Need advice or just perspective on MIL

sarahslost

I feel like we just can't win with her, and I want to cry.  Backstory:

MIL and FIL have been divorced and FIL was remarried well before H and I ever met.  There has been a lot of bitterness and hostility on MIL's part all along.  I'm not saying FIL is innocent, but he has moved on.  I don't know what instigated the divorce, and I don't want to know.

Things got a bit better when the grandkids started coming along, but now that the youngest is 2 things seem to be returning to "normal".  MIL will lash out at FIL at the kid's bday parties from time to time, justs snide remarks.  Little things, I guess.

She was upset with H for spending time talking with his SM's father at our DD's bday party earlier this month.  He tried to have a conversation with her about it today, and she comes out with the latest after learning that his SM and SS will be taking the girls to the zoo Monday.

The zoo is an hour away, in the next state, and over the river.  She was upset because she's "not allowed to take the girls out of the state" and THEY get to take the to the zoo.  Apparently there was some conversation where she asked to take the girls somewhere across the river where we said we weren't comfortable with it.  I'm sure that probably did happen, but probably two whole years ago.  Plus it would have just been her with to rowdy toddlers, and now it is two years later, with two on two, and they are older and listen better now.

It's also a birthday gift from his SS to our DD.  It would have been hard to say know.  Besides the fact I don't remember the conversation or the details.  I struggle with her holding it against us now.  And frankly, if she asked to take both girls to the zoo or something similar now I'd still probably lean towards no because even I wouldn't do that.  I'd be too concerned about one possible getting lost when she was dealing with the other.  At least with two adults they can tag team.

I just feel like she's looking for things to get mad about and I don't know how to deal with it.  Yes, this is his problem and he needs to deal.  But I don't think she's going to change.  Nothing is going to please her, and it's been creating difficulty in making family plans for a while now.  Does anyone else deal with stuff like this?

Sorry it got so long, just typing as I'm thinking.

I don't know, am I missing something?  Should I be more understanding? 

sarahslost

Oh, I do feel bad if she is offended by the whole zoo thing, but it just wasn't deliberate, you know?  Sigh.

jettagurl

First, until she can act like and adult and her her bitterness aside, quit inviting her to the parties.  Your H can tell her however he wishes, and you can have a private celebration with just her and your little family in the mean time. 

As for dealing with her, just keep it a matter-of-fact type thing.  I thing Dande has a book that she's rec'd to several people about these type of parent/IL issues. When she questions your H about why they (SM/FIL) gets to do more things, he can tell her that this is the choice you've made.  Maybe come up with places that you would be okay with her taking the girls to or things to do with them.  

As for the one-one ration thing, there always has to be a first time.  I take my kids lots of places alone.... they are 5, 3, 1, 1...even the zoo, children's museum, park, etc.  If I needed a one-one ratio, we'd never go any where. I'm lucky to get a 2-1 ratio on an outing - like maybe that happens once every 2-3 mos (more like only on vacation!).  

 

sarahslost

I know you're right about the ratio, jetta.  I do.  If H and I weren't on the same page that would be one thing.  Thank goodness we are.  I think it has a lot to do with our youngest DD.  She's a total firecracker and tends to run off on a whim.  At least with one adult per kid that one adult can run after her, you know?

And if it's going to happen, well, I'd rather it be me, I guess.  Shrug.  Ultimately is has nothing to do with HER, which was she seems to think.

Maybe Dande will see this and pop in.  I could use a good read. 

I'll have to run your suggestion of not inviting her to H, but he has a sister too, and I don't want any ill will with her.  I love her to death, and I know it would hurt her just as much if we did that.  Even if it is just because her mom would vent to her.

jettagurl

Maybe your H needs to give her an ultimatum....if she can't be civil, she can't come. I've done that to my mom.  Its about the kids, not her agenda, and you/your H may need to remind her of that. 

If you're not comfortable ever going alone with the two, I get not being comfortable with her.  Maybe next time (as much as  you dislike her) offer to go along. Or invite her to the park with you, or a bounce place.  Then she gets some time with the girls and you are comfortable with it.  If you think she's questioning your reasoning then be up front about it.  "we'd love for the girls to have some time with you, but we worry about xxx getting away from you while your distracted.  It happens to me all the time in the yard - so the zoo worries us." 

