am I overreacting?

MrsRyan61804

My dh has a friend I have never met, they met in graduate school he sees this friend maybe 2-3 times a year. they ususally do dinner, no big deal. They havent met the baby yet so dh want to bring him to dinner tonight. Jack is really good out and I trust dh so I'm not worried about that. What I am uncomfortable about is that this friend is a girl. I have been sick thinking about him taking jack to meet this women I dont know. I can't figure out what the exact issue I have with it is, but mama bear just doesnt feel right about it. Am I overreacting here?

NiniJ55

The only thing I find odd is that you are not invited to this dinner.  I would think since you and LO has never met her he would bring you both to dinner not just LO.

ETA: I just want to put out there that my DH also has friends that I have never meet.  One of which is a female from his old place of work and they chat on the phone every once in a while (she just had a baby yesterday as a matter of fact).  Anyway - if he were to go out to dinner with her and taking Tristan to meet her then I would expect an invitation as well. 

 

CBL

It seems off that he wants her to meet his child, but not his wife.  I'm not saying that there's anything up, but if he wants her to meet his family, that includes you.

It seems like a natural progression of a friendship to introduce your spouse, no?

Would you be comfortable telling him that you'd like to meet her?

choco_lab

CBL:

It seems off that he wants her to meet his child, but not his wife.  I'm not saying that there's anything up, but if he wants her to meet his family, that includes you.

It seems like a natural progression of a friendship to introduce your spouse, no?

Would you be comfortable telling him that you'd like to meet her?

this exactly!  why does she want to meet the baby and not you?  tell DH you want to go, too...

pinkcallalily

NiniJ55:

The only thing I find odd is that you are not invited to this dinner.  I would think since you and LO has never met her he would bring you both to dinner not just LO.

This!

duke'sgirl

choco_lab:

CBL:

It seems off that he wants her to meet his child, but not his wife.  I'm not saying that there's anything up, but if he wants her to meet his family, that includes you.

It seems like a natural progression of a friendship to introduce your spouse, no?

Would you be comfortable telling him that you'd like to meet her?

this exactly!  why does she want to meet the baby and not you?  tell DH you want to go, too...

Agreed!!

dundasgirl

duke'sgirl:

choco_lab:

CBL:

It seems off that he wants her to meet his child, but not his wife.  I'm not saying that there's anything up, but if he wants her to meet his family, that includes you.

It seems like a natural progression of a friendship to introduce your spouse, no?

Would you be comfortable telling him that you'd like to meet her?

this exactly!  why does she want to meet the baby and not you?  tell DH you want to go, too...

Agreed!!

I didn't realize at first that you weren't going tonight...that is odd to me.  Why aren't you going? 

sliz

Ditto on the others - if they are friends, why doesnt she want to meet you too?

desabean

Why aren't you going to dinner?

 

Mouseygail

i'd want to go as well....

MrsRyan61804

I just sent him a text expressing that I am uncomfortable with this. I asked him to put himelf in my positon. He responded that he thinks I'm being silly but if it makes me uncomfortable he won't take him. It has never been a problem for me that he has a friend I have never met, like I said I trust him, but when you involve my child it becomes a different story. My dh thought he was giving me a break and some time alone which i appreciate. He said he will not take him and next time we can all go. Now I just feel silly and look unsecure. 

Mouseygail

MrsRyan61804:

I just sent him a text expressing that I am uncomfortable with this. I asked him to put himelf in my positon. He responded that he thinks I'm being silly but if it makes me uncomfortable he won't take him. It has never been a problem for me that he has a friend I have never met, like I said I trust him, but when you involve my child it becomes a different story. My dh thought he was giving me a break and some time alone which i appreciate. He said he will not take him and next time we can all go. Now I just feel silly and look unsecure. 

  i don't think this is silly at all....  I think its good that he is willing to change his plans to accommodate your thoughts

RoxBride

We have a rule in our marriage.  We don't socialize alone with members of the opposite sex.

I'm very good friends with my ex-boss who is male, but that includes HIS family and MY family.

