When do the (figurative) scars fade?

sucrets4

I was very angry/sad/upset/etc. after DD was born.  I figured that it would subside after my EDD and it did.  I've been doing fine with her preemie-ness.  She's doing wonderfully and has surpassed every expectation I had for what being a mom is like.  

My cousin's wife just had their baby at 35w (I posted briefly about it last week).  I wasn't super close with them, but we try to keep in touch occasionally.  I spoke with my cousin a few days ago and answered a lot of his questions.  I think we're probably the only people he knows that has a preemie.  Their DD has reflux and I recommended the RnP and they LOVE it!  I'm sooooo glad.  My cousin's wife wants to call me and chat, but my mom said that she needs to get herself together, which is completely understandable.  That she's really angry and gets upset looking at her maternity clothes.

I sit here with tears welling up in my eyes.  Why are these wounds so raw still?  I want to be supportive and strong when I talk to her, but I just don't know if I can.  I know that crying isn't a big deal and that it might even help, but still.  Will it ever go away?  How do you all deal with it?

katie4253

Have you ever talked to a counselor?  Birth trauma and PTSD are very common and not talked about enough. 

Just do what you can for your cousin's wife.  But, take this as a time to reflect on how to take care of yourself.  I've seen on here a lot of moms talk about how they basically had to forget themselves while their baby was hospitalized (I know I have).  Taking care of you is the most important thing though.  Healthy mom = healthy baby and family.

sucrets4

katie4253:

Have you ever talked to a counselor?  Birth trauma and PTSD are very common and not talked about enough. 

Just do what you can for your cousin's wife.  But, take this as a time to reflect on how to take care of yourself.  I've seen on here a lot of moms talk about how they basically had to forget themselves while their baby was hospitalized (I know I have).  Taking care of you is the most important thing though.  Healthy mom = healthy baby and family.

I haven't.  Things got better after my EDD, so it never crossed my mind.  I'm fine with it most of the time, it's just hearing her story that's so similar to mine really hit home and threw me back a year.  I don't even know how talking to someone would make it better, you know?  It is what it is and I can't change the past.  I'm so thankful for her every day and it's to the point where no one would ever guess that she was early.  Being able to talk about it on here with people who understand is probably more therapeutic than anything else.

AggieBeth06

I have had another situation that I can relate to from years ago. It gets esker as time goes by, but there may always be something that triggers the emotions.

The first step is truly letting go of the guilt. You did nothing wrong. Just remind yourself that you are an awesome mom and have taken the surprises so well!

I agree that a counselor would be a food idea even if you aren't sure you need it. They can help you process your feelings and help you find new ways to think about it all.

The best thing you can do for her is to listen and empathize.

ETA: I realized after I posted this that i may have projected my feelings into my advice. I have no idea if you feel the way I have. My point is that taking time to consider the feelings behind the emotions and dealing with those are critical to fully healing. Good luck and ((( hugs)))

urbanflowerpot

sucrets4:

katie4253:

Have you ever talked to a counselor?  Birth trauma and PTSD are very common and not talked about enough. 

Just do what you can for your cousin's wife.  But, take this as a time to reflect on how to take care of yourself.  I've seen on here a lot of moms talk about how they basically had to forget themselves while their baby was hospitalized (I know I have).  Taking care of you is the most important thing though.  Healthy mom = healthy baby and family.

I haven't.  Things got better after my EDD, so it never crossed my mind.  I'm fine with it most of the time, it's just hearing her story that's so similar to mine really hit home and threw me back a year.  I don't even know how talking to someone would make it better, you know?  It is what it is and I can't change the past.  I'm so thankful for her every day and it's to the point where no one would ever guess that she was early.  Being able to talk about it on here with people who understand is probably more therapeutic than anything else.

This is what helps me. Here and a group on FB (PM me if you'd like to link up via that). It's surrounding myself with people who 'get it', even if it's online. I'm having a really hard time coping, myself. I was seeing a therapist all during my pregnancy who specializes in pg, but *for me* this did not help much. She doesn't have children and hasn't been there. I feel like I needed someone who has. My situation is all wacky because we had that house fire, my cats died, then five weeks later DS came, NICU, and now the dust is settling. I feel like I'm drowning in emotions. I hate my pile of maternity clothes. They were all donated so I didn't have anything else to wear until about a month ago when I forced myself to buy some normal things - non-maternity, non-donated, things that were me. It was amazing to get so many clothes, but only had them for a month before I didn't need them anymore. I'm having a harder time talking to pg women who are further along in their pg...really hard. I don't know what to say without sounding bitter and resentful.

MrsLee22

urbanflowerpot:

sucrets4:

katie4253:

Being able to talk about it on here with people who understand is probably more therapeutic than anything else.

This is what helps me. Here and a group on FB (PM me if you'd like to link up via that). It's surrounding myself with people who 'get it', even if it's online. I'm having a really hard time coping, myself. I was seeing a therapist all during my pregnancy who specializes in pg, but *for me* this did not help much. She doesn't have children and hasn't been there. I feel like I needed someone who has. My situation is all wacky because we had that house fire, my cats died, then five weeks later DS came, NICU, and now the dust is settling. I feel like I'm drowning in emotions. I hate my pile of maternity clothes. They were all donated so I didn't have anything else to wear until about a month ago when I forced myself to buy some normal things - non-maternity, non-donated, things that were me. It was amazing to get so many clothes, but only had them for a month before I didn't need them anymore. I'm having a harder time talking to pg women who are further along in their pg...really hard. I don't know what to say without sounding bitter and resentful.

This, SO MUCH this. It doesn't help that I have a LOT of very close friends that either are pregnant or recently had their babies - my very best friend is included here and she's due in August. She's around 31 weeks now I think? And it is SO HARD for me to be around her. And I hate THAT because I love her dearly and I WANT to be happy for her and I am but it's just hard.

kaylaaimee

you don't have to not cry. the best thing someone did for me was just sit and cry with me instead of trying to find something to say

Cara03

AggieBeth06:

I have had another situation that I can relate to from years ago. It gets esker as time goes by, but there may always be something that triggers the emotions.
 

The first step is truly letting go of the guilt. You did nothing wrong. Just remind yourself that you are an awesome mom and have taken the surprises so well!

 I agree that a counselor would be a food idea even if you aren't sure you need it. They can help you process your feelings and help you find new ways to think about it all.
<r>
<r> The best thing you can do for her is to listen and empathize.
<r>
<r> ETA: I realized after I posted this that i may have projected my feelings into my advice. I have no idea if you feel the way I have. My point is that taking time to consider the feelings behind the emotions and dealing with those are critical to fully healing. Good luck and ((( hugs)))

 This has been true for my eperience. I did have PTSD and working through different therapy techniques helped reframe the experiences for me and helped me to embrace the memories rather than fear them. There's still lots of emotion in the memories, but the guilt is practically gone. I also second another PP who said that perhaps the best thing you can do is cry with your cousin's wife.

sucrets4

Thanks, everyone.  I appreciate all your stories and opinions.  She still hasn't called me yet, but I think the time has helped me deal with my emotions.