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So my sister disowned me...
My sister and her two boys were staying with me this week. Both of our husbands are traveling for work. We got into it today because we are opposites when it comes to discipline, cleanliness... pretty much everything and she packed up and left. We then had a phone conversation where we said a lot of things that have probably been bothering each of us for a while. Then there were a few e-mails. Then she told me to consider her dead to me... Not sure what to do....Advice?
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Re: So my sister disowned me...
People are who they are and you have to make the decision as to whether you want her in your life, accepting her differences or faults, or you don't.
If you don't - Problem's taken care of.
If you do - Call her, sincerely apologize and tell her you are sorry that the argument happened, you understand that your personalities are different but that can be a good thing as life would be very boring if we were all the same and that you hope she can forgive you and you guys can move past this.
Simple enough, but here's the hard part. I DO want her in my life, but I don't want to accept all the fault here. She said some pretty hurtful things to me today. And not just about me, about my DD as well. I don't think I am a big enough person to apologize after that... and that just makes me sad.
They were just visiting/staying with you and you decided to lay into her about her parenting/cleanliness skills? Really was it necessary? I don't speak to one of my sisters anymore because of something like this. Individually it may seem like one silly fight but for me it was years of her trying to tell me how to live, what to do, and she always assumed it whatever she did was the right way, not just a way. She is my older sister and it's been like this forever. Honestly the only recommendation I could make would be to not just apologize...but to actually stop doing whatever it is that bothers her. That is if you want to talk to her again. If she is just being a brat and you don't car about contact then disregard this. The problem is not the apology but actually acting like you respect her and the way she does things...or at least that you keep your mouth shut and your facial expressions neutral. I know you may think I'm being harsh, but I'd say the same thing to her. It takes 2 to fight. If one of you stops, then it will stop. For me it was just too much and I am happier not having much contact with my sister. If you don't want your relationship to end like this then you need to change whatever it is you are doing right now.
Well, you gotta'.
Perhaps to make yourself feel better you can say, "I said some things today that I didn't really mean and I'm sure you didn't mean some of the things that you said either." And then just let it lie.
I'm unclear on how you got that from my OP?
Honestly, I would wait a few days for the feelings to not be so intense. You don't have to apologize if you don't want to but I am wondering about a few things. If cleanliness was an issue in your home did you discuss your expectations before she arrived? What you expected from her & her kids while they stayed in your home. As for discipline - how old are the kids we are talking about here & what did they do?
I guess I am mostly wondering why you guys came to blows about this now.
"My sister and her two boys were staying with me this week. Both of our husbands are traveling for work. We got into it today because we are opposites when it comes to discipline, cleanliness."
When people are staying with me, I don't try to discuss their cleanliness or how they discipline even if it's opposite of me. I just enjoy their visit and realize that they are just there for a temporary time, so even if we are opposites, it would not cause us to get into it today. Am I missing something here? Is this not what this implies? If you said nothing then you two couldn't get into it about disciple and cleanliness right?
These have been long standing issues. She knows my expectations but consistently fails to live up to them. I overlook it as much as I can because I want to avoid this. Obviously I want her to feel welcome here, but I also want to feel comfortable here. Her kids are 2 and 4, mine are 2 and 3. It was not so much what they did as it was what she DIDN'T do. We come to blows about this all the time, just never to this extent.
I didn't say I said nothing, but I hardly "laid into her." It doesn't take much. In fact, it all started because she took issue with the way I was cleaning my kitchen.
Ok, so you so don't like the words "laid into her"...hmmm, ok change those words to "decided to tell"...the context of my response does not change from this slight adjustment. Clearly I haven't "lived up to your expectation" of a response. Hmmm, I think you've proved my point.
Maybe your expectations of a guest in your home are too demanding or maybe she shouldn't be an overnight guest in your home anymore because she is a terrible guest. I think these are really your only two options here.
Holy blow a response out of proportion Batman...yowzers!
OP: I agree with letting things blow over for a few days and then deciding how to proceed. Its a pretty harsh statement to cut someone out of your life, and if thats not what you want you are going to have to do some apologizing ( as is she I am sure) GL to you!
Give it some time for all the emotions to calm down and then give her a call if she does not call before. I have had plenty of fights with my family over our differences, mean things have been said on occasion, but we still love each other. We never let our differences change the fact that we are family.
I do agree that you have to accept people for who they are. She will not change you and you will not change her. Sometimes accepting someone's differences means that you need to make a few small adjustments to survive yourself. You either have to lower your expectations while they are in your house or you limit their visits to shorter durations that you can put up with.
I can understand where you are coming from. I am a neat freak, my family is not. However, I would never say anything to them about the mess they make while they are there. I also try hard to be more laid back so that I don't make them uncomfortable being in my house. If I am constantly picking up after them while they are here they are going to start getting defensive and/or not feel welcome. My house may be dirty when they leave, but I have always been able to get it back in order afterward. I would rather have my family around than a spotless house all the time.
I'm sorry to hear this happened. To me, family is non-negotiable and you have to be the bigger person and start the conversation about mending your relationship.
Also, it seems like you guys have some history with being different so perhaps inviting her to stay for a week was a bad idea. There's nothing wrong with NOT opening your house to her for such an extended period of time. I guess, what I'm trying to say is that you know how this worked out, as well as your history so try to base what/how your relationship proceeds on that. You can still be friendly, just not friends. KWIM?
I had some issues with my sister in law like this 10 years ago (She has been in our family since I was 18, I am 38). We were not on the same page about things like how much family does for each other. She was having some issues of her own. We had a big fight and did not talk for about 2 years. Honestly, I think a lot of it could have been avoided by putting some distance between ourselves. I would not say anything for at least a week, and a month or two if you can go that long. Let everything simmer down for a bit, then see each other on a limited basis. If you "face" the issues now, you are both likely to be defensive and say even more stuff you don't mean. We get along fine now. Time has mellowed both of us and she doesn't have two small babies anymore.
Also, Traveling/staying at someone else's house is fun, but traveling with two small kids is exhausting, I am sure that plays into it. Your sister might also have viewed her visit as a vacation, thus been more slack than she normally would have. I am not good at traveling with my kids and other people. I have a few good friends I can spend that amount of time with, but no way could I take a week with my brother's family or most other people. I have about a 2 day limit with anyone.
I absolutely agree with this. Give it some time, a week or two, and then call her or ask her to meet for coffee. Don't send an email as things can be misinterpreted.
Things happen but you'll always be sisters. The thing is that you know what bothers you so really you need to try to accept her the way she is, take a deep breath, and let it go. You cannot change people. They are the way they are just as you are who you are.
On another note I'll let you know that I lost my brother to a violent crime 2 years ago. We hadn't spoken in years and now he's gone. We weren't terribly close but we had each other. So consider putting your feelings aside, call her and apologize. Don't expect an apology but if she gives one then it'll be doubly sweet!