My doctor made me feel crazy....intrusive thoughts, anyone with experience? Sorry long
MereMM7
member
So long story short, had a complicated and stressful last 2 weeks of pregnancy which led to induction. Delivered healthy, but small beautiful baby boy. I love my baby more than life itself, and know I would never want any harm to come to my baby......but......I have these horrible flashed of harming my child. I think it all started at 1 wk PP. I def had the baby blues, and was terrified of getting PPD, probably obsessing over not getting PPD to the point where I was extremely anxious. Then my mother mentioned being careful on the steps while carrying my LO....at that moment I had a horrible vision of someone dropping LO on the steps. From there things progressed, I then was so worried about people holding him with his neck and head support. I then began picturing his poor little head snapping over and breaking his neck.......now please keep in mind I wasnt seeing myself doing these things, just that they were happening. Things have progressed from there....to the point I am worried someone will puncture his soft spot, drop him over the balcony, etc, etc. To the point where I am carrying him and near the balcony I see him going over it. Its not that I want to throw him over it, I just see him falling over it. Then I am horrified by what my mind just invisioned.
It seems like days I get less sleep.....and with a reflux, milk allergy baby, the nights have been more common lately, but on these days the thoughts are more often. At around 3 weeks they even went away completely, and then back at 5 weeks. Its devestating to myself to have these thoughts, and I know I do not want these things to happen to him, nor do i ever think i would ever harm my child, but I am desperate for the thoughts to go away.
So fastforward to my 6 wk check up today, I explain these to the nurse who is very kind and understanding. She offers some reassuring words and says we will talk to the doctor about it......the doctor immediately suggest I go directly to the ER for a psychiatric evaluation. He states he does not feel comfortable with me in the house with my baby. Looking back I may not have described what i am feeling accurately, but I did tell him I do not want to hurt my baby.
I guess why I am writing this post is because I am feeling so hurt from my doctor, I wanted help, and he made me feel even worse. I refused the ER, I will however call the psychiatrist in the AM and seek appropriate care. But Im wondering has anyone else experienced this, if so what helped and how soon did you get relief. Thanks for any tips, advice, and please don't judge. Please remember, I love my child and would never hurt him, I can't control these episodes....but I can control myself.
Re: My doctor made me feel crazy....intrusive thoughts, anyone with experience? Sorry long
Oh honey! I wish I could give you a huge hug! You are not crazy and no offense, but your doctor is a idiot!
First let me say I could have written your post exactly. I mean word for word. I had complications that led to an induction and a perfect 4.5 lb baby boy, who also by the way had reflux and a milk allergy! I had severe baby blues that led to a pretty severe bout of PPD. Most of all I suffered horrible intrusive thoughts.
My most common thought was seeing myself hit my sons head into the corner of the coffee table. Did I want to do this? NO! Would I ever hurt him? NO! Did I ever hurt him? Absolutely not! But these thoughts crept into my head an wouldn't go away. The guilt was overwhelming. I felt just as guilty as I would have if I had actually done it. It killed me. I went so far as to get rid of the coffee table. I also worried about him going over the balcony or falling down the steps or his neck breaking. I never once wanted to do these things, but the thought of them happening were constantly in my mind. It scared me that my mind was capable of thinking these things.
You are not alone. This is a common issue with PPD and PPOCD and it does get better. I promise it gets better! Here is a fact I learned that you can share with your uninformed doctor. Women who are suffering from intrusive thoughts with PPD are not at an increased risk to harm their baby. They are at an increased risk to harm themselves or commit suicide. This has a lot to do with the guilt about these thoughts and the fear that they could carry them out. The last thing a doctor should do is shame you for something you can't control. Especially when you are in such a scary place. You are a good responsible Mom who is looking for help. It took a lot of courage to talk to your doctor. It is his job to help you. I'm so sorry for the way you were treated.
I know your doctor didn't understand the difference between harming your baby and having the uncontrollable thoughts. I do understand. It is a very, very hard thing to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. Also- there is a difference between having PPD and PP Psycosis. When a women has a complete break with reality and is having delusions, it is a emergency and she can harm her baby. What you are explaining is totally different.
