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D.C. Area Babies
The lovey/security blanket battle
Last year around this time, when DS was about 8 months old, he had a 3 day stint in partial day-care. The DCP suggested bringing a "lovey" with him to feel comforted. I looked through baby shower gifts etc and found this: https://www.bearhugsbabyboutique.com/item_658/Blankets-Beyond-Green-Polka-Dots-Frog-Security-Lovey.htm Ever since then, DS sleeps with his lovey (or the 3 others I've since found on eBay that look something like that one). However, since we've had our part-time nanny (about 3 months now) she gives him the lovey whenever he wants it, which is often. It's no longer just for the crib. It's now to the point where if DH and I don't give it to him, it's an all out tantrum fest. I've tried telling our nanny that we feel pretty strongly that he shouldn't just have it all the time, but this is pretty much the one area she and I don't agree on. She says "I have two teenage boys who took theirs to nursery school but don't carry them around any more." She's really a great care provider in every other way, so I almost feel like I can't go to bat on this issue. My 24yo cousin who is in town for a week visiting spotted the lovey in the living room yesterday and said "I didn't see that around last time" and I told her how it's kind of a newer thing that he takes it pretty much everywhere (except out of the house). She said that she STILL has hers (and brought it with her for this trip) and that she said the longer we wait to "wean" the harder it is. Of course I know this is true, and I've actually had 3 patients in their 20's and 30's who still carried around their security blankets. To complicate things even further, DS is starting "camp" next week. He'll go 5 times for 2.5 hrs in the morning at a school that I'd like him to attend this fall or winter. We were told that we can bring security blankets/loveys. DS has never really been apart from us (except when he's with our nanny, and he's totally fine with her). I'm worried he'll pitch a fit when we drop him off and not be able to calm down... do I send the lovey with him, which I know is a total slippery slope? DH does NOT want to do this. He thinks the lovey should stay in the house, or really in the crib (even though instead of listening to him cry/whine, he'll happily give it to him).So, two questions. 1) Do I send one with him to camp? 2) Do I stand firm on the fact that the lovey is for the crib only?
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Re: The lovey/security blanket battle
um, wow, at adults still carrying around security blankets.
personally, I wouldn't send it to camp and I would restrict it to crib only. but this is from the person whose son is still using a paci at age 2 (for sleeping--only in the crib, but still) so take that with a grain of salt ;-)
but regardless of what you do, I do think that your nanny should follow your request to not let him have the lovey all the time.
DD has a favorite blanket and sometimes it goes to daycare and sometimes it stays home. We really don't make a big deal about it but let her choose. When she has gone to back-up daycare, she takes it with her and I think it provides comfort in a strange situation.
I guess I don't see what the big deal is about a small kid having an attachment to a lovey/blanket/stuffed animal....
I'm guessing that any adult that carries around a security blanket 24/7 have some deeper issues than just an attachment to a lovey, so chances are that's not going to be a problem for your DS. I doubt it's something you have to worry about him holding on his wedding day or on his first job interview or anything
And once he becomes more aware of his peers (and inevitable peer pressure), he'll likely decide on his own that a lovey isn't cool or for "big boys." DD was in the three-year-olds preschool class this past year, and a few kids would occasionally bring a favorite beat-up stuffed animal to school, but it really wasn't a big deal. I heard they did it a little more in the two-year-olds. And no one seemed to care, so it's 99% probable your son will just naturally grow out of this stage...if it causes him (and you) trauma to be apart from the lovey, I would give in for now.
1) That said, I'd try not allowing his lovey to go to camp. It seems like a good opportunity for a "clean break" and to set some new ground rules. If it's a disaster, you can send the lovey with him after a few days...at his age, this is not a battle I'd be willing to fight. Can you turn it into a game for him? Play along and tell him that the lovey needs to take a nap while he's gone, so he should hug it and kiss it and put it in its "crib" (aka, a box you stuffed a blanket it), and it'll be waiting in the same spot when he gets back? I don't know if making a production out of leaving it behind would help, or if it'd be better to not even mention it and see how he does upon arrival. If he brings a backpack to school, you could put it in there without him knowing and tell the teacher that if he throws a fit, she can get it out for him.
You know his personality when faced with new situations and people...maybe he'd be excited and distracted and not even think about it. Even if he does initially need it at camp or school, my guess is that he'll make some little buddies and have plenty of new toys to play with, and the lovey won't be necessary for long.
2) Ideally, you would...but if you don't have the nanny's support even after voicing your wishes, you're probably out of luck. We put a few things in DD's crib - and now DS's - that only stay there, and luckily they were fine with it. They have other toys they carry around for comfort or playtime. Maybe you could introduce something new (that you feel is more appropriate for him to carry around), and he'll go along with it? Maybe he won't form the close attachment to the new item like he has with the loveys (like it'll just be a favorite toy, not a must-have-or-I'll-lose-my-mind thing), and problem solved. It's always that easy, right?
This used to work REALLY well. Now when I tell him that his lovey needs to take a nap in the crib, he just screams No at me.
Thanks for your suggestions. It's difficult because this is pretty much the ONE area DS won't back down on. He's a really easy-going kid in general, but all bets are off when it comes to his lovey.
I don't think it's a big deal that he has a lovey, why take away a comfort that's not really hurting him? Especially when he's in a new situation, it will remind him of home and you and make him more comfortable. I've never heard of an adult needing a lovey and do think that's strange, but I agree that just as no one will graduate HS in diapers/pull-ups or with a pacifier in the mouth, so will no one graduate HS with a lovey in his hands (except for your patients, but maybe they have underlying issues and that's why they need care to begin with)
I know this battle well. DD uses a very similar thing as hers (we have 8, and used to have 9 but we lost one). We give her the lovey before nap time and bed time, but getting them away from her after she wakes up is a struggle! She's actually getting better about giving them up. We just try to emphasize that they are only for sleeping. I'll let her hold onto it for a litte while after she wakes up, but she generally will give it up herself after about 20 minutes. To be honest, I don't fight it too hard if she's not ready to give it up, because I know she will eventually.
We are starting a new preschool in the fall, and I'm debating if we'll send them with her. We sent them with her when she started her current daycare, but they stopped using them, so I stopped sending them. I haven't heard that there are any problems.
Lastly, I totally agree with the PPs about your nanny. It's not her place to decide what is best for your child. Whatever you decide to, she should respect your decision.