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Having a really rough time (long)
So today is DS1's 3rd birthday. It was a school day for him, so we went to pick him up early en route to a special birthday dinner. When I walked into the classroom, they were having their afternoon snack and had apparently just sung happy birthday. Since they were just passing out the birthday cookies we brought, I decided to linger a bit to let DS1 finish up before going.
His teacher (the one that I have really liked) basically launched into a laundry list of stuff that left me feeling really disheartened and questioning a lot of things...including my parenting and our choice of school. First she said he was really rough today, not himself. He was pushing all day. They've recently instituted a new policy requiring us to get him to class much earlier than we were previously, so he basically didn't have breakfast today...(He's often a bit of a mess if he doesn't eat when he should, but he had been in a good mood this morning.) That's the only thing I can attribute this to.
After that she asked if he is feeling jealousy over the baby because he says he wants to be a baby. I said that I think he has some mixed emotions over turning 3 and being a "big boy" related to potty-training. She asked if we were pushing that, and I said we were trying not to. She then told me how he's going to be moving up to the preschool very soon, and he has to be potty trained. It will hurt him to stay in a toddler class when he's developmentally ready to move on, but he can't until he's trained. So we should just pick a day, take away the diapers, and commit to it. (He will FLIP OUT. He is extremely resistant to any suggestion about the potty. All I have to do is say that I'm going to use the potty, and he exclaims that he doesn't want to sit on the potty.) So her point of view seems to go against everything that everyone else has ever told me about potty training. I would easily just disregard it except that he does HAVE to be trained to move into the next class, and he is scheduled to make that move at the end of THIS MONTH when the school year ends and the summer session begins. (They are "a school, not a daycare" as they have told us repeatedly.) I don't even know what will happen if he isn't trained by then -- we're registered for the next class, which operates on a totally different pay scale and weekly schedule.
Then, as if that's not enough, I was talking to him when he said something using 3rd person instead of 1st person. So she jumps in and says that I need to always correct him and tell him to say "I" when he refers to himself by name. Tell him you don't understand and you can't help him until he uses "I." This is what they do all day long. While I realize this is a big issue for him (because he's been using full, elaborate sentences for over a year, and the use of 3rd person is very deeply ingrained in his speech), his speech therapist (who he no longer sees but was seeing for stuttering) told us to simply model back to him the speech we want him to use. And FWIW, he is improving on this a bit, though it is DEEPLY ingrained.
Then, as we're going out the door, I realized he didn't have his jacket, so I went back to find it on the coat hooks. It wasn't there, so the teachers and I were looking around the room. I found it on the floor by one of the tables. They said, oh he just drops it anywhere and we have to chase it down...He won't do anything for himself. He just cries and tells us to help him. (At home he does this somewhat, but he also wants to do a lot of things by himself.)
So, I left, heading out for his birthday dinner, now feeling like complete crap. I never do the pick ups, so it felt like here's an opportunity, let me tell you everything that's wrong with your child (in front of him -- and yes, he listens).
I don't even know what to think. Maybe I royally fouled up somewhere along the way. Maybe this school isn't right for him. Maybe my kid is just not going to make things easy...haha.
I feel depressed and confused about what to do and kind of like I suck at this whole thing. I knew parenting was difficult, but it's difficult in ways I never realized. What in the world should I even be doing right now??? Beyond loving my kid, I feel lost...
Thanks for listening.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Having a really rough time (long)
You didn't royally foul up anything. I would be very offended by pretty much everything that was said to you. Especially in FRONT of him?? WTH??
The pushing potty training would have me seeing red. It is very normal for little boys not to be trained until well into their 3's. The questioning if he's jealous of the newborn like it's some weird thing would have me seeing purple (of course he's jealous and wants to pretend to be a baby sometimes. Um.. NORMAL.) The telling you to correct him when he uses his own name instead of "I?" Holy crap - I think I'd be seeing black by then. THAT IS HOW LITTLE TINY KIDS TALK! They stop on their own, you don't have to correct it out of them.
Ugh. I hate to say this (because it's easy for me to say but not necessarily for you to DO) but I would be asking myself - is this the right place for him? And I'd probably be answering myself "no." This all just seems very nutty to me.
Jack is starting an older 2's/young 3's preschool program in the fall and there is no expectation that he be potty trained. If he poops - they'll change his diaper.
You know your child better than this jerk. "Just take away the diapers," oh - OK lady. Thanks for the BRILLIANT tip. Wow, what an expert.
Ugh again. Just - offensive. All of it. IMO.