With all of that said, you should still seek help. The earlier you reach out the sooner you will heal. A psychiatrist can get you on meds (if needed) and evaluate your situation. Therapy is helpful for any major transition, and a new baby is a serious transition. You might also really find comfort in a PPD support group. There will be other women who understand at the meetings. I thought I would hate it, but it was one of the best things I did. Keep in mind that none of this is permanent. You are not crazy. You aren't losing your mind. I literally did a few weeks of therapy and support group, low dose meds for a little less than a year and within weeks of starting them, my head cleared and I felt like myself again. It really does get better. You are not alone. This is all totally normal and as long as you get a little help, it will get better very soon. :::hugs to you::: Let me know if you ever need to talk.
Owen Matthew 11/1/2009 4lbs 10oz 16.5in
Born 5 weeks early by C/S | Severe Pre-Eclampsia
BFP #2 5/1/2011 | M/C @ 7 weeks | D&C 5/25/2011
TTC #2 | HSG Clear | SA 2% Morph otherwise great
3 failed Femara/TI cycles moving on to IUI
I'm so glad you posted this. I know exactly what you mean about the intrusive thoughts. I get them ALL the time, about both of my children. My baby being dropped off our two-story deck is the main one, so I completely understand about the balcony.
I've had many disturbing thoughts like this. My grandma was cutting up fruit for my older daughter, and I had a "vision" that she stabbed my daughter with the knife. Or when my cousin was playing in her room with my daughter, and I didn't hear them for a few minutes, I thought my cousin must have killed her. I'll picture the blade of the blender coming off and stabbing me or the babies, or someone breaking into the house and killing/kidnapping/torturing them.
I've thought about going to a doctor, but didn't want them to think I was a danger to my child. I absolutely am not. Your experience cements my decision to just work it out myself.
I experienced much of what you did. I saw myself doing horrible things to my son. I finally went to my doctor at 7 months PP. When I broke down, both the doctor and nurse told me this all was not me. It's the hormones. Just remember, your mental health is the most important thing right now. Are you on any meds at this point?
Hello there, I just want to start by thanking you all for your replies and comments. I am feeling a lot better just knowing that A) I am not the only one, and
I am not crazy. I will tell you I got 6 hrs of sleep lastnight, and what a difference that makes in my mentality 
Not really any thoughts today, unless of course I think about how I had no thoughts. And I did make an appointment with a therapist, next thursday. I think I will feel much better talking to someone that is used to dealing with my situation, hopefully she understands and doesnt take the approach my OB did. I will let you all know how its goes next thursday. Until then I will just keep trucking on. No medicine yet, my OB thinks he is not qualified to start me on anything, and since Im no longer breastfeeding I am open to exploring that route. Any suggestions or tips as to what you have all tried would be great. Thanks again, It is great that there is such a good group of supportive women out here.
I will let you know how the therapist works out, I shudder to think that all healthcare providers would act like my OB (FYI...this is a new doc to the practice, not the OB I normally see and absolutely love. Maybe he was just being extra cautious b/c he doesnt know me, but I know I will never see him again...his approach sucks! ) Goodluck to you, hopefully just talking to people on this board will give you some relief.
I am so glad to know that I am not on my own, I dont know if its normal, but LO is already 7 months old and I recently started having these same feelings and thougths, I feel awful, and I used to feel so happy and my life filled with my son but recently I feel as if I dont love him anymore, but I do, I am scared of going to the doctor also because I fear that the doctor will judge me and take LO away from me....
hi ladies, check out this link: https://postpartum.net/Get-the-Facts/Postpartum-OCD.aspx
read this too: https://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=117022&page=1
sorry they're not clicky
**waves**
Please feel free to page me on MM if you want to chat!
Some great books: Imp of the Mind (good section on intrusive thoughts during the post partum period) and Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: Take Control of Your OCD.
Sorry your doctor is such an idiot. I hate that this happens and discourages women from seeking appropriate treatment.
You're a great mama! Hang in there.