How do you respond to a "no"?

ArcticFox

DD has really been pushing her limits lately.  For instance, we were at the mall and we passed Build a bear, and I said we couldn't go in.  She crossed her arms and said "No.  I am NOT moving from this spot".  Tonight she was supposed to go in time out and she said "No,"  Pretty much the same scenario.

I can't physically move her.. like at the mall I didn't have a stroller and I was holding the baby.  At home I didn't feel like dragging her upstairs.

I told her that things would be revoked (TV, special trip, etc) and I took a toy away, but she still wouldn't move.

I am so frustrated.  What do you do in these circumstances?

flyingsaucer

I read the book 123 Magic and it really helped.  It talked about not arguing with children, just "counting" when they do something you don't want them to.  You get to 3 and its a time out... no.matter.what.  With DS now, we usually don't have to get past 2 before he stops whatever he is doing.  Try the book, it really helped us

ArcticFox

This is the first time the 1-2-3 thing hasn't worked for us.  I haven't read the book, but 123 always worked until a couple "bad" times like I mentioned..

Pesky

"Oh, I see that coming to mall upsets you because you run into things you can't have.  Okay, I'll stop taking you to the mall.  next time, just me and the baby will go.  Don't you worry -- heard you loud and clear.  No more going to the mall for you!  Got it."

Now DD typically shrieks "no!" and I respond with a "oh, did you want to listen now so we can go together to the mall again?"  She acquieses pretty fast.  In the past, when she hasn't, I've been true to my word and left her at home reminding her of when she didn't listen.  And I have carried it out even further.  "wow, if you don't listen here, you probably wouldn't listen at the park so we probably shouldn't take you there either.  I bet the same would be at the pool and that could be dangerous."  Listening improved dramatically once she realized the impact of the message she was trying to send.  I just let it play out.

And FWIW, yes, I have dragged my kid places before.  did what I had to do.  Other option is to start walking away.   

cyndiathma

My son is only 2 so I am sure more serious testing of boundaries is in my future. I will tell you that I have chose not to resort to time out or 123. I do not believe either are realistic in the real world. 

We spend a lot of time talking and providing time for free play when he has free reign to choose his activities. I really found Simplicity Parenting to be an eye opening book. After clearing out the mountains of toys we are living a much more peaceful life.

HTH 

mbritto4

Usually I say "excuse me? What did you say?" If she's smart she mutters "nothing" but if the attitude is in full force and she repeats herself she gets time out and/or things taken away. The more difficult she is being the more is taken away. I am not looking forward to the attitude to come when her sister gets here.

mabma80

LMAO!!  1-2-3?!  That is the funniest thing ever.  I saw a mom use that at a store once, the kid was probably 3 or 4 years old. Guess what the kid started to do?  As soon as she got to "3", he started "4, 5, 6, 7,....".  The mom didn't know how to respond to that.  Cracked me up!  

I would go with the response from one of the above posters, that said something to the effect of "Oh, well I guess I can't bring you to the mall because you see things you like that you can't have."  etc....

I think that is a wonderful solution and I'm thinking of trying it out on my 4 year old.  My 3 year old says "no", and I just say "Ok, bye then" and start walking away. Next thing I hear is "Ok Mami, I'm coming!"  And he's right at my heels following me.  Unfortunately, he watches his big brother misbehave and he does the same.  So, I gotta work on my almost 5 year old.  : ) 

1CINCYGIRL

mbritto4:

Usually I say "excuse me? What did you say?" If she's smart she mutters "nothing" but if the attitude is in full force and she repeats herself she gets time out and/or things taken away. The more difficult she is being the more is taken away. I am not looking forward to the attitude to come when her sister gets here.

This . I have also told my son quietly in his ear "If you do not straighten up, I WILL put you in the corner right here in the store in front of everybody.  One day he didn't believe me and was in the corner at an electrical supply store for 5 min.  When I told him what to do and pointed to corner he said "are you for real?"( he was 4) I said "yes I am, and I will add another minute if you don't go right now." I have not had a problem like that since, when he acts up I say "remember the electrical store?" and he straightens up.

jlw2505

I live by a combo of 1 2 3 Magic and Lov and Logic.  I give my kids choices, we do time outs, I count to 3.  Attitude does not fly in my house and I have no issue letting my kids cry - DD#2 has been fighting bedtime tooth and nail and I ahve no issue kissing her, offering to tuck her in and then leaving - she sometimes cries - 1st night was 45 min and now it is anywhere from 1 min to 10min.  She has told me often that she wants to cry at bedtime and my response is always that is your choice to cry but it is not going to change when bedtime is.  For most other things (non safety related of course) my kids have a choice (always choices that I can live with).  If its clean up time because we need to leave to do something the choice is typically that we all help clean up (and we make it into a race or something else fun) or whoever doesn't help doesn't get to go.  I also use the "show me how much of a big girl you are by doing XYZ" with my 3 year old and it works great.  I put things back in them, let them feel like they are making a decision, are part of the process and not just being told what to do.

ecoppins

jlw2505:

I live by a combo of 1 2 3 Magic and Lov and Logic.  I give my kids choices, we do time outs, I count to 3.  Attitude does not fly in my house and I have no issue letting my kids cry - DD#2 has been fighting bedtime tooth and nail and I ahve no issue kissing her, offering to tuck her in and then leaving - she sometimes cries - 1st night was 45 min and now it is anywhere from 1 min to 10min.  She has told me often that she wants to cry at bedtime and my response is always that is your choice to cry but it is not going to change when bedtime is.  For most other things (non safety related of course) my kids have a choice (always choices that I can live with).  If its clean up time because we need to leave to do something the choice is typically that we all help clean up (and we make it into a race or something else fun) or whoever doesn't help doesn't get to go.  I also use the "show me how much of a big girl you are by doing XYZ" with my 3 year old and it works great.  I put things back in them, let them feel like they are making a decision, are part of the process and not just being told what to do.

This is pretty much what we do too. But I do 1,2,3 in situations where I can intervene at 3 (Time outs in our house are for bigger issues like pushing or hitting etc).

In the above instance I would have either said "OK, well Piper and I are heading this way. Bye" and started to leave or said "Fine, if you can't behave we will have to leave. I will have to do XYZ later without you. Do you want to come with me so we can do XYZ or should we go home?" Then she gets to choose, and if it was still a "No. I'm not moving" I would have picked her up and turned around and gone back to the car.

I have carried two screaming children, one under each arm back home/to the car before. When we get back to car or house I always say something like "We do not behave that way." Then describe exactly what behavior was unacceptable. I usually then try to see the child's point of view, like "I understand that building a bear is very fun and you wanted to do it. But it is a special treat and girls who don't listen to their mommy's do not get special treats. Maybe we will build a bear for your birthday."

Sara loves to repeat what she reads in books, and we made the mistake of checking Pigeon Wants to a Puppy out of the library. That line, "I want one right here! Right Now!" It took me forever to delete that from her repertoire. I just kept repeating very calmly that anyone who spoke that way did not get what they want over and over.  But good lordy, it drove me nuts! I don't do well with attitude. Speaking of library books, we check one out that was called "Sometimes you get what you want, Sometimes you don't" Man, every mother of a preschooler should have that one. Sara really identified with it. I also have been known to sing the rolling stones to my children "You can't always get what you wannant!"