Single Parents

honest advice

ok ladies, you guys are as ruthless as they come. lol kidding aside, I need you guys to help me out with something.

I'm a mom to a 4month old and she is my world. But lately I have been feeling so sad, depressed. I'm not with her father, but I find myself missing him still even though I don't want to anymore. I lack the strength to get over it. I lack the ability to see him and not want to cry. I for the past couple of days have been siting here looking like a zombie because I don't even know how to feel anymore. I guess what I am asking is to hear, get you frackin act together! hear someone's story of how it was hard for them but there was a light at the end of a tunnel. Because even though I know all these things, and it will get better right now I just don't see that end of my tunnel. I'm trying to stay positive because I do have a baby who needs her mommy to be happy and playful, I don't want her sensing my negative energy.  I need some positive words from you all. Please.

Re: honest advice

  • I think what you're feeling is normal.  It isn't what you imagined your life to be like, and that can be disappointing.

    I was talking to a fellow SP about this and she was saying that she gets sad (almost TWO years after her split) when she does the exchange with her son's father.  He has already had another baby and is living with his GF and their "happy family" makes her sad. 

    I think it's more about what you wanted rather than what you would have had.

    I could be all hard and tough, but the truth is that I'm goign through something similar.  XH (better known as SD) has just gotten supervised visitation back and I am the supervisor and will be for three months until P is comfortable not having me be there and know's his father well enough to be dropped off with him and a stranger (the supervisor).  So I'm in an awkward position because we have to hang out, the three of us, and that isn't something I want to do.  I am not sure how to keep myself from thinking about what might have been, but will never be.  I guess the solution is that it's normal for these thoughts to go through my mind, but to know not to act on them or do anything about it.  It's a true test of strength and no one quite understands what we as single moms go through.

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  • Thats exactly what I am going through. I have to hangout with him while he watches our daughter because he also has supervised visits. And like you said, it brings up those feelings of what might have been. That's what bothers me so much. You see he offers to buy us dinner, we eat together, we shop together (for baby stuff) and we go to family functions, well his functions because he cant have the baby unless I'm there. So I'm here misinterpreting the situation, I feel like sometimes he wants us to maybe eventually work it out. But...I remember why we are where we are, how we got here. I feel like he's going to get to start his family, while I'm to busy making sure I raise our daughter right. The thought that he will have a family with someone else makes me even more sad. What if I end up alone?
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  • All of this, what you've said, and what PPs have said, is exactly how I feel too. I get angry and frustrated, because XSO gets to have a "life" and move on, and start a new family, and even if I do get to do that, it will be so much harder for me because I am the one raising our son. Since leaving us, my ex has done a lot of things that were hurtful to me, and that I don't agree with in regards to our son, so it's like I don't miss who he is now, but who he used to be, and the life that I thought I would have with him. It's hard to accept that it's not going to happen with him, ever, and let it go. I wanted to give my son a family with two parents who love him and love each other, and it's scary to think that I may not be able to do that.

    But at the end of the day, you can't control what life hands you, you can only control how you react to it. 

    One other thing. Have you talked to your Dr about any of this? I had some pretty severe PPD going on that also contributed to my feelings, and once I got some help for that, things have been better. I still have those feelings, but I'm a little better able to cope with them. 

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  • I think you're being a little hard on yourself, and it's OK to feel the way you're feeling.  You're only four months PP, and you're still all over the place hormonally.  If you're having a lot of trouble coping, it really helps to see a counselor.
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  • I was you 6 months ago.  It does get better.  STBXH left me for his mistress, emotionally and verbally abused me, threatened me, and I felt completely worthless as a person, a wife, a woman, and a mother.  I cried every single day in 2010, all the while trying to get through my pregnany and being a new mom completely alone.

    Just this past Saturday, DS and I were playing and I had this overwhelming feeling of being completely happy, just the two of us, with no drama.  IT.WAS.FABULOUS.  Everyone here always says that you'll get there and I can now say that it's true.  Hang in there!!! 

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