IF girls...

1krazykitty

We went through several rounds of IVF before it worked, resulting in a twin pregnancy. I've seen some girls vent about comments made by people or just rude people asking if you have had IF treatment. How do you handle this? What do you say? Only a couple people know we did ivf, not even our parents know.

jcath

People ask me all the time if they are result of IF treatments - I actually don't mind b/c I'm 40 and I don't want to perpetuate the myth that you can easily get pregant at that age (though I know it happens)

If you don't want to discuss it you can just a) ignore the question or b) say something like we're just thrilled to have them any way they got here.

Frankly you can just say NO - it's none of their business.

atc282

Congrats on your twins!

 IF, IMO, is a personal struggle and not one I am totally open to talk with everyone about. While I did tell my friends and family, my DH has been very private about it (he eventually told his parents but I still don't think any of his brothers/sisters know).

To those we don't choose to share that we did IVF, we just say something along the lines of "We were really surprised and feel really blessed!"--most don't question further and we let them assume what they want. While we transferred 2 embryos I think it's legit to say we were still surprised to find out we actually were carrying multiples on that 1st ultrasound.

I think it's totally up to you and your SO to decide what you feel comfortable/not comfortable sharing. GL

groovygrl

To me it depends on how/what they ask. There are all those coy responses if they ask things about them being 'natural' etc (even though my opinion is that if you answer 'no, they're artificial' or whatever, most people will pretty much assume you used some kind of assistance b/c of the defensiveness of the response, which I didn't really care about but if you really don't want people to know, that might be harder) but if they straight out ask if you used any treatments, you're pretty much stuck b/w truth & fiction or telling them it is personal/inappropriate to ask (which takes me back to my last point about the assumption that would be made). I only had 2 people ask me straight out- one was a coworker who I didn't mind saying, oh well we had a little help (and then dropped it) and one was a student of mine, it was extremely inappropriate & luckily I was talking to someone else simultaneously & I ignored the question and continued talking to the other person about whatever she had asked me. 

But, if your parents asked you, then I guess you have to decide if you're going to be honest or not. Do you think they'd have an objection to it?  

I will say that since having my kids, I'm much more comfortable being open about it all than I was when we were trying or when we were pg. Our families always knew & close friends, but if it somehow comes up in conversation at work or with other friends now, I don't really avoid the topic anymore. You're more secure about it once they're born maybe.  

ETA I like the examples from PPs about being surprised & blessed depending on the question but if someone says "Did you use fertility treatments?" and you say "We were really surprised & feel blessed", it doesn't really make sense to me & seems evasive. As everyone said, you need to just figure out what you & your H are comfortable with. 

 

 

google123

I think it's totally up to you who you decide to tell.  If you want to tell people they were natural, so do it. 

StarLightStar22

For me it just depends who is asking. A lot of people so far have just asked me if twins run in the family and my response is "they do now!." I always get a laugh and the conversation usually moves on. I have had one of two people ask me if they were results of IF and most the time I usually say yes but never go into what kind of therapy we chose.

Temp6313048411121614

Mine aren't from IVF or anything so take it with that in mind.  I've never been asked if we had any assistance, I've been asked if they run in the family which I think for some people is a round about way to ask if they were conceived with assistance (other than DH of course).  You can get personal with them too and ask what their favorite sex position is, you can tell them the truth, you can lie.  How your babies were created is your business and you can tell them whatever you want.

1krazykitty

Thank you for all the wonderful responses! I'm the type of person that might freeze or get instantly upset when confronted with something so personal. So I think it would be best if I had some good responses loaded.

My inlaws wouldn't be against the idea, but my MIL loves gossip and she wouldn't be able to keep this to herself. FIL would take it to the grave with him, but he might be insensitive about it...same with my dad. 

 I'm sure someday I will be less sensitive about the journey we have gone through to get here, but as of now I just want to keep it between us. 

Kristen61607

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I'm open about my IF for the most part, but I did IUI not IVF. Either way - I tell most people I did IUI to get pg with my twins if I know the person a bit. If some random customer comes into work and says "do twins run in your family?" my response is "they do now!" and that's that. 

rjl07

It's definitely up to you if you are comfortable discussing it.  Like PP, I just turned 40 so I'm open about it with most people.  Most of our friends and family knew we had been trying for a while anyway and just about all of my friends have had IF issues of varying degrees so we all knew what the others were going through. 

That being said, I do agree with those who say it depends on who asks.  My cousin has repeatedly asked if twins run in DH's family and I just ignore her.  They are actually a few sets of twins on DH's side, but that's irrelevant here so I don't mention it. 

Congrats on your pregnancy!

illinigal

DH and I haven't discussed that question yet.  I would likely tell anyone that asked because I don't think people realize how common IF is.  DH is more private and wouldn't tell anyone except family and really close friends.  The good news (sorta) is that my older sister has twins which are just random, they didn't have any fertility treatments.  I'm hoping some people that know that just assume they run in the family whether it's true or not.

Mrs. Alice

I'm not an IFer, but in my experience so far most people don't directly ask you if you used fertility treatments.  I've never had a stranger ask me that question, but a few curious coworkers did.  The MOST common question is "do twins run in your family?"  It's really a personal decision about what you want to share.  Multiples always make people interested and curious, but when it comes down to it, it's none of their business how they were conceived.

Thisgirlslife

We don't get asked much because our twins are our 4th and 5th...so I think most assume we are fertile mertyls ( or die hard Catholics) when in actuality we are just certifiable.  But if people ask, I am actually quite proud to tell them that our babies were little frozen snowflakes to begin with.  I think mostly because there should be no shame in IF and because of the awesomeness of God and science combined.  I know it's really none of peoples business how our children were created...but if they ask~ well, it is what it is, and I think it's super cool~ we have 4 IVF babies and each were complete miracles. 

Temp123197812503460

I've heard the response, "why do you ask". It reflects the question back to them without being rude, and for some people they may be going through treatment themselves

LakeGenevaBride

Congratulations on your pregnancy!  We didn't tell very many people that we doing IVF.   Its good to have a couple responses ready though b/c I was asked flat out by several people if we used fertility drugs, if they were "natural", if we had "help", if they ran in our family, etc.   Sometimes I evaded the question, sometimes I told the truth and that actually made people uncomfortable, sometimes I lied, and sometimes I asked them how their children were conceived.   It kind of depended on the day and if I was close to them or not.  Funny thing is that I felt more comfortable telling complete strangers and acquaintances of my IVF babies than closer friends and family.   As pp mentioned, after the babies were born, I felt more comfortable talking about our IVF.  I certainly don't bring it up, but I don't feel as defensive about it anymore.  Turns out most of my family kind of suspected anyways (perhaps turning down every baby shower invite was a clue).   GL to you.  

hunt2005

I like the "Why do you ask?" response. Then you can find out if it's just them not knowing what else to say when they find out it's multiples, or if they are experiencing IF, or if they're just a nosy person.

It depends on HOW people ask me. If they ask "Do triplets run in your family?" we normally answer "Yes, on my DH's side." It's an inside joke for us, because while he does have triplet cousins, 1) We know that that doesn't increase our odds at all, and 2) They were IF babies too... so it's fun for us to watch their reactions and see if they know anything about the genetics of it.

If they ask "Are they natural?" I just stare at them and ask "What else would they be?"

If they ask "Were they from that IVF thing?" (I've actually gotten that exact question before) I say no and leave it at that. It's too much work to explain IUI to people who don't even know what that "IVF thing" is in the first place