Vent- DH acting weird (ttc first cycle)

goodgalpal

DH and I decided we are ready to ttc after almost 9 years of marriage and being in a much better place in our lives. We had been talking and planning for many years, and DH had been saying he was ready and couldn't wait.

Now that this time has come, DH keeps saying things like he is scared that something bad is going to happen, that one of us could die, jobs could be lost, and he is saying he thinks I only want him for his sperm and won't love him anymore once we have a child, and that I won't want to have sex with him either. 

We haven't even reached the fertile time of the month yet, so this is really strange to me that he is feeling this way... I think we've only had sex ONCE this month! I do admit to wanting to be intimate more, but that is because we've ditched the condoms and it feels so much better without them. I keep telling him how much I love him, and I do nice little things for him all the time. 

I understand being concerned about one of us dying or losing jobs, but I consider this a normal concern of anyone that is in a committed relationship, although I realize that bringing another person/responsibility makes it more intense.

It does not help that his coworkers are telling him all kinds of crap about how they don't get to see their kids enough, that their wives no longer want sex, and that their wives "went crazy" after they got pregnant, etc. UGH!!!!!!!!!

We have talked about all of these things and I have been going out of my way to let him know that I love him and that is not going to stop. If anything I will love him more.

Any advice on how to get him to go back to his normal self?

sekura

He's just having early TTC jitters; a lot of men (and some women) get like that early on.  I would emphasize not only that you love him, but that you will both love and cherish your child, and the positives that come with having a child.  Acknowledge that yes, things will change, and your relationship will evolve; but that having a child together, and sharing that bond, will be worth it.

CallieSam

I don?t know if I have any good advice, but it is totally normal for people (men, especially) to freak out when it becomes real that you?re going to become parents (or try to at least). We already have one child and my husband still freaks out a little at the idea of having a second. And, admittedly, having kids is scary. So are a lot of things that are still totally worth doing! It?s a lot of responsibility, but SO worth it. I guess if I have any advice it?s to listen to his concerns, don?t belittle them, and just explain your feelings and the things you will do to make sure your marriage stays strong even after you have a baby. Acknowledge that it is scary and intimidating, but that you know he will make a great father. Good luck!

Wild_flower25

This happened with DS's dad.  It got so bad we went to counseling.  Just make sure he's comfortable and ready, if he's not, you can't force him.  With a guy like that, the less you tell him about TTC stuff, the better.  Keep the sex fun and just like it was in the past.  You could also tell him he can use condoms if wants to, until he feels he's totally ready. Yes, it would suck since you probably want it really bad, but you really don't want to have a baby with someone who isn't ready, trust me.

brookelynpaisley

I'm sorry, but it sounds like he might not really be ready.

megemoney

I think you should have a good talk with him.  It kind of sounds like he is not totally ready.  I think he maybe wants to be, or says that he is becasue he knows you are ready.  But in all honesty, I think he might not actually be ready. 

A good talk between the two of you will help this situation.  You can decide what is best for the two of you!  Good luck!

MickeyM04

brookelynpaisley:

I'm sorry, but it sounds like he might not really be ready.

 I tend to agree with BP...this doesn't really sound like jitters.  I think there's a difference between jitters (i.e. "I'm worried we don't have enough money to have kids," or "I wish we could afford a bigger place before we have kids,") and "I think you're just using me for my sperm and you're not going to want me anymore after we have kids."  You obviously know your DH better than we do, but my gut reaction upon reading this was that it's more than just jitters.

LilyPotter218

I'm going to have to agree with PP. I was ready to throw out BCP last spring, but fought the urge b/c I knew MH was not ready. If i brought it up enough he would eventually say "ok", but I needed more than that to be convinced. 

He is 3 years younger than I am, and as hard as it was, I knew this was a possibility. Waiting until he was ready was frustrating, but 100% worth it. Now I can talk to him about all the details without worrying he might flip out, and he is right there with me as time stands still waiting...

For the final 'test' that he truly was ready, I refilled my BCP and told him he could go pick them up if he wanted to. When he didn't I knew he was on board.

GL! 

AnoraStar

I think it's normal for everyone to get TTGP jitters, but if your DH isn't 100% on board, then he is not ready and you guys should wait.

Yes, a child is a HUGE responisiblity and yes, pregnant women can be hormonal/emotional, though I think 'crazy' is pushing it waaayyy too far. If that scares your DH then he isn't ready. He needs to be able to support you 100% on your good days and your bad days. I think you both need to have a good, long talk about your wants for the furture and your fears.

GL to you.

ccam

brookelynpaisley:

I'm sorry, but it sounds like he might not really be ready.

I have to agree... sorry!

Bees Everywhere

If you ask him why all this sudden fear and he doesn't open up I'd recommend seeing a counselor. You should get to the bottom of this before TTC, IMHO. Sorry to hear he's being such a flake on you after so long, that'd be really frustrating to me.

Patches08

brookelynpaisley:

I'm sorry, but it sounds like he might not really be ready.

 

My first thought as well.  Counseling sounds like it might be in order.  

 

Good luck.