Good Luck!

 

 

sarahslost

You know, it's not even that I don't like her.  Yeah, we've had our moments, but those were pre-DDs.  She loves those girls, and she does her best by them, for sure.  And my niece and nephew too.  It's the moving on from the past that she has trouble with.  She makes it difficult to even have a pleasant conversation with her.  I have to prod H to hug her when we leave her place.  It's maddening. 

Cbidt's girl

jettagurl:

First, until she can act like and adult and her her bitterness aside, quit inviting her to the parties.  Your H can tell her however he wishes, and you can have a private celebration with just her and your little family in the mean time. 

As for dealing with her, just keep it a matter-of-fact type thing.  I thing Dande has a book that she's rec'd to several people about these type of parent/IL issues. When she questions your H about why they (SM/FIL) gets to do more things, he can tell her that this is the choice you've made.  Maybe come up with places that you would be okay with her taking the girls to or things to do with them.  

As for the one-one ration thing, there always has to be a first time.  I take my kids lots of places alone.... they are 5, 3, 1, 1...even the zoo, children's museum, park, etc.  If I needed a one-one ratio, we'd never go any where. I'm lucky to get a 2-1 ratio on an outing - like maybe that happens once every 2-3 mos (more like only on vacation!).  

 

I respectfully disagree about ratio. Yes, s parent needs to be able to take his/ her kids out, but a grandparent doesn't. Reaction time in older adults is slower, they aren't used to managing the gear in the way a regular caretaker foes etc. I do lots of stuff on my own with both kids that I wouldn't let my mom or mil do. It's just a risk I don't need someone else taking with my kids that I HAVE to take cuz I'm the mom.

DandRAgain

The opposite of love isn't hate...its indifference...her hatred shows that she still has feelings for her ex...sucks for you guys because you have to deal with it....

Find her a boyfriend?? LOL..kidding.

I'm not sure what to tell you...its definately something your DH needs to deal with.  She sounds pouty and whiney and that would annoy the eff out of me....I'd want to yell "GROW UP!" 

jettagurl

Cbidt's girl:

jettagurl:

First, until she can act like and adult and her her bitterness aside, quit inviting her to the parties.  Your H can tell her however he wishes, and you can have a private celebration with just her and your little family in the mean time. 

As for dealing with her, just keep it a matter-of-fact type thing.  I thing Dande has a book that she's rec'd to several people about these type of parent/IL issues. When she questions your H about why they (SM/FIL) gets to do more things, he can tell her that this is the choice you've made.  Maybe come up with places that you would be okay with her taking the girls to or things to do with them.  

As for the one-one ration thing, there always has to be a first time.  I take my kids lots of places alone.... they are 5, 3, 1, 1...even the zoo, children's museum, park, etc.  If I needed a one-one ratio, we'd never go any where. I'm lucky to get a 2-1 ratio on an outing - like maybe that happens once every 2-3 mos (more like only on vacation!).  

 

I respectfully disagree about ratio. Yes, s parent needs to be able to take his/ her kids out, but a grandparent doesn't. Reaction time in older adults is slower, they aren't used to managing the gear in the way a regular caretaker foes etc. I do lots of stuff on my own with both kids that I wouldn't let my mom or mil do. It's just a risk I don't need someone else taking with my kids that I HAVE to take cuz I'm the mom.

Oh, this was in  response to OP stating that she (OP) doesn't even take them those places alone.  I don't expect anyone to take all 4 of my kids places alone, but I can't imagine not doing it myself. At 5 & 3, I, fortunately, am able to send them off with a single grandparent and not worry.  Set rules that they hold grandma's hand/listen, and if they don't, its time to go. 

 

Disneygeek77

sarahslost:

You know, it's not even that I don't like her.  Yeah, we've had our moments, but those were pre-DDs.  She loves those girls, and she does her best by them, for sure.  And my niece and nephew too.  It's the moving on from the past that she has trouble with.  She makes it difficult to even have a pleasant conversation with her.  I have to prod H to hug her when we leave her place.  It's maddening. 

That's when your H says " Mom, I am not discussing this with you anymore.  If you bring up SS and SM again, I will hang up / leave." 

Then stick by what you say because trust  me, she will test you.  My H has had to say the same thing to his mom and sister, and they finally stopped bothering us.