So it turns out, my DS is the bully

CanadianGurl

I took DS (almost 3) to an indoor playground yesterday, and he would running back to me occasionally saying he got hurt. A couple of times, another mom would tell me that he got shoved, but I never saw, he was always just out of my sightline. Towards the end of the first half hour there, he was shoving, smacking, and swatting at other kids if they tried going on the same equiptment he was on or in or anywhere near him. He was almost always smaller and younger than the other child involved, but didn`t seem to care. We spent another 1/2 hour there with me constantly following him around telling him to cut it out (to no avail) until we finallyl left. He's never really been all that social, but yesterday, I had 3 moms approach me asking for my son to apologize to their child. Even though their child wasn't physically hurt and I do think that the other moms were taking it too far approaching me like that, I understand their being upset, and I was mortified. Especially since I had already had DS apologize to each kid immediately after it happened.

Beyond time outs, making him apologizing, explaining why he can't push/hit and why he has to share, and obviously removing him completely, how do I get him to quit this? In a smaller environment with just a couple of kids, he is never like this. He'll tell me before we get wherever we are going that he doesn't want any kids there, but if I tell him which friend specifically is going to be there, he gets excited to see them. It is usually strange kids he doesn't get along with. WDID?

Leila'sMommy

My DD isn't necessarily the bully, but she definitely doesn't like other children playing with toys/equipment in a social setting (i.e. the science museum/the playground at the park). She pretty much disintegrates into tears and falls to the ground in a heaping pile of dramatic toddler tears. lol.

Basically, I give her three tries, any place we are at. So at the park, she has a HUGE issue with the slide. If other kids are on the slide, she freaks out because she thinks it's "her" slide. I explain to her that the slide belongs to everyone, and she needs to let the other children have turns. If she continues to cry and freak out, we leave. I have no problem picking up and leaving, and she knows that that's how situations like that will end if need be.

CanadianGurl

We had a big talk before going to the playground about sharing and being nice. And after I finally removed him (you're right, probably should have been sooner, and will be next time), he was telling his dad when he got home that he was bad (DS's words, not mine). Next time, I won't be bluffing when I tell him we're going to go. Thanks ladies!

KathrynMD

other moms came up to you asking for an apology?  Did their kids get hurt, were all the other kids perfect and taking turns and keeping their hands to themselves at all times?

That all sounds like pretty normal toddler behavior.  DD isn't terribly aggressive, but she holds her own and we rarely intervene - unless someone is genuinely being hurt - and the same if somebody pushes/shoves her at the playground.  They're all little brutes. 

chelwig89

Leila'sMommy:

My DD isn't necessarily the bully, but she definitely doesn't like other children playing with toys/equipment in a social setting (i.e. the science museum/the playground at the park). She pretty much disintegrates into tears and falls to the ground in a heaping pile of dramatic toddler tears. lol.

Basically, I give her three tries, any place we are at. So at the park, she has a HUGE issue with the slide. If other kids are on the slide, she freaks out because she thinks it's "her" slide. I explain to her that the slide belongs to everyone, and she needs to let the other children have turns. If she continues to cry and freak out, we leave. I have no problem picking up and leaving, and she knows that that's how situations like that will end if need be.

I'm sorry but this made me burst out laughing lol!

OP- I give my daughter a warning and am strict with her in public. I know a lot of people probably think I'm insane for telling her not to hit when her arm isn't raised, but I know the look in her eyes (lasers shoot out, I swear) when she is getting ready to hit. I will also put her in time out if we're out somewhere, and about then she has a meltdown and we leave. If she is going to be mean, we aren't going to play, it's as simple as that. I also make her say sorry if she does actually hit someone and if the parent is nearby I apologize to them. I would expect this if someone's child hit mine although when she gets hit/pushed at the playground, I have never had a child or parent apologize, they always just kind of scuttle away...

chelwig89

KathrynMD:

other moms came up to you asking for an apology?  Did their kids get hurt, were all the other kids perfect and taking turns and keeping their hands to themselves at all times?

That all sounds like pretty normal toddler behavior.  DD isn't terribly aggressive, but she holds her own and we rarely intervene - unless someone is genuinely being hurt - and the same if somebody pushes/shoves her at the playground.  They're all little brutes. 

I didn't think about that- if someone wacks my daughter and she gives it right back, I don't get in between it. Most of the time they each hit each other once and move on. Tots are pretty funny the way they'll do that and then go down the slide together, lol.

Also, when I worked at a daycare, if we had a bully in the room (a child who really every single day all day attacked the other kids) and one of the other kids wanted to wack them back, I/we let them. Like I said, they would do this and then go play together, and my daughter actually got one of the other little girls in the room to quit pulling hair because she got her back pretty well... I know this sounds bad to some parents, but I firmly believe in treating children I am taking care of the same way as I treat my own child. If she hit someone and they hit her back, she deserved it. Sorry, but you shouldn't have hit, and now you know how it feels.