We just don't do it, because it can lead to hurt feelings, and we just don't want go there.

MonkeysGirl05

I still don't get why you weren't invited. I'd want to meet a female friend of my husband.

MrsRyan61804

This is going sound bad and make my dh look like a creep, but I wans't invited. I guess becuase I never go when they go out and he thought he was doing ame a favor by getting Jack out of my hair for a few hrs. This all got sprung on me last night and I have felt sick since. 

ESTH2000

MrsRyan61804:

I just sent him a text expressing that I am uncomfortable with this. I asked him to put himelf in my positon. He responded that he thinks I'm being silly but if it makes me uncomfortable he won't take him. It has never been a problem for me that he has a friend I have never met, like I said I trust him, but when you involve my child it becomes a different story. My dh thought he was giving me a break and some time alone which i appreciate. He said he will not take him and next time we can all go. Now I just feel silly and look unsecure. 

If I read correctly above, you said "they have never met your child"? who is they? Is she coming with someone else?

I also agree with above posts about it being a natural progression for you to be introduces at this point, especially if your child is involved.

You should not feel silly at all. IF anything, I still find it strange that after you expressed your feeling DH didn't just say"well, come along and joining us for dinner,t this way she meets everyone" instead of leaving if for next time??? I may be totally off, but it is just how I feel about the situation...

sliz

Yeah - i dont think you are insecure.... It would have been more natural for your DH to just invite you along as well.

Mrs.HisOnly

I don't think you're being silly at all. DH would not be going to dinner alone with a female friend without me, just like I would never put him in the position of telling him I'm going out with a male friend alone. Not to mention he owuld most definitely not be taking J on a dinner date with another woman. That just wouldn't fly in this hosue.

dundasgirl

I don't think that it is the end of the world to have friends of the opposite sex.  I don't think you always have to go everywhere your spouse goes...but I do think that you should at least be introduced to this woman.

Don't feel silly and insecure. 

BRSaugust20

Wow, I guess I am in the minority here.  

Both DH and I have friends through work (same industry different companies) that are of the opposite sex and we have both gone out to dinner with them without our spouse.  It is easier because we can talk about work related things/people without having the other person sit there not knowing what is going on.

 We have wound up meeting some of them at our wedding but don't have hurt feelings when one makes plans without inviting the others. If the other wanted to go, they would be welcome but usually we are both happy letting the other go alone.

cjsbdl

I don't think you're at all silly for feeling that way, although I would feel that way whether the baby was involved or not. I wouldn't be comfy with my husband socializing on a regular basis with a woman I don't know. If it was an old college friend he'd likely invite me along...if I couldn't come I might be ok with him meeting her alone, but not on a regular basis, especially if I've never met her. I trust my husband, but I just don't like it.

And I agree with pp that it's odd he's never introduced you to this woman. Not saying there is something untoward going on, but it's just odd.

LisaMarisa

Just a point of view from the other side.  I am good friends with someone that I used to work with and we go to lunch every once in a while.  He works close to where I used to live so we would meet up when he was in the office (he is usually traveling) and I would take DS with me because there was no one to leave him with. 

I never thought of it as odd but I used to go out to lunch with men at work all the time.  In our industry we would go to client sites and there were usually just 2 of us so we always ate with the person that we were there with - it was an unspoken rule that you lunched however your superior did, if they brought lunch then you did too and if they went out then you had to as well.  Stupid rule but it was always that way. 

Anyway, since I would go to lunch with this friend often when I was working, it didnt feel weird when I would do it when I wasnt working anymore.

That said, DH has met this friend.  He was invited to DS's baptism and first birthday party.  He's also seen him at happy hours back in the day.

So I can see where your DH is coming from and if he isnt hiding anything (which I'm sure he's not) then I can see why he wouldnt think it was odd.  If you were going to dinner with one of your friends (female or otherwise) wouldnt it be a different experience if your DH was there?  Not that it wouldnt be as fun but you'd have to make sure that he was included in conversations and he wouldnt get some of your jokes or references about the past. 

I think it was nice that your DH offered to take your LO on his night out.

