NBR: How to help domestic violence victim

crystalpopcorn

Yesterday my nanny told me that her boyfriend is beating her. ?I guess he has done it multiple times. ?She will not tell me how often it happens. He is hitting and kicking her, but she will not go into details.

She will not call the police, because she doesn't want him to go to jail. ?Apparently the guy has three DUIs, so a domestic violence charge would land in in jail for 5 years (serves him right IMO). ?She is from Brazil and has no family here. I offered to let her stay with us for a month or two while she looks for her own place and while we work on her visa extension. ?She said no.

?She pays all of their bills, including the rent, even though everything is in her boyfriend's name. ?She says that since everything is paid for, she doesn't want to leave before November. ?Her plan is to live with him for the next two weeks "as roommates only" to see "how it goes". ?She does not think he will do it again, which is obviously a severe case of denial. ?She also assures me that if he tries to hurt her again, she will call 911. ?My next door neighbors are a police officer (not in the jurisdiction where she lives) and a U.S. Marshall. ?They have offered to help.??She said no. My husband is a black belt in Jujutsu. ?I told her that he could at least teach her self defense, so that she could disable him enough to run away and get help. ?She said she doesn't want to learn that. She is afraid that if she hurts him, he will hurt her worse. ?Remember--she previously said that he will never do it again. The fear of him hurting her worse and the thought that he will never do it again completely contradict each other.

?This is obviously a case of battered woman syndrome. ?She is in complete denial. ?I really don't know what to do. ?She has become my friend, and I really want to help her. ?Do you have any suggestions??

?TIA?

CD+AL

On some level, she's starting to look for help b/c she opened up to you.  That's a first step, but for a lot of women, it takes a long time to become open to the idea of involving law enforcement.  Try seeing if there is an organization that helps victims of domestic violence in your area.  We have several in our area, and they will be a great resource for you as you attempt to figure out how to handle this situation.  Plus, she may come around to the idea of talking to one of their counselors LONG before she would ever come around to talking to the police.

Another layer for her may be her country of origin.  I don't know how old she is, but Brazil has a history of law enforcement and government corruption.  It has been especially bad in some parts of the country.  It's much better than it once was, but that could cause her to distrust our law enforcement officers as well.

jeffs_baker

Unfortunately, there isn't much that you can or should do other than what you have already done. It is wonderful that you offered your support and many ways that your nanny can help herself with your support. If and when she is ready, she will take you up on it.

A few important things to know about domestic abuse victims.... the first is that the average victim tends to leave the abuser 7 times before actually leaving. It is very hard to leave an abuser, and the process is long and painful (both physically and emotionally). The second is that victims are in the most amount of danger for serious injury or death when they leave that 7th time. There are many thoughts about why this might be, ranging from the abuser knows it's real and lashes out stronger, to 7 being a threshold that everyone crosses (both victim and abuser), and many more. You can't push someone to leave before they are ready, because only they know the real danger that they are in if they do. For many, the abuse escalates every time they leave, making it harder and scarier to try to leave again. 

I don't know anything about the cultural differences, but I suspect that those will play a role as well.

Keep doing what you are doing. Offer support and assistance if she wants it. But don't push her to do anything she isn't ready for. You could lose her as a friend, she might stop confiding in you, or she could be pushed into a situation she wasn't ready to handle.

I'm so sorry you and a loved one are going through this. Good luck to you both.