"When it comes to sleeping, whatever your baby does is normal. If one thing has damaged parents enjoyment of their babies, it's rigid expectations about how and when the baby should sleep." ~ James McKenna, Ph.D., Mother Baby Behavioral Sleep Center, University of Notre Dame
I'm so sorry that you're feeling down. Honestly I can't say whether the things the teacher was saying were "correct" or not, but it sounds like she picked the wrong time and was extremely tactless. To say "he won't do anything for himself" seems like a huge generalization, and it can't be accurate. Maybe she had a bad day or something? Geesh! And the potty training thing must be so stressful. That's crazy that he has to be potty trained to move up. I understand that's their policy but from what I've heard a lot of kids, especially boys, arent' trained by 3. And forcing him in one day when he's scared and not ready doesn't seem like an effective method to me. I hope for your sake that it works, but I don't know. Please don't let this woman make you question your skills. It's obvious you love your son more than anything and you are a great mom! Your child will be perfectly fine. I could kick that teacher for making you think otherwise, especially on his birthday!
Happy 3rd birthday to your little man! I hope you were able to enjoy his special day despite your crappy discussion. (((BIG HUGS)))
That's actually what I was thinking. I knew they had this rule about being potty trained, but since I hadn't heard any major concern about it even though the move is scheduled to happen soon, I kind of thought maybe that was how things would play out... He'd transfer and then quickly train once he was one of the youngest in the class instead of one of the oldest.
I really want this to be the right school... It's by far the best location for us, by far the best price (of the schools we're willing to consider), and he feels it's "his" school. I'm also a very loyal person...I don't like to throw in the towel on something/someone unless I absolutely have to. So I'm hesistant to change schools........but...?
DH is crafting an email to the principal. I guess I'll just reflect on this a bit, and we'll see what kind of response we get.
This teacher has previously been just completely awesome. We both really like(d) her. Actually, she was our favorite thing about the school! And she was trying to be nice and friendly...She has said plenty of sweet things about him, too. It was all said with a smile! Just didn't make me feel like smiling...
I'm so sorry. I don't have a 3 year old and G doesn't go to school/daycare so I can't really speak to the specifics but it definitely seemed like they let you have it.
I will say, that all of my friends who had their kids in daycare/preschool say they (the parents) never did a thing for potty training and they (the child) learned it at school. And the montessori we visited two weeks ago told us if G wasn't trained by fall when she started that they would teach her (not sure that is what you want), but it seems like they are putting a lot of this on you, when let's be honest, they have him more waking hours and are the educational professionals-- not saying we as parents don't have a responsibility, but they can do something to help other than just point fingers.
First, happy birthday to your son! I'm so sorry that you night was ruined by thoughtless remarks by his teacher.
My first thought before you walk away from a school that you're happy about is to sit down and talk to the principal or director about your concerns. I think a face-to-face would be much more effective than a letter.
I think you just need to ask about the potty training, and what their policy is if he isn't trained by the time the next session starts. Hopefully they will be able to accomodate him and this will become a non-issue. But, if not, better to find out now so you can make alternate arrangements. It sounds like he is really not ready, and like you and others have said, really still adjusting to being a big brother.
As for the teacher, I'm sorry that she upset you. If she really did have these concerns, I would have like to have been told in a more formal setting, rather than throwing all that at you during a pick-up. This could be something that you bring up with her or the principal. However, she won't be his teacher in the new class, so I don't think you should doubt everything about the school because of her remarks.
((HUGE HUGS)). This stuff is hard. And my son's only 11 months! Hang in there!
You are not doing anything wrong. These are all normal things that toddlers/preschoolers go through.
He seems like a kid who thrives on routines and when his is messed up, it throws him off - totally normal. His routine has been thrown off by the new arrival time at school, it will just take a little while for everyone to adjust. That one isnt a big deal.
As for potty training, you should handle it how you want to. They've told you that he'll have to stay back if he's not potty trained but it's not like it is going to ruin him and he'll never move on. Do they work with him at all? Maybe seeing the other kids would make him want to do it? DS loved to sit on the potty but never went. One day he accidentally pooped on the potty and it scared him. He never wanted to sit on the potty again. We continued to ask and it took a while before he finally said yes. My sister just came home from school and has decided to potty train him this summer (she just took a childhood development class and was very interested in all of this stuff). She made him a potty chart and wouldnt you know that he will now sit on the potty and go, even if he doesnt have to he will push some pee out. It just took one time with much celebration and he had a totally different attitude towards it. He isnt close to being potty trained yet, we're still just getting used to him sitting on the potty since it's only been a week, but it is a start. Hang in there.
My best friend is a speech pathologist and she has told me not to correct DS but to model what he should be saying. You are totally right there. I would say to share that with his teachers but I think the opportunity has passed, now it might not be taken well. If the opportunity presents itself again, just mention that his speech pathologist said to do it this way.
Hang in there. He is being a 3 year old and they are all different. They just threw everything on you at once but he isnt broken, this is all stuff that you can fix or will fix itself eventually.
-----Lisa-----
Happy happy 3rd birthday, sweet boy! Rawrrrr!
I haven't read pps, FWIW.