ESTH2000

BRSaugust20:

Wow, I guess I am in the minority here.  

Both DH and I have friends through work (same industry different companies) that are of the opposite sex and we have both gone out to dinner with them without our spouse.  It is easier because we can talk about work related things/people without having the other person sit there not knowing what is going on.

 We have wound up meeting some of them at our wedding but don't have hurt feelings when one makes plans without inviting the others. If the other wanted to go, they would be welcome but usually we are both happy letting the other go alone.

DH and I are in some ways the same as you and your DH, but if it ever came to a point where either one of us was uncomfortable, an invitation would be the first thing to come up.

In this situation, DH was informed she wasn't comfortable. IMO, he should have invited her to come along this time and not the next time. Now, there may be some details I don't know..like limited seating at said dinner ....

That said, I don't want anyone to think I am implying something funny is going on..I don't think that at all. I just think he could've handled  it a bit better.

mmttc

If he had given you the option of joining them tonight or leaving LO home with you I'd feel better about the whole situation. Since he didn't do that and put it off unil "next time" that raises red flags for me. My guess is there won't be a next time, at least not one you are told about. I have male friends and I do get together with them socially, but DH knows them. They've been to our house, hung out, etc... And DH always has the option of coming along although he never has.

brideinOC

So...he's still meeting her for dinner? Just not taking the baby?  I think you should have made the point that it wasn't about the baby, it was not including you and the baby. 

Sorry, I'm the skeptical one here since DH and I have had problems in our marriage involving another woman. 

lrrb

I have not read all the responses but honestly I think you should go too.....thats just weird that they are such good friends but you have never met her?  Strange?

Kahana

mmttc1:

If he had given you the option of joining them tonight or leaving LO home with you I'd feel better about the whole situation. Since he didn't do that and put it off unil "next time" that raises red flags for me. My guess is there won't be a next time, at least not one you are told about. I have male friends and I do get together with them socially, but DH knows them. They've been to our house, hung out, etc... And DH always has the option of coming along although he never has.

This. I don't understand why you and your LO can't both go tonight.

NiniJ55

MrsRyan61804:

This is going sound bad and make my dh look like a creep, but I wans't invited. I guess becuase I never go when they go out and he thought he was doing ame a favor by getting Jack out of my hair for a few hrs. This all got sprung on me last night and I have felt sick since. 

I don't think it neccesarily makes him out to be a creep.  It really could be innocent in the end.  I'm glad he considered your feeling and everyone will go next time.

LucyPevensie

MrsRyan61804:

I just sent him a text expressing that I am uncomfortable with this. I asked him to put himelf in my positon. He responded that he thinks I'm being silly but if it makes me uncomfortable he won't take him. It has never been a problem for me that he has a friend I have never met, like I said I trust him, but when you involve my child it becomes a different story. My dh thought he was giving me a break and some time alone which i appreciate. He said he will not take him and next time we can all go. Now I just feel silly and look unsecure. 

I haven't finished all of the responses yet so this may have already been said but when I saw this post I had to respond immediately.

No you DON'T look silly and insecure.  Everyone here has asked the same thing (and I was about to as well) - why aren't you going?  I would find this all very strange in your shoes - and rude.  Why wouldn't you ALL go to dinner?  And in all honesty - I'd have a problem with DH meeting a woman for dinner 2 - 3 times a year.  And he'd have a problem with me meeting a male friend for dinner a few times a year. 

ela81

I don't think you are being silly in the least. I have a strong opinion that you don't hang out, go to dinner, whatever alone with the opposite sex. I think in bad times you are putting yourself in the position of one thing leading to another. I trust my dh and he trusts me. My dh is the least jealous person I know but, I don't think he would be cool with that. I never have put him in that position though. That said I worked with only males, that's how we met. I had lunch/dinner with co-workers. Sometimes it was just me and one other co-worker other times there was a group of us. The big difference to me is, we were all in uniform and one that people tend to stare at so it was not only clear that we were co-workers there was certainly nothing "flirty" going on. 

