s/o DHs changing with new baby

Banana44

This has been mentioned in a few posts lately - and I have a different persepctive than some, so I wanted to put my story out there.

When I met DH and SS, DH had EOW and Wednesday dinner visits.  DH was not a great parent.  He completely followed BMs lead - did not research anything on his own - if SS became too difficult (temper tantrums were common) he would send SS back to BM - and if BM called and said that SS wasn't feeling well, DH would let SS stay with BM.

And prior to the divorce from BM - DH freely admits that he was barely a parent.  He would purposely work late and would accept trips for travel even if it was not mandatory.  He loved his son - but his marriage was horrible and being in his home was miserable!

But, even back then, I knew DH was a great man and was going to be a great father.  All he needed was help and to be empowered, and I helped with that.  He had never been around children prior to having SS and his Ex (BM) told him all the time that everything he did was wrong - screamed at him for holding SS the wrong way, reacting the wrong  way, feeding the wrong way - you name it - he did it wrong.  If you are told you suck long enough, you believe you suck!

I bought DH parenting books, exposed him to my 10 nieces and nephews and their parents (they all parent differently) and talked to him about how I would like to parent.  DH started standing up to BM (which BM didn't like) got more custody and really started bonding with SS and learning how to be a parent (not a fun Disney Dad).  And I have to say, it wasn't about me thinking I was special or that my child would be special - it was about me knowing he was a great man who truly loved his son - but he didn't know HOW to be a parent!

And I cna proudly say that DH is an amazing Dad to SS and DD.  He helps with their care, and getiing them to school, baths, bedtime, discipline, he coaches sports and most importantly - he is there!  He does everything in his power to spend as much time with his kids as possible - a complete 180 from when SS was born. 

He still has a hard time putting DD's hair into pig tails - but he's working on it!

So - I really think and deadbeat Dad is a deadbeat Dad.  I think a DIsney Dad won't likely change.  But I think if you know the man is a good honest loving man - and he just is lost - then maybe he will be a good father.

I think that Mr. Phantom is going to be a good Dad, and I think he can become a better Dad than he currently is for his son - but give him the time to grow and learn.  When push comes to shove - he is there for his son - he doesn't tuck tail and run - and that is a sign of his character.

Sorry - got long - but I think sometimes we need to realize that these men are as affected by their partners as anything else - and sometimes a new partner can change a man - just like the right partner has made each of us a more fulfilled person!

Jessys_Girl

I agree with this!

My DH was the same way as yours.  When he and BM broke up, he just sort of let her over run him and he let her take control because he didn't really know HOW to take control and be a good parent.  He just let her dictate to him what his role should be.

When I came along and began to bond with his kids, I realized there was something HUGE missing and I talked with DH about it.  He began to see that his passive "roll over and take it" attitude toward BM was just going to hurt his kids in the long run because they would feel that he didn't fight for them.  So he started to fight for them...and we have more visitation, more say in decisions (re: school/medical/etc) and best of all, more of a relationship with the kids than we ever did.

 And now that DD is here he's stepped up his game even MORE because he wants to make sure that 1) all the kids bond with each other/are a part of each others lives and 2) that he shows his two older kids that they are just as much a part of his life as DD is even though they don't live with us full time.

FutureMrsWittig

Ah, the age old question, is a hero born or made?

Life would be a bed of roses if you became a parent (or a good parent anyway) just by the sheer act of having a child (born).  But, most of us here know, that isn't the case.  At some point the right circumstances have to arise for most (made).

Well said, Banana44.

Littlejen22

I did not read the responses but I think your situation is the exception and not the rule.  You are very lucky your situation turned out good but you could have just as easily turned out to be one of the women we see on here complaining that their DH does not do enough when all the signs where there that he would not be an involved Dad.  I would never recommend to anyone to get involved with a man that was not already a great father and then have more kids with him or expect him to change, unfortunately most don't.

fellesferie

I think this is another one of those things where every family is different. But it is super important to recognize that some parents can change when the situation changes. 

My DH makes me a better mom. He supports me, he encourages me, he gives me breaks, and he's a great parenting partner. I'm able to do WAY more with the kids than I was when it was just DS and I was married to XH. XH refused to play with DS--he would even try to scare him away with a vacuum cleaner or other loud noise. He criticized me. He refused to help around the house. He'd just play computer games. So I was burnt out and depressed, and it resulted in me not doing my absolute best at being DS's mom. 

Prior parenting is a predictor of future parenting, but it's not the only factor. A lot of BMs on this board sound like VERY strong personalities and some of the dads seem to tend towards passivity until they realize that they CAN fight back. So that doesn't automatically point towards being a bad parent. 

Banana44

Littlejen22:

I did not read the responses but I think your situation is the exception and not the rule.  You are very lucky your situation turned out good but you could have just as easily turned out to be one of the women we see on here complaining that their DH does not do enough when all the signs where there that he would not be an involved Dad.  I would never recommend to anyone to get involved with a man that was not already a great father and then have more kids with him or expect him to change, unfortunately most don't.

I completely agree with you.  And DH had changed prior to me marrying or having more children with him.  I think that if he had remained a passive parent - not fighting for his son - and not learning how to parent on his own two feet, then I would not have stayed with him.  But honestly - as soon as he realized that he was not always wrong, and that he was capable of parenting without his Ex looking over his shoulder - he stood up and became the parent that was always hiding out of fear.

And I really do have to admit - he is a great Dad.  Get down on the floor and play games, sit at the desk and do homework, stand by our rules and values even when it means discipline, watch the kids sleep with a smile on his face - great Dad!  He just needed a little cheeleader to help him see for himself that he could be the Dad he is!

twinkl5379

I think you make a valid point, and it reminds me of my H in a lot of ways. Many on this board have said to me that my H won't be a good dad if we have children.

B/c he solves things in a man kind of way (which is sometimes kind of backwards). But like you, I am certain that my H has a very big heart and is a very patient and loving person. I know he could certainly make a great parent, and b/c of that I'm very much looking forward to having a child with him.

I was married before too, and I never felt this way with my X.