That is not fair to corner you like that, not fair at all. I would be tempted to sit down with her to go over things if you can do so without N being right there, at least to talk about the potty training side of things. I bet you could figure that out on your own, and you can stir about the other issues, but the fact is you need to be able to have better communication with them in general. My instinct is to leave, but you said you've liked her previously, so I wouldn't want to jump too far either. I think she acted very unprofessionally, and I'm sorry.
I had a brief but very awkward conversation at Kira's preschool two weeks ago, almost left crying, and I still feel uncomfortable about it -- these things indeed are HARD.
I hope you were able to have some fun on his big day too, despite this nastiness!
And I hope to see you guys between July 8th and 16th?!? I'll post for all when I can!
Our Thanksgiving Day baby 11/22/07
Pregnant with #2 with LPD, uterine polyp/hysteroscopy, DOR (AMH = 0.17), 2 c/ps
Our early Christmas present 12/9/10
I can't really help with the isues she brought up as we're not there yet, but I will say that I think the fact that she discussed all this in front of your son is outrageous. I'm willing to bet that your school has a policy against this...even our MDO program does.
I think your first step should be setting up a meeting with the teacher and the school's director to discuss the issues and figure out a plan for moving forward,especially with the potty training issue.
Good luck!
Happy Birthday to your big guy!
I agree with all the pp that the teacher was totally inappropriate to discuss all of those things with you in front of DS. Do you have regular parent-teacher conferences? If not, those "concerns" are something that should be brought up either with a phone call or with a, "Can we schedule a time to talk about how things are going for DS?" at pick-up time.
Not to mention that it's not okay to go on and on about "concerns" and not mention anything positive. All children have strengths - lots of them! - and families need and want to hear about them!
I have not yet potty trained a toddler, but I do work with child care programs for a living. There should be no reason why your DS can't move up to the next room before he's 100% potty trained. At three years old, children can easily be changed on a mat on the floor so there's no need for a full diaper changing area. And you can bet that after a few weeks of having to do that while all his friends are going on the potty, he'll be wanting to do it too!
To be honest, this I would be looking for a new program, one where your DS will be treated like an individual child and where you will be recognized as his most important teacher. (Plus, the fact that they won't be called a "child care" really irritates me...I can name 100 "child care" programs that I work with that would have responded more appropriately than that teacher.)
Hang in there, mama. You are doing a great job with your two little boys and you shouldn't let one inconsiderate twit get you down!
TTC since 11/05...ectopic pg 4/08...early m/c 6/09...BFP 10/5/09!
Nora B...June 15, 2010...8lbs, 8oz...Med-free birth!
TTC #2 since 7/11...cycle #3 of Clomid + IUI = BFP
Malcolm...September 21, 2012...8lbs, 6oz...Another med-free birth!
Happy Birthday to your little guy!
I think others have great suggestions, my only addition would be to sit down and make a completely OBJECTIVE list of "concerns", one without emotion and "feelings." Not to say your feeling are not valid or real or a part of the equation, but sometimes taking things on a purely straight "no emotion" way will shed new light on what's your focus, and what is not.
GL! not an easy situation. But you're doing a GREAT job, I say!
This really bothered me too. They are caring for your child, and for full-time care for infants/toddlers, it's a daycare/childcare center. They can call it a school all they want, but it's still childcare. I can understand if the three-year-old preschool has a PT policy (the standalone preschools here sometimes do, but they are not full-time care), but what is their solution for kids that just aren't PT on their schedule? If it is for you to find other care, then maybe it's time to move on.
I'm so sorry.
Thanks, ladies.
As for the potty training, in the class that he's in, they do help you with that, but the way they do it is to have you stop diapers entirely and send them to school in underwear (with 6 changes of pants). Also, all diaper changes are done standing up (don't ask me how they get them clean this way!) in the large bathroom area beside the classroom. They also ask at every change if they want to sit on the potty. DS has sat on the potty a handful of times since he started in March.
We really spent a lot of time making the decision of where to send DS in the first place and finally decided to go this route. He was LOVING going to school but now isn't so much... I'm not sure whether it's that he's bored and ready to move up to the next class (a lot of what they work on is stuff he's known for ages -- colors and shapes, he learned more than a year ago; dinosaurs, he was correcting the teachers' mispronunciations, lol; etc., etc.), or if it's a dynamic with the teachers that isn't going well, or something else. He is one of the very oldest in a class with a large age range (it's Montessori, so they structure it this way on purpose) and is very smart (the teachers remark on this all the time), so it's clear he needs to move out of this class... I just don't know if he should move up to the next level at this school or elsewhere (with a more flexible potty policy).
We're definitely considering all of our options right now. DH also apparently had a LONG discussion with the teacher this morning at drop off. (He got into work almost an hour later than usual today.) I don't know what happened with that yet, but I'm anxious to find out!