I'm surprised nobody else has said this but, I think the problem with your dh taking taking your ds to dinner is that they will look like a family, she is not the mother and you are but, she will likely come off looking like the mom, that would be a big deal to me. 

I would also have a huge problem with the fact that you have never met this woman! That seems very strange to me. I would also be bothered by the fact that you were not invited tonight and that he said next time,WTH?!?

I'm really not trying to be the debbie downer here but, I just see a problem with several things here. I'm not implying you not trust your dh, I'm just saying I personally would have a problem with it.

Also just want to add dh and I do our own thing often, just not with the opposite sex (unless it's a group thing).

  ETA: I don't think there is anything wrong with business lunches, they are a part of business and I get that. I did not want to imply that if it was not clear (by appearance) you are co-workers then you should not go out.

LoveMyGirlz

I'm sure it's innocent, but I have thought of this scenario before. If I were to ever meet an old friend for dinner, my husband would be invited as well. Just out of respect for our relationship.

sommerrayne

Wait now.....Going to lunch with someone you went to college with or used to work with is one thing but dinner? On a Friday night? Ummmmmm, do you work tonight or something? Do you have some 'I just can't break these previous comittments' obligation tonight?

Do I think it makes him look like a "creep"? No but I think it sounds monumentally inappropriate. You're married to this guy - what's he hiding? My caveat: I'm divorced over "She's just a friend"....do I think all guys are scumbags about these situations? No. But do I think that there's something to be said about creating, maintaining, and standing firmly with boundries? YES!

I'm assuming he knew this gal before you met, before he had a kid, etc. But now his priority list has (or should) shift. Purposely NOT inviting your wife to a Friday night dinner with some other chick? PUH-LEEZE! NOT GONNA FLY WITH THIS LADY!

And there's no way in h3ll I'd allow my kid to go out to dinner on a Fri night with my husband and some chick he WON'T invite me along to meet.

Anyway you slice this pie, there's secrets going on. I dont' know what they are but its NOT on the up and up or he'd immediately offer to have you along to "see that its no big deal, she's a super nice, upstanding person with no alterior motives! I _WANT_ you to meet her. I'm proud to have you as my wife and I want to show you and our son and our awesome family we've created off to said friend!"

JGirl2005

LisaMarisa:

Just a point of view from the other side.  I am good friends with someone that I used to work with and we go to lunch every once in a while.  He works close to where I used to live so we would meet up when he was in the office (he is usually traveling) and I would take DS with me because there was no one to leave him with. 

I never thought of it as odd but I used to go out to lunch with men at work all the time.  In our industry we would go to client sites and there were usually just 2 of us so we always ate with the person that we were there with - it was an unspoken rule that you lunched however your superior did, if they brought lunch then you did too and if they went out then you had to as well.  Stupid rule but it was always that way. 

Anyway, since I would go to lunch with this friend often when I was working, it didnt feel weird when I would do it when I wasnt working anymore.

That said, DH has met this friend.  He was invited to DS's baptism and first birthday party.  He's also seen him at happy hours back in the day.

So I can see where your DH is coming from and if he isnt hiding anything (which I'm sure he's not) then I can see why he wouldnt think it was odd.  If you were going to dinner with one of your friends (female or otherwise) wouldnt it be a different experience if your DH was there?  Not that it wouldnt be as fun but you'd have to make sure that he was included in conversations and he wouldnt get some of your jokes or references about the past. 

I think it was nice that your DH offered to take your LO on his night out.

  I kinda am in LisaMarisa's boat, kinda.  I regularly go to lunch with male coworkers.  They have also met DS before DH - just happened to meet him at lunch one day.  I try to go with more than 1 guy at a time though.  I also agree with roxbride that I would feel weird going to dinner with 1 guy by myself all the t ime, but I do go out to happy hour with guy friends, but it is a group of ppl.  I wouldn't get in the habit of having lunch all the time with members of the opposite sex because I do feel like you do build kind of a personal relationship.  Sometimes at lunch, my guy friends complain about their wives etc.  I just don't want to go there ya know.  It can get too personal.