Frustrated with lack of support

kcvasquez

I knew this day would come but it still frustrates me that it happened. We told my mother in-law (an OB nurse) and sister in-law (a NICU nurse) about the pregnancy tonight and with DS being born via C-section the first words that came out of their mouths were "You're going to have another C-section right?" and "Please don't do a VBAC, why would you want to do that?" I knew from the beginning after DS was born both of them were very anti-VBACs but I hate that this early in my pregnancy they are already telling me not to do it. DS was born due to failure on my part to progress, I was induced with him which obviously ups the c-section risk from the get go.

 My OB doctor whom both of them have worked with and who both say is an amazing doctor gave me the okay for a VBAC as long as things progress the way a healthy pregnancy should. I have started to read up on successful VBACs and tips on how to labor successfully, I am just wondering what are some things/reasons/facts on why a VBAC is better than a repeat section. And how I can come back with educated reasons on why I am going to try for a VBAC. Any info would help! Thank you!!

lorryfach

Do you need to justify your choice to them? I don't mean that in a snarky way, but seriously. Sometimes our instinct is to defend our choices when it isn't actually important. It might be better to just say that it's between you and your doctor, and not up for discussion.

If you do think it would make your life easier to confront their concerns, consider having them talk directly to the OB. Otherwise, I'd point them to the ACOG recommendations that say VBAC is safe.

iris427

lorryfach:

Do you need to justify your choice to them? I don't mean that in a snarky way, but seriously. Sometimes our instinct is to defend our choices when it isn't actually important. It might be better to just say that it's between you and your doctor, and not up for discussion.

If you do think it would make your life easier to confront their concerns, consider having them talk directly to the OB. Otherwise, I'd point them to the ACOG recommendations that say VBAC is safe.

ITA

I worry that if you try to defend your choice to them, they will interpret it as an invitation to keep debating this with you and trying to change your mind.  But if you want to, I think Lorry's suggestion of showing them the ACOG guidelines is a good one.

In case you don't have it already, here are the links:

https://www.acog.org/from_home/publications/press_releases/nr07-21-10-1.cfm 

https://www.ourbodiesourblog.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/ACOG_guidelines_vbac_2010.pdf 

lkf041

I've come across the same type of reactions from our family.  At this point I just don't bring it up to anyone but my DH.  It stinks not having their support but honestly they wouldn't be in the delivery room anyway.  I'm looking into getting a doula for added support, maybe that would help you as well.

 

michaels_lovely

I would not discuss it with them to be honest.  Bringing them reasons as to why you want to do this may be interrpreted(sp) an an invitation for them to keep arguing with you about it.  If you choose to still discuss the reasons with them, ICAN has some great resources.

rena5498

I agree with everyone else. Quite frankly there is no need,to prove your point unless its to your husband. I would keep the conversation between you 2 and thats it and make your dh aware you dont want the topic discusses with anyone else . If they were more supportive then thats different but it wont do anything but add more frustration. They will keep trying to talk you out of it, scare you with their stories. I wouldnt even have them talk to your doctor all of that is just too close for comfort IMO. I dont understand with them being nurses how they dont know its less riskier to have a vbac than a rcs. If their mind is already set with them against it to me there is just no convincing. I would just say that you want to have a trial of labor and the doctor they recommended is supportive of vbacs. Then leave it at that.

kcvasquez

lorryfach:

Do you need to justify your choice to them? I don't mean that in a snarky way, but seriously. Sometimes our instinct is to defend our choices when it isn't actually important. It might be better to just say that it's between you and your doctor, and not up for discussion.

If you do think it would make your life easier to confront their concerns, consider having them talk directly to the OB. Otherwise, I'd point them to the ACOG recommendations that say VBAC is safe.

 

It's not that I need to justify my choice to them, and I actually did not even bring up the fact that I wanted to VBAC. My sister in-law who was using my computer came across my computer history of searching successful VBACs. My thing is I don't want to come across as uneducated about VBAC's as well as a RCS, they think that because they work in that environment they know best (which is obviously not true). I have already told them this is our decision and we will only talk about it with our Dr. but I overheard my MIL talking to DH about it again last night and she said "I just don't know why she thinks she needs to do that." So while I don't want to have to defend my decision I feel that it is inevitable I will have to. Thank you for your response though, I greatly appreciate all feedback!

lorryfach

I agree in your case you do need to say something, but it's hard to say exactly what without knowing the people involved!

My mom said the same thing, that she didn't understand. I said, "you don't need to understand. I can try to explain, but whether you understand or not isn't a factor in my decision." Granted, she's not in the medical field, but that worked with her. She didn't bring it up again. That would have never worked on my husband, though. It just depends! I hope you find the words that 'work' for your in-laws. Good luck!

rena5498

kcvasquez:

lorryfach:

Do you need to justify your choice to them? I don't mean that in a snarky way, but seriously. Sometimes our instinct is to defend our choices when it isn't actually important. It might be better to just say that it's between you and your doctor, and not up for discussion.

If you do think it would make your life easier to confront their concerns, consider having them talk directly to the OB. Otherwise, I'd point them to the ACOG recommendations that say VBAC is safe.

 

It's not that I need to justify my choice to them, and I actually did not even bring up the fact that I wanted to VBAC. My sister in-law who was using my computer came across my computer history of searching successful VBACs. My thing is I don't want to come across as uneducated about VBAC's as well as a RCS, they think that because they work in that environment they know best (which is obviously not true). I have already told them this is our decision and we will only talk about it with our Dr. but I overheard my MIL talking to DH about it again last night and she said "I just don't know why she thinks she needs to do that." So while I don't want to have to defend my decision I feel that it is inevitable I will have to. Thank you for your response though, I greatly appreciate all feedback!

rena5498

of course my cell is messed up but i was trying to quote what you said. People will never understand unless they experienced the strong emotions and feelings of not experiencing a vaginal birth. this is in regards to your MIL saying she dosent see why you feel you need to do this she never will...i didnt get my vbac and i will always feel like i didnt have the birthing experience i was meant to have. yes i have two healthy beautiful children but we all know that feeling deep down of not having a feeling of closure and not being at peace of having an unplanned csection. knowing we will never get a chance to push, see thebaby born, hold our baby right away, experiencing a safer delivery, and the list goes on. Thats why we feel we need to vbac and some just will never understand its like talking to a wall when trying to explain to some people.