What I wouldn't give

Chitown chic

I've been feeling a bit reflective lately. Our little Michaela continues to do well, but a couple we met recently in her room with twins born at 28 weeks buried their week-old son a few days ago. He suffered a pretty severe brain bleed, and they had to make the decision as to whether they wanted to keep him on life support or not.

It was a sad reminder of just how fragile life is, and how different Michaela's story could have been. There's still no guarantee she's coming home with us -- things could turn on a dime and head south quickly.

I posted this narrative I wrote recently on the Caring Bridge blog we've been keeping to update friends and family on Michaela's progress, and I thought many of you preemie moms out there might be able to relate:

What I wouldn't give
...To have had a stranger come up to me on the street when I was pregnant and ask "When are you due?"
...To have stretch marks on my belly right now -- over a month before my due date -- instead of bags under my eyes.
...To wake up at 3am to a hungry newborn crying instead of an alarm alerting me that I need to express my breast milk.
...To walk down the hall instead of driving a half-hour to see my baby?s face every morning.
...To not have to change my baby's diaper through two portholes in an incubator.
...To start my day without hearing or speaking the words ?morning rounds.?
...To dress my daughter without being worried I'm going to pull out a tube or IV.
...To give my baby a bottle without worrying whether it's sapping the energy she needs to keep herself warm.
...To see my daughter's grandparents, aunts, uncles and the rest of our friends and family hold her in their arms.
...To look at all the beautiful baby gifts we've received over the last few weeks from friends and family and not wonder whether we'll have a baby come home to use them.

I hope and pray that some day soon these experiences will eventually come, but in the meantime, I'm thankful for:
...Days that I don't have to watch my baby get another IV put in.
...Days when the doctors increase my daughter?s breast milk feedings and lower her IV fluids.
...Days she gains weight -- even if it's only a few grams and everyone in the NICU thinks it's just poop that hasn't come out yet.
...Days she poops!
...Days I get to hold my sweet daughter without the nurse needing to increase her oxygen level.
...The nurses and doctors who work so hard to help keep my daughter alive.
...Friends and family that show their love and support in so many ways.

Denesdia

I couldn't have said it better.  Beautiful.

ijack

Hugs to you! I really needed this reminder today, so thank you for posting it

jjilly7

so very true

katie4253

Thinking of you!

Natalie_may

love this, thank you.

 

I've been working on the baby book and find myself re-living the NICU, I needed this today. 

Lorange-8

This is beautiful! Thank you for posting this.

Deblondie1

Wow... I don't think I've seen anything that captured the experience as well as what you wrote. And I'm sorry we all share it.

jacque_z

You have me in tears.  Beautifully written.  I hope your LO comes home soon!

damabo80

Very touching, and true.

njdcgirl

Very well said.  ((HUGS))

I think back to the NICU all the time, and am grateful every.day that my son is here with me.  I can't wait for your day to come when you get to go home with your LO.  And I'm so sorry for your NICU neighbor's loss.  Thanks for this post.

AggieBeth06

This moved me. I pray that you will have all if those experiences soon.

Every day is one day closer to coming home. Hope is a big part of the ride... it counteracts the fear.

You are doing a great job! thanks for sharing.

urbanflowerpot

::tears::