harsh punishment?

ali-1411

Can you retract a harsh punishment?  Was this even too harsh?

Jakob and DH were playing a video game.  Jakob fidgets with things, honestly I don't think he even realizes he's doing it until its done.  So he's messing with the little rubber caps on the Playstation controller, the ones covering the joystick things.  And they rip off.  Shocker.

DH was pretty annoyed and said Jakob wouldn't get his allowance until he had paid for a new controller.  The kid already had $12 saved up for our Michigan trip and he earns $5 a week.  New controller costs...what?  $50?  So there's no money for Michigan and no allowance for the next 8 weeks.  

Later on, DH was able to superglue the rubber caps back on the controller.  

So we're torn.  Jakob needs to learn to respect people's property.  Even his own, he barely takes care of his own crap.  Extremely annoying.  But the controller is fixed, so should he still pay for a new one?  But we already told him the punishment, do we lose anything by retracting it?  

HSartteach

I can't answer the question about losing anything to retract the punishment.

However, what if you watched him save his money for 2 weeks, then told him that you saw how hard he was "working" to save his money to replace the controller that you thought he had saved enough already.

Don't know if that will set a bad president (sp?) either.

Emer

What about sitting him down and telling him the situation? That you know he's saving money for the trip and all summer without an allowance feels harsh, particularly when the controller was able to be fixed. But, you are frustrated that he doesn't take care if his/your stuff and y'all work together on a new punishment. I think one suggestion could be he can't play video games until he's able to show respect for your things. Maybe that means helping wash the car, laundry, or something else. Let him take some of the responsibility for working trough the situation. And if he doesn't, you can always keep your current punishment.

Slobina

HSartteach:

Don't know if that will set a bad president (sp?) either.

I don't have any input, but the spelling nerd (and two-time spelling bee winner, ahem) in me has to correct you.  The word you are referring to is precedent. 

 

HSartteach

Slobina:

HSartteach:

Don't know if that will set a bad president (sp?) either.

I don't have any input, but the spelling nerd (and two-time spelling bee winner, ahem) in me has to correct you.  The word you are referring to is precedent. 

 

thanks. :-)  I wasn't sure how to spell it.  I knew it had a "c" in it, but other than that...

Duckie07

First, I would let him keep the $12 he's already saved up for his trip.  I would then explain to him why he needs to replace the controller--it's a consequence of him not taking care of his things properly.  I would then let him know that he needs to start taking better care of his (and other people's) property.  Maybe even give him more opportunities than just his allowance to earn money, like doing extra chores around the house, that way it doesn't take him all summer to save for a new controller. 

Honestly, if I saw that he was working hard to earn the money and you saw an improvement of how he's taking care of his things, I would probably split the cost of the controller with him.  Explaining, of course, why--you saw that he was really working hard and taking care of things,etc.  I don't think you'll any respect by doing this.  I actually think it'll show him that his hard work and doing what you've asked (taking better care of things) didn't go unnoticed.  Now, if he chooses not to take on extra chores and continues to not take care of his stuff, I'd just let him pay for the whole controller. 

HSartteach

Duckie07:

First, I would let him keep the $12 he's already saved up for his trip.  I would then explain to him why he needs to replace the controller--it's a consequence of him not taking care of his things properly.  I would then let him know that he needs to start taking better care of his (and other people's) property.  Maybe even give him more opportunities than just his allowance to earn money, like doing extra chores around the house, that way it doesn't take him all summer to save for a new controller. 

Honestly, if I saw that he was working hard to earn the money and you saw an improvement of how he's taking care of his things, I would probably split the cost of the controller with him.  Explaining, of course, why--you saw that he was really working hard and taking care of things,etc.  I don't think you'll any respect by doing this.  I actually think it'll show him that his hard work and doing what you've asked (taking better care of things) didn't go unnoticed.  Now, if he chooses not to take on extra chores and continues to not take care of his stuff, I'd just let him pay for the whole controller. 

Wow...much better explained than what I did.  I agree with this.

KDM2006

I don't like the idea of "punishment" in the first place, especially on something like this.  (Probably a whole other post, but I've been reading a lot of books lately on this sort of thing)  However, I would probably take away his privileges of being able to play video games until he can show more respect towards everything else you are talking about.  I know it's probably a pretty sticky situation to be in telling him one thing and then going back on your word and telling him something else afterwords, but I'm sure you can just explain to him that when you/your DH had told him that, he wasn't thinking about how possible that kind of situation would be for him, so you are going a different direction instead.

PrincessBrideSarah

Maybe--since the item was able to be fixed--you could have him pay for the cost of a tube of superglue. Then, you could have him do extra chores/work around the house lasting the amount of time that it would have taken to go to the store, buy the superglue, and then fix the controller. Maybe do these extra chores during a time that something fun or good is happening (like his favorite TV show).

The first consequence was attempting to be a natural/logical consequence--if you break something, you have to replace it.

This other set of consequences is also attempting to be logical/natural--if you break something that can be fixed, you have to take the time to go to the store, buy the repair supplies using money you want to spend on something else, and then spend time fixing the broken item--time you would probably prefer to be using doing something fun.

The final step would be to ask him to discuss how his breaking the controller affected other people (dad spent time fixing the controller, other people couldn't enjoy the game while the controller was broken, etc) and what he could do differently in the future to show that he has learned something from this experience. 

I do think you should explain that you are changing the consequence because the controller was able to be fixed and that the new consequence is in response to that.

ali-1411

Awesome ideas.  Thanks

amyliisa

PrincessBrideSarah:

Maybe--since the item was able to be fixed--you could have him pay for the cost of a tube of superglue. Then, you could have him do extra chores/work around the house lasting the amount of time that it would have taken to go to the store, buy the superglue, and then fix the controller. Maybe do these extra chores during a time that something fun or good is happening (like his favorite TV show).

The first consequence was attempting to be a natural/logical consequence--if you break something, you have to replace it.

This other set of consequences is also attempting to be logical/natural--if you break something that can be fixed, you have to take the time to go to the store, buy the repair supplies using money you want to spend on something else, and then spend time fixing the broken item--time you would probably prefer to be using doing something fun.

The final step would be to ask him to discuss how his breaking the controller affected other people (dad spent time fixing the controller, other people couldn't enjoy the game while the controller was broken, etc) and what he could do differently in the future to show that he has learned something from this experience. 

I do think you should explain that you are changing the consequence because the controller was able to be fixed and that the new consequence is in response to that.

Yep.  This sounds like exactly something my dad would have done (if he had taken the time to rationally think through the problem, which he didn't always).  I also feel like it's okay for y'all to talk to Jakob and tell him "After thinking about it, and realizing we could fix the controller, we realized that Dad may have reacted a little too quickly and strongly.  But we agree that it's still very important for you to understand the consequences of damaging others' property.  Since the controller is able to be fixed, we've decided to give you a choice.  You have the choice of using your allowance to buy a new one, OR giving up your video game privileges until you can show us that you can treat others' things with more respect". 

Again, this is something my dad did with us, when he flew off the handle once and announced that I was grounded all.summer.long.  After thinking about it more, he decided that was too harsh, and let me help determine my punishment by giving me a choice between 2 or 3 equally undesirable things.  Obviously, I never forgot that he was humble enough to tell me he'd made a rash decision and that was a mistake, and that he gave me the opportunity to help solve hte problem of my punishment.  I think it might give Jakob even a little more respect for you, to let him know that his parents are human and sometimes make mistakes too, but they take responsibility for them.  (or is he too young for that concept - I can't remember how old he is!)

fjaril

I think others have had good advice, mine pertains to the manner in which he was punished.

I can appreciate that he's at an age where he _should_ be taking care of his things and that it causes frustration. That said, when you punish, doing it in the heat of the moment is never a good idea. It would be better to stop playing and step away for a moment letting him know that you feel he needs a consequence for his actions and you'll let him know what it is.

You also mentioned you don't think he knows he doing the fidgeting. It sounds like a tick/involuntary thing and while I suppose some feel that to curb it, punishment is needed. I would have a hard time punishing for something that he might not be away he's doing.

 

misjenn

I agree with fjaril here. It doesn't sound like he intentionally tried to break the remote. It sounds as if he has a nervous habit that he was subconsciously doing and accidentally broke it. I don't understand why there is a big need to punish him for an accident. Yes I get he needs to respect other people things and all but he wasn't intentionally trying to disrespect the object. It's not like he left it in the middle of the room and his dad stepped on it or threw it because he was mad at the game. Another thing is, if you don't think he respects or cares for his things why is he playing with such an expensive toy?

ali-1411

misjenn:

I agree with fjaril here. It doesn't sound like he intentionally tried to break the remote. It sounds as if he has a nervous habit that he was subconsciously doing and accidentally broke it. I don't understand why there is a big need to punish him for an accident. Yes I get he needs to respect other people things and all but he wasn't intentionally trying to disrespect the object. It's not like he left it in the middle of the room and his dad stepped on it or threw it because he was mad at the game. Another thing is, if you don't think he respects or cares for his things why is he playing with such an expensive toy?

To both you and fjaril

Good points.  And huge part of the problem is he doesn't really care.  That became obvious to me when I was talking to him this morning.  He doesn't understand why the little rubber covers matter, since the controller would work without them.  He's not showing much remorse for breaking it, intentional or not.

So yeah.  He's banned from video games indefinitely.

He also can't find two of his Nintendo DS games.  That's all currently packed up away in my closet.

ARRRGGHHH.  Kids are freaking ridiculous these days.  They are surrounded by technology and gadgets and everything is so easily replaced, they take it all for granted.  You wouldn't believe how many of his friends (8 and 9 yr olds!!!) have iPod Touches and their own PS3's and cell phones.  There was a kid on his bus last year with a freakin iPad.    

We try to make him work to earn these things but it just makes him bitter because his friends don't have to do anything for it.

HSartteach

ali-1411:

ARRRGGHHH.  Kids are freaking ridiculous these days.  They are surrounded by technology and gadgets and everything is so easily replaced, they take it all for granted.  You wouldn't believe how many of his friends (8 and 9 yr olds!!!) have iPod Touches and their own PS3's and cell phones.  There was a kid on his bus last year with a freakin iPad.    

We try to make him work to earn these things but it just makes him bitter because his friends don't have to do anything for it.

This is my problem with kids today.  They think everything is replaceable and they have no respect for the gadgets/technology.  I have kids who show me their broken iPhone screens like it's no big deal to have to go buy another one.  DH keeps mentioning that we should get DS an iPad.  I keep saying no...he's just going to break it.  My nephew ruined his touch phone and thank gawd his mom didn't replace it.  She gave him an old clam shell and he is so not happy.  Maybe this will help him to realize that he needs to be more careful.

fjaril

I can understand what you are saying for sure. Heck sometimes _I_ think "we'll just go replace it" and then I realize, uhm that stuff isn't free...

It's jsut a sign of the times : I'm sorry things are frustrating right now.