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TTC after 35
lhcooper
member
IVF BFN
lhcooper
member
in TTC after 35
There's really not much more to say. I'm not surprised, and I was calm when I got the call, but then I cried for a while in the car (we were out shopping to go camping this weekend). I'm super down about it but there's nothing to do except move on, right? We are going to take a break from anything but TTCing naturally for the next 2 months, read up on donor embryos, and think about whether we want to do a few more IUIs come September or go right to the donor embryo option. More IVF or donor eggs are not an option for us, financially or, in the case of DE, psychologically. And actually even if we could afford more IVF cycles it would be a huge financial risk given how substandard our embryos were (none more than 5 cell on day 3). So I guess there's some small grace in the fact that I'm/we're actually not even tempted to try another IVF cycle of our own.
This whole thing is just so unfair. I want to rant and scream about how it's not my fault that my boyfriend of 7 years and I broke up when I was 33 and then it took me 4 years to find DH; not my fault we didn't get married until I was 38, not my fault I got sick and couldn't TTC for 6 months after my first miscarriage in 2009, not my fault my first RE and their stupid timing for IUIs sucked, not my fault that the last IUI was an ectopic and then I had to wait again....but of course it's irrelevant that it's not my fault. I feel like I'm being punished, though. I know you all know what I mean. God, it sucks to be turning 40 in less than 2 months and feel so old with even older eggs.
Anyway, I'm sure I'll be here off and on, but I do expect to mostly take a break except to check in on folks who I know are doing IVF soon (McIrish, kbrodie....).
me - 41 (dx: DOR); DH - 53 (no problems);
7/18/09 - married!;
8/4/09 - BFP on first (real)try;
9/14/09 - missed m/c; 9/15/09 - d&c;
11/09 - 3/10 - 4 natural cycles = BFN;
4/10 - dx hyperthyroidism caused by Graves' disease;
6/10 - thyroidectomy;
7/10 - 12/10 - 1 natural and 5 medicated IUI cycles = BFN;
1/11 - new RE; dx low ovarian reserve (AMH .42;
1/26/11 -- BFP (ectopic) from IUI #6; methotrexate 2/10/11;
6/2/11 - IVF #1 = BFN;
9/12/11 - prescreening for DE;
9/15/11 - IUI #7 (unmedicated)= BFN;
11/8 - begin DE cycle (shared risk program);
12/5 - ER (5 eggs/4 mature/3 fertilized/2 left by day 5)
12/10 - ET of one 1BB blast (expanded, "fair" quality), none to freeze;
12/22 - totally shocked by +hpt; beta #1 = 413; #2 = 3952
2/14 - CVS reveals a healthy baby girl!
EDD: 8/27/12 DD born 8/31/12, 10 lbs 10 oz and perfect in every way.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: IVF BFN
I have to tell you that I am very sorry for this news. I feel your pain. You will probably see my IVF #2 BFN next Thursday night.
I hope your camping weekend cheers you up--even just a bit helps.
My Blog
TTC #1 since 8/1/10; Me:41 and BRCA1+, DH:46
DOR (FSH 24.3)/ terrible egg quality ; homozygous MTHFR c677t
5 IUI's: 2/11 to 6/11 and 1/12= BFN
OE IVF#1-4 8/11-6/12= all BFN
DE IVF#1 11/12 bad embryos= BFN
DE IVF #2 2/13 BFP/Beta hell: m/c 5w6d
CFNBC 7 months, not doing well; decided on guarantee program at RBA w/frozen DE
DE IVF #3 1/14 ET 4BB; BFP;M/C 5w1d, incomplete m/c; MVA extraction in ER 7w1d
DE FET#1 ET 3/1714; BFP, beta 1 3/27= 197, beta 2 3/31= 1586, beta 3 4/7= 13879!!
First u/s= Twins with HBs at 6w2d! We are Team Pink x 2!!
