Moms of 2(+) - did anyone else feel this way?

LawLove08

Please tell me how you felt about your second LO when they were newborn. ?Did you feel the instant bond/overwhelming love? ?Did anyone else feel more bonded to their first?

DD will be 3 weeks tomorrow. ?I love her, of course, in the way you automatically love your children. ?But I don't have that overwhelming love that I have for DS (and that I had for him from the moment he was born). ?It makes me cry to even write that, because I feel like the worst person in the world. ?I don't want to favor one child over the other, and I want to have a special bond with both of them. ?But this newborn stage is so hard, when she's not even smiling yet and is basically like a sleepy, hungry doll. ?Whereas DS is so fun right now, and is constantly giving me hugs, kisses, snuggles, etc.

Did anyone else feel this way? ?Please tell me this will get better...?

LoveEeyore

I can sort of relate.  I had a lot of guilt having the twins- in my mind I was ruining her perfect, idyllic life.  Then, when they were born, one was left in the NICU while the other came home.  I instantly bonded with the one that came home, but my poor sweet NICU baby was a duty... and I dutifully went to the NICu 4-5 times a day, toting his twin, leaving behind my beloved first.  When he came home I didn't feel attached to him.  I felt he was a stranger, cared for by someone else who was better trained to care for him than me.  Almost like he belonged to the nurses, not me.  It changed a lot after about 5-6 weeks.  Watching my daughter love him instantly really shook me to my selfish core. 

It is normal to an extent, but it wouldn't hurt to talk to your OB about PPD.

JLW10

Yes, I felt this way in the beginning as well. I really dislike the newborn phase also! Now that DD2 is smiling, cooing and interacting with us more it helps a ton. I am confident it will get better for you soon. : )

Echowysp

Aw, hon, you're still so post-partum and dealing with 2 kids at once.  You can't rely on your feelings being accurate right now.  Your hormones are a mess, you're probably tired and you are trying to figure out your new role of being a mom of 2.

I didn't have it the same way you did, but the opposite.  I didn't have much feeling for my first born until probably 3 months old.  I took care of him, but I'd cry inside when people would ask how much I must have loved him.  I'd smile and say the right things, but inside I'd wonder why I didn't gush with love. 

I can't say that I even gushed with love for my second, but I did feel more comfortable with her and adjusted way easier than with Adam.  I was on the go so much that she almost just fell into place. 

Don't worry, it's completely normal.  It;s not a sign that you're a bad mom, not going to bond with your baby or that you love one more than the other.  It just means you know your first born better and he is more interactive with you.  It will come with your second, believe me.  Faster than you realize.  And stop beating yourself up, ok?  YOu have enough on your plate as it is!

schnappycat

In all total honesty, I have never been the type to be instantly in love with my kids. It's been more of a slow process that grows each day. And I still feel more attached to DS, simply because he's been around longer. But that is just me and I know that's how I work for whatever reason. Don't get me wrong--I love DD, but it's still a bit different than the overwhelming love I have for DS. I think it's also because I just don't love infants the way other people do. Even with DS, I bonded much more when he was a toddler and I feel that way more each day with DD. It's probably not normal, but I really feel I have a slower, growing bond with each of my kids, instead of the instant love from birth that most women claim. 

mel72

I felt very guilty on both sides - that I wouldn't be able to give my toddler the same amount of attention as he was used to and that I wouldn't be able to give my NB the same amount of attention my oldest had.  You will see that things will get easier as you get more into a routine and you will adjust and that bond w/ your NB will get stronger.  Don't beat yourself up - your hormones are going crazy right now!  And Congrats to you : )

JOEBunny

I feel bad because I immediately loved my younger one and felt that I didn't love my older, more intense, more fussy (more like me) older child as much.  I still feel that way to some exstent.  I have to make a real effort not to be so hard on her.  Not that I don't love her, but she is mini me, and I know what she is in for with her intensity.  DS is easier and more content.  You can't win, love the younger, love the older. I suspect that it will change back and forth as they get older.  I try to be even in my outward love, even if my inward isn't always in balance. 

BabyCakes3

I think the 2nd one effects everyone different. I don't "resent" DD but I get so aggravated when she "bullies" DS. I was 4 yrs older than my brother & I was MEAN to him. I feel bad that DS doesn't get the one on one attention that DD had for 2 yrs.

 

Court0026

I took me a couple of months with each kid to really like them.  I mean, I loved them and all that, but neither was an easy baby, and I was so overwhelmed each time.  I guess it took us all awhile to "click".  My 2nd was a wreck for almost 6 months and it was really, really hard.  DS was so cute and fun and she was so miserable and awful.  LOL.  NOW, she is the cutest thing I could possibly imagine and he is a 2 year old brat.  I sort of have a theory that only one of them can be cute at a time.  Anyway, hang in there!  That part definitely gets better!

