going to be able to handle the constant comments/critisims and im gonna lose it one of these days. Thanks ladies for your insight, im glad you all understand, i was thinking i was overreacting.

s270453

Torri106:

s270453:

We didnt have another child, so that definately makes it different, but we did just fine with little help.  My husband went back to work on Monday....after we got home from the NICU Friday night.  I did just fine, but I also went into it talking myself up that I could do it.  If you think you cant do it, then you will think you NEED help.  My MIL and mom would periodically come over for an hour or two a couple days a week but thats it.  Help is amazing, but you can do it!  Esp with a very helpful, supportive husband!!

I def have the attitude that i can do it (im a postpartum nurse and work in NICU here and there so very much used to babies, schedules, breastfeeding ect.). I told my H tonight im more nervous/anxious about having her around then having the babies! lol.

My H gets 2 weeks off and i already told her if she wants to visit thats fine but shes not staying over during that time. I told my MIL this too and she listened! I just feel bad to tell her no altogether. I think after venting/ getting other advice im going to set up 2 days a week where she will be here to help with housework and stuff vs. getting in my way with the twins and Jack or just take J to the playground or whatnot for a bit. I think this would be perfect!  I know im not going to be able to handle the constant comments/critisims and im gonna lose it one of these days. Thanks ladies for your insight, im glad you all understand, i was thinking i was overreacting.

Your going to do great!  Hopefully she will take the hint! 

Leigh71

My vote is no.  it isn't worth it.  My mother, and MIL drive me crazy.  I would loose my mind if they stayed in my home... let alone came every day.  My own mom is super critical.  She bitched I had no cookies in the house on her last visit... about 30 seconds after she walked in the door.  really...?  cookies.  this was her 1st time to meet the twins and they were 10 months old.  and cookies are her priority?

She complains about my home, my parenting skills, and my dog too!  my dog sleeps 20+ hrs a day... she's a bulldog.  It's not like I have a spazzy dog that's jumping all over her.  She will complain about anything. 

Just a thought....?....  maybe you can "assign" her the task of caring for your son (giving him some one on one time...) and the babies are all yours?   Not sure if this would be a possiblity,... but maybe sign him up for swim lessons, etc. and have her take him... (then she is OUT of the house.

amanda31H

My vote is, you won't know until the babies arrive!  Depending on how sleep deprived you get, you may be able to tolerate more in the name of rest!

It just depends.  My MIL is not intolerable by any means, let me just say.  But she came to help for 3 days and spent the night to get up and help me with night feedings (For the first few weeks we had  a combo of help at night from my mom, sister and MIL.  DH  had a few things going on at work and needed to be focused.  After that, it was just the two of us).  She was very uncomfortable with the babies and so it made me really uncomfortable...she'd just get so flustered and look like she didn't know what to do.  I was really overwhelmed and feeling like I knew nothing, so this was the worst possible thing for me.  After the first night, I said forget it.  DH got up the next two nights of her stay because I couldn't handle it.

So it just depends. 

CaliDutchGrl

I was going to suggest having your Mom help out with your son. Take him to the park, running errands, to the mall, etc. Get him out of the house and I am sure he will love to get out of the house and to get one on one attention. During that time you can focus on the twins and maybe get a nap or chore done around the house.