K & K born 11/21/14 at 38wks 4 days
SAIF/PAIF Welcome
http://waitingforraintostop.wordpress.com
Thanx, everyone. I'm always grateful for this board, but sometimes, like today, it really does make a difference. Poor DH -- he has had to watch me sporadically break into hysterical crying fits (once we're not in public) all day long. I'm honestly surprised at just how upset I am, stupid as that sounds. The reality of probably not having my own biological child except via an act of God is starting to really hit me, I guess. Yes, we can do some more IUIs (at $600 a pop, since this new clinic doesn't do discounted packages like my old RE did) -- but there is a chance DH can only be where I am for the next year and then will have to go back to his job in another state (long story). We don't want that to happen and are actively working to prevent it, but it's a real possibility. And given that, whatever we do do that isn't dependent on my eggs, we probably want to try to do sooner rather than later, whether it's trying to get pregnant via donor embryo or starting the adoption process.....so that's all part of the emotional package too, making it feel like there really isn't much more time to waste/wait on my body. I know everyone here is dealing with some kind of timeline for one reason or another, but this doesn't help with my stress level.
I'm now just babbling. It feels better typing here than crying in bed. But hopefully shortly I'll get some sleep and then DH can paddle me downriver tomorrow. At least there's little chance I'll see lots of babies on the canoe trip, the way I did when we stopped by Trader Joe's today. And that's another thing: other people have written about this too, but omg I simply hate the person I'm becoming...I see mothers with their cute little kids and I feel bitter, jealous, angry, mean. I see women my age and/or younger walking around without kids and wonder how fertile they are! Jesus. How does one put this burden down, ever???? And it really is so much worse having pulled out the big IVF guns and having had them not work....it feels like that much hope has been taken away and that much more work/research/etc. has been laid down instead.
Sorry to be such a ranting downer, especially if you've actually read through all this....
Oh Coop, I am so sorry to hear this. I am right there with you when it comes to feeling like it's not my fault I am the age I am and things have worked out the way they have.
Please come back to us whenever you need support or just to visit. But I certainly understand needing a break.
Best of luck to you in whatever you decide your next steps will be. I know you'll make the right decision.
Lots of love and hugs to you!
I am so sorry. I hate IF, not just for me, but for every woman who goes through so much only to meet such unfair results.
I hope your break gives you what you need right now.
Me: 36, DH: 42
Dx: DOR and MFI
DH: low count + very low motility; hormones all normal; Sperm DNA Frag. test = poor to fair; male karyotyping normal
Me: FSH 13.4 + AMH 0.26 + hypothyroidism; Scratch the hypothyrodism (?); Blood clotting and immune panel all negative; endometrial biopsy normal
IVF #1 (MDLF - Jul/Aug 2011): BFN (9R, 5M, 3F with ICSI, 3dt of 1 10-cell grade 2, no frosties)
IVF #2 (EP-antagonist - Sep/Oct 2011): BFN (6R, 4M, 3F w/ ICSI, 3dt of 1 6-cell, 1 7-cell, grade 4s, no frosties)
DE IVF #1 (shared cycle - June 2012): c/p (6R, 6F w/ICSI, 3dt 1 8-cell grade A- and 1 7-cell grade A-; no frosties)
DE IVF #2 (shared cycle with new donor - Nov/Dec/ 2012): - BFP!!!!! 12/14/12. U/S on 12/27 shows twins!!!!!
SAIFW/PAIFW
3/11 Clomid-Ovidrel-IUI #1-progesterone= BFN.
5/11 Femara-Bravelle-Ovidrel-IUI#2-progesterone=BFN.
6/11 Femara-Ovidrel-IUI#3-progesterone=BFP!
Beta #1 7/1: 39. Beta #2 7/5: 301 U/S 7/19 - saw HB!!
EDD 3/12/12
DD born 3/5/12
Baby #2 Beta #1 12/16: 439. Beta #2 12/18: 1240
EDD 8/22/15