Emcat1980@yahoo.com

My tickers aren't working right....DS1 is 27 months and DS2 is 5 days.

I am really a brand new mom of 2, but it has been very odd. DS1 and I have always been extremely close...but the past few months w/ the 'terrible twos' and late pregnancy and stress over a move (next week!), I have definitely lost a lot of patience and been very frustrated w/ him way more than usual. I was very stressed/guilty about introducing a new baby and wrecking our routine, etc. When DS2 was born they put him on my chest and ALL I could think about was DS1. Seriously. I just cried missing my first baby and thinking about him.

However, in the few days since then, I have bonded intensely w/ DS2. It took me a lot longer to fall in love w/ DS1 actually - he was a 35 weeker and nursing was a nightmare for the first 6 wks and I was so overwhelmed. DS2 is a champion nurser and is just the cutest, chubbiest, easiest thing ever. I am already completely and madly in love with him, whereas I didn't even LIKE DS1 for about 2 months ( I hate to even type that, but it's true). Combine this intense feeling for DS2 w/ my difficult toddler and trying to pack/plan for 1000 mile move next week, I am actually feeling resentful towards DS1 these days........

I hope this evens out. I'm sure it will for both me and you.....

wyldirishrose12

I felt extreme guilt when i found out i was prego with my second. I was just recently divorced from my now 3 year olds father and was had only been with my BF for about 10months. I thought "oh great now ive ruined her life even more" I wondered all throughout my pregnancy if i was going to have it in me to love another child the way i loved DD1. it took me a while to bond with my firstborn. i had a horrible labor and she was taken to the NICU for 48hrs. So while all the women in the room had their babies, i didnt. it did take me maybe 2 months or so to get that connection with her. I was a brand new mom and had no idea what i was doing. Id say it was easier when DD2 was born. I had an instant connection, maybe b/c i was an experienced mother now.

chicsub

Mine was the opposite.  I felt immediate, overwhelming love for #2, but with #1 I didn't.  I know this sounds morbid, but with #1 I would play this "Who would I save, DH or DS?" game in my head and for awhile it was DH hands down.  I feel like mine might have been b/c of the recovery and c/s the first time, but who knows.  I think it's pretty normal either way.

sourapplemartini

JOEBunny:

I feel bad because I immediately loved my younger one and felt that I didn't love my older, more intense, more fussy (more like me) older child as much.  I still feel that way to some exstent.  I have to make a real effort not to be so hard on her.  Not that I don't love her, but she is mini me, and I know what she is in for with her intensity.  DS is easier and more content.  You can't win, love the younger, love the older. I suspect that it will change back and forth as they get older.  I try to be even in my outward love, even if my inward isn't always in balance. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you for saying this! I feel the exact same way about my two.  

ironmommy

I think it's really, really normal. In fact, a friend of mine who had her second last fall warned me that I might not feel such a strong bond with my son, and not to worry or feel bad if that were the case.

As it turned out, I felt guilty initially because my son seemed so much easier than my daughter! She was just wild and all over the place those first few weeks, and he seemed like the easy, sweet one. Things have evened out now, and I honestly feel an amazing amount of love for each of them - and I love the places they are right now, too. A 3-year-old can be a ton of fun, but a newborn snuggle is pretty darn nice, too.

Anyway, don't feel bad. It will come. It's good to be honest with yourself and maybe give yourself some time with the baby so you can connect. 

chelwig89

I don't have a newborn yet so I don't know for sure, but I've sort of felt like this my whole pregnancy This one was on purpose, too!

With the first pregnancy we had all of the first time parent excitement, and now it's more of an adding to our family excitement, but I'm ashamed to say that I don't feel as super-duper-excited as the first time Of course I love this baby, but I almost feel like I'm going through the motions. And with my first DD I read everything possible and this time around the most I'm getting about her development in the womb are the weekly emails from the bump

WestCoastMommy

Yes!!

g8orell

I'm the opposite, I didn't feel that crazy love for DD in the beginning. I think it was just overwhelming at first (reflux, colic, etc). Then when DS was born, it was that instant type love...I think I just know what it's like to "love" a child, so that's why it came earlier for me this time.

Either way - don't beat yourself up about it! I think almost all moms feel this way at some point, just no one talks about it!

jessjenks735

JOEBunny:

I feel bad because I immediately loved my younger one and felt that I didn't love my older, more intense, more fussy (more like me) older child as much.  I still feel that way to some exstent.  I have to make a real effort not to be so hard on her.  Not that I don't love her, but she is mini me, and I know what she is in for with her intensity.  DS is easier and more content.  You can't win, love the younger, love the older. I suspect that it will change back and forth as they get older.  I try to be even in my outward love, even if my inward isn't always in balance. 

This. i feel the same