Opinion on second chances
I have been lurking for a while now...... I have two kids (DS = 4, DD = 1.5) and have been watching H go down hill since before our DD was born (she was an oops). Just to give you a little background.....
He has been verbal and emotionally abusive to me but also to DS and starting on DD and although he only laid his hands on me once, he started to get "too rough" in his discipline of DS and occassional handling of DD. I begged for over a year for him to get help with anger management, parenting, communication, etc. but he always put the blame back on me. Some people had made comments to me that if I didn't do something then they may need to call CAS.
CAS indicated that they had concerns and wanted to see the kids away from under the same roof until they could look into it and a situation had me taking the kids and going to my parents to get away from him.
I have a lawyer and am pursuing a separation. My question is that he wanted a second chance and I said that I would be willing to go forward with the separation but act like a "trial" separation for the next 6 months to give him a chance to get himself some help. I would stay in the house with the kids and he would go 5 mins away to his mom's and when he had the kids, he would move back in and I would go to my parents.
He is constantly asking me why I wrecked our family, why I think that having him live separately is beneficial for our kids..... he sends me between 20 - 50 text messages a day and calls at least twice. He doesn't seem to be trying at all.
Most of my friends and family want me to just get rid of him because they don't think that he will ever change, I am just unsure, but I don't know why.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Re: Opinion on second chances
So, he's been emotionally and verbally abusive to you.
He's been physically abusive to you and your children.
CAS wants you and your children away from him.
Your family want you away from him.
Your friends want you away from him.
He is asking YOU why you wrecked your family.
He harasses you via text and phone calls.
And....you are unsure of what to do in the way of giving him another chance. Perhaps you should re-read this list. And, if you are still unsure, read it again. And then, if still unsure, re-read again. And so on until it sinks in.
I think you need counseling in order to determine WHY you would EVER want to consider giving this marriage and this man a second chance. Period.
Believe it or not I am in counselling.
Over the past two weeks he has agreed to go to counselling (no proof) and take anger managment and parenting classes so CAS (Children's Aid) believes that they don't need to keep a case open but do like the arrangement.
He just called me at work and berated me for keeping him away from the kids (he sees them more now than he ever did before) and hung up.
The decision is there in front of me, its just so hard because my kids are so good and don't understand all of this. Thank goodness for short memories.
It IS hard. No one is disputing that. How old are your children? It's better that this happens when they are younger, they will adjust. It's better for them that they don't grow up witnessing their mom being abused, and being subject to abuse themselves.
It's our job here to give you the answers that you know you need to hear, but don't want to. Show your children how strong you are. Do the right thing and walk away.
This is part of the emotional abuse toward you - blaming you for "wrecking" a family. You are unsure because of the co-dependency you have learned to live with for so long. IMO - listen to your family, get your own help via counseling, and you will be able to move on sooner than later.
If there is an allegation of abuse against your spouse, the kids (and yourself) should not be put back into the family home until steps are in place to protect in case he has a "relapse."
Who cares what he has agreed to?!? Until he has gone and has a steady amount of treatment for his issues, don't go back. You will just be continuing a cycle of abuse by letting him (and don't make excuses for him, that just makes you as guilty as him) abuse you and your children.
They are (almost) 4 (DS) and 18 months (DD). The morning my DS asked why I couldn't just be good and stop making Daddy mad is when I started to give my head a shake.
Thanks ladies. H is trying to BS me that he has "changed" in 3.5 weeks. What a bunch of garbage.
I'll stop lurking just to (hopefully) strengthen your resolve.
DH has only agreed to counseling. He hasn't actually GONE to counseling. He's only agreeing to it because that's what you want to hear. The fact that DS is saying things like "why couldn't you be good and stop making Daddy mad" is a clear sign of how much verbal abuse is going on at home. That is not the example your children need. Better to divorce now before it turns physically abusive.
Kids are resilient. You will all be better off in the long run.
"The morning my DS asked why I couldn't just be good and stop making Daddy mad is when I started to give my head a shake."
This tells me that your son is learning to identify with his abuser-father. You do not want him to grow up like him. Leave now, before he is destroyed and before your baby learns it too.
http://oi62.tinypic.com/2w73hq9.jpg
This man is an abusive manipulator. If you want my opinion RUN do not walk to the nearest exit and don't look back!
If he has laid hands on you once he can do it agian and if he's not drawing the lines when it comes to your kids it will only get worse. Comments he's making about you "wrecking" your family are classic manipulation and meant to make you feel guilty and come running back.
He needs serious help and it does not sound like he's ready to face his real problems. It will take years of therapy (with him being a willing participant) before he will be ready to be a husband and father.
You can find the strength to do it for you and for your kids. Get into some counseling yourself because being with someone like that for however long you two have been together is damaging and you now have to work through some things because of